life

Man's Social Anxieties Prolong His Loneliness

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When I was a teenager, there were many times when I made things awkward. It continues today. I try to have normal conversations with people, but when I do, I have nothing to say. My mind goes blank, so I keep quiet and walk away. I feel like the odd person out each time and like I'm not good enough, and it really sucks.

The only time I'm successful socially with people is at work because I'm kind of forced to be. I really want to make friends and possibly get a girl in my life, but it's almost impossible to do with my social skills. This is so depressing and disappointing that I'm almost ready to quit trying. I need some tips and guidance. Do you have any? -- FRUSTRATED GUY IN FAIRBANKS

DEAR FRUSTRATED GUY: I think so. If you think you are alone in having this problem, you are mistaken. The majority of people have the same insecurities you do. No one is born knowing how to be social. Social adeptness is a skill like any other. It can be learned and, with some practice and effort, polished until it becomes second nature.

You don't have to be handsome to be well-groomed. You don't have to be brilliant or witty, either. Part of being social is showing an interest in other people. Ask them about what they think and encourage them to share their interests and opinions. And when they tell you, be a good listener. Cultivate your own interests and you will have something to talk about with others.

My booklet "How to Be Popular" contains tips on how to approach others, and what to say and what not to say when trying to make conversation. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mt. Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. When you receive it, don't read it just once. Keep it on hand for reference because it contains many helpful suggestions about how to be the kind of individual others find interesting and attractive. Be courteous and show kindness to others. If you do these things, you will find the results you're looking for.

Love & DatingWork & SchoolFriends & Neighbors
life

Adult Children Try to Dictate Who Dad Dates

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was divorced three years ago after being married for 28 years. My ex-wife and I had spent the previous 10 years in counseling. I currently go to post-divorce counseling, and my counselor agrees that I was mistreated by my ex and our adult children, who treated me more like an employee.

I have begun seeing a much younger woman, and two of my kids say any relationship with them is predicated on my dating someone "my own age." I feel this is wrong, and that it's a continuation of them treating me as a servant/dad, versus as a person. My counselor suggests walking away for a bit, to establish new boundaries. Your thoughts? -- BUTLER DAD IN TEXAS

DEAR DAD: I think you should listen to your therapist.

Marriage & DivorceLove & DatingFamily & Parenting
life

Jealousy, Misunderstanding Chip Away at Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I love each other very much. But we are both so jealous we fight every day. The only time we get along is during sex and right after.

Recently, he found an email I had written when we first got together in reply to a message I had received about becoming an escort. I didn't follow through with it, and I have never cheated. I was broke at the time, and he had just been sent back to prison. I didn't know what to do.

How can I earn his trust and keep our relationship from becoming toxic? -- TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK

DEAR TRYING: If the only time you and your boyfriend get along is during sex or right after, your relationship is already toxic. Rather than fight and accuse each other of infidelity every day, couples in healthy relationships build each other up and support one another. Total honesty between partners is essential. If he can't believe what you tell him, there can be no love, because there is no trust.

Love & DatingSex & GenderMoney
life

Depression Drives Teen to Thoughts of Suicide

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl and I hate my family. I have had an eating disorder for three years, and my parents haven't noticed. (It doesn't show because I'm regular-sized.) I think my parents hate me. They try to stuff me into a mannequin shell that doesn't fit. It's like I am a doll and not a person. I don't know what to do, and I am suicidal. But when I think about all the ambitions I have, I'm able to withstand another day, even though it is hard. Please help me. -- DEPRESSED TEEN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR TEEN: Because you feel your parents may not take you seriously, be brave and tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school everything you have written to me, including your thoughts of suicide. Eating disorders can be very serious, and they are not always obvious. Because your feelings of depression are so strong that you sometimes feel you can't go on, you need more help than an advice columnist can give you in a letter. Please don't wait, and please let me hear from you again.

TeensMental Health
life

Pet Owners Test the Limits of Bringing Dogs With Them Everywhere

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 11th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When did it become someone's right to walk into a business with a pet? People walk in and never ask. Some of those animals hike their leg, and their owners giggle and never offer an apology or to clean it up. Dogs have jumped up on other customers while their owners stood there and said, "Don't worry. He won't bite." The last customer came in with a full-grown German shepherd!

I've gone through training on service animals, and these are definitely not service animals. What happened to common courtesies? -- TAKEN ABACK IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The demise of common courtesies happened right around the time when people began believing they were the exception to the rules. When ADA legislation was passed, it was so that people with disabilities would have access to things that able-bodied people take for granted. What you are experiencing is an abuse of that law by dishonest, uncaring individuals who have no sense of shame.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Daughter Tired of Indulging Mom's Proselytizing Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: There's this woman I've known since I was a child. She's a Jehovah's Witness I'll call Beatrice. She comes by my house every so often to share pamphlets and talk about her religion. She is a casual friend of my mother's (who I live with), so I feel I have to let her inside when she's at the door. If it were anyone else, I'd say a polite "No, thank you, goodbye," and shut the door. But because it's Beatrice, I'm roped into listening to her spiel.

More often than not, Mom's not even home when Beatrice comes over with her pamphlets because they work similar hours. And each time, I find myself trapped into listening to her jabber away while I politely smile and nod.

Not only am I non-religious, but I am a member of the LGBTQ community, and I know for a fact that Beatrice shunned a family member after he came out as gay.

I don't want to keep pretending I'm interested in listening to her script, or even talking to her in general, but I also don't want to ruin my mother's friendship with her by offending her by being honest.

Is there a polite way to tell Beatrice that, with all due respect, I don't want to hear about her pamphlets, and she should come by to discuss them only when my mom's home? Or must I just continue to smile and nod politely like I always do? -- NOT INTERESTED IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: No rule of etiquette demands that you listen to Beatrice's religious diatribes. All you need to say to her is, "My mother isn't home, and I'm not interested in taking your pamphlets or hearing you preach. Because you're a friend of Mom's, come back when Mom is home, and be sure to call first."

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

'Gift' of a Cruise Puts Friend in Troubled Financial Water

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 10th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am really upset about something my best friend did involving a cruise that's planned for next February. Because of financial setbacks, we can no longer afford the trip. She went ahead and paid for our cruise. I was so upset I called the travel agent and tried to cancel the trip but was informed it was nonrefundable. So now we are locked into a cruise that's still going to cost us $1,500 or more in other expenses while we are on the cruise.

I like to pay my own way and have never asked anyone for help or money. She said it was "a gift, not a loan" and I was being ungrateful, so I finally accepted the "gift." Now I'm going to have this hanging over my head. It's putting us in more financial trouble, so we are trying to get a loan to cover the extra expenses. I don't think I can enjoy the trip now.

Am I ungrateful? She's been my best friend for more than 40 years and I don't want this to affect our friendship. What should I do at this point? -- EXPENSIVE "GIFT" IN THE WEST

DEAR EXPENSIVE "GIFT": Your generous friend acted on impulse, without considering the fact that even with her paying your fare, the cruise would still cost you money. Forgive her for her mistake, take the trip and do your best to enjoy it so you don't ruin the trip for her.

Friends & NeighborsMoney

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