DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Oscar" for more than 30 years. He has been inattentive for more than 25 of those years. Over the last 15 years, I have found erectile dysfunction medications in his vehicles. Oscar claims he knows nothing about them. He lies constantly, even when the evidence is right in front of him. When I ask him if he is seeing other women, he claims to be impotent and tells me I am crazy.

I had an affair at 55 to try to raise my self-esteem. I once was very beautiful and even now, at age 68, I look quite good. I have stayed with my husband out of habit in spite of his hurtful comments and lack of affection.

Oscar has told me that if I need affection, "go get a job in a whorehouse." I have had three back surgeries in less than a year, and when I cry with pain, he gets annoyed and tells me to cut it out.

He's a narcissist and not much to look at. He goes out of his way to please strangers to make himself look good, but when I need a hand, I'm a "b----," and my husband doesn't lift a finger. Advice, please! -- UNHAPPY IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNHAPPY: You have put up with this for how long? Your relationship with this man (I hesitate to call him a "husband") is clearly loveless. Instead of asking me for advice, look within and ask yourself, "Is this really the way I want to spend the rest of my life?" When the chips are down and you need Oscar's help, he not only turns his back but also calls you a b---- for asking.

Because you know he's cheating, hire a private detective for a month and find out who with. Then talk to a lawyer about what your rights are as a wronged wife in New York.

DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old stepson has moved back into my home so many times I have lost count. I ask only that he keep his bedroom clean, himself clean, help around the house and look for work. He got married last January and was recently escorted to my home by the local police. His new wife had taken out a restraining order against him.

I was unemployed for two years, but recently found a new job. It's a start, but things are tight financially, and my wife had to assume the role of provider, which I dislike immensely. That's why I hate talking to her about this issue with her son.

I have asked -- pleaded -- to no avail, and now have run out of polite ways to tell him to get out. I don't want him to feel unwelcome, but I'm feeling very used. -- FEELING USED

DEAR FEELING USED: Your feelings are accurate. And as much as you might hate it, talk to your wife about what her son is doing. At 35, he should have long been able to find lodgings other than under your roof.

By allowing her son to live (rent-free, I assume) under the conditions you have described, she's enabling it to continue for the foreseeable future. Unless changes are made, it could ruin your marriage. A first step should be to set a date by which her adult son should move out and insist he get help for the issue that led to the restraining order.

DEAR ABBY: I am 32 and in a relationship with a 31-year-old single mother. Her son, "Steven," is 7. Her daughter, "Jessica," is 15.

I am a stay-at-home dad. Both kids refer to me as "Dad," as I have been a part of Steven's life more than his (incarcerated) dad has ever been. Because I am a stay-at-home dad, this means I take Steven to various professional appointments, doctors, including a psychiatrist for ADHD, the dentist and various sports activities.

I was informed three weeks ago Jessica is pregnant. When I take our boy for doctor's visits, they always want guarantor information, and I always sign. But after a recent checkup of his, I called for results and was outright lied to -- "We don't have the results back" -- and Jessica's doctor said they can't release any information to me.

Abby, I'm in this for the long haul. If doctors will let me sign to pay their medical expenses but I can't have the results, what can I do? -- STAY-AT-HOME-DAD

DEAR "DAD": A guarantor is different from a legal guardian or parent. Have their mother call the doctors and request the information so she can share it with you. And if you haven't suggested to Jessica's mother that her daughter should be put on long-acting birth control, I think the time has come.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently moved into our dream home and invited my family over to see it. My sister noticed that the house had been designed to be handicapped accessible. We confirmed that it had been built by an elderly couple. The doors and walkways are larger than normal, there are handrails in the bathroom, a seat in the shower, etc. She went on to say that we shouldn't have purchased the house because we were "taking it from someone who may have needed it." Then she compared us to someone who parks in a handicap parking space without a permit.

The thought had never occurred to me. I loved the openness of the floor plan; it was a huge selling point for me. The house is within walking distance of my work and had been on the market for two years. The sellers were thrilled to have someone finally buy it. The community has been nothing but welcoming to us and seems glad to have a nice family move into a home that was built by much-loved neighbors. Should we have passed on it and continued our search? -- DREAM HOME OWNER IN KANSAS

DEAR OWNER: Of course not! The house served the needs of the couple who built it. Now it is yours and doing the same for you and your family. Enjoy it! And the next time your jealous sister brings up the subject -- we both know she will -- hand her an antacid tablet and talk about something else.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who I suspect has a mental problem. I wonder if it may be a disease of some kind. No matter what I talk about -- what I've done, who I know or what I have -- she one-ups me by saying she has done or had the same thing. It really grates on my nerves. Do you think it's a habit or a disease? -- OUTDONE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR OUTDONE: It's not a disease, but an obnoxious habit. The "cure" may be to tell the woman how what she's doing makes you feel. The result will be that she either stops trying to top you or ends the friendship. Either one will be a relief.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 42 years. For the most part, we have had a good marriage. We raised two children, are helping to raise three grandchildren and still enjoy each other's company.

I am retiring shortly and looking forward to enjoying it. For years I have anticipated being free to travel the country and see things I didn't have the time to see when I was employed. The problem is, I like the idea of seeing the country via road trip. My wife says she's a "homebody" and doesn't want to be "stuck in the car" for a week.

Several friends have suggested I should take my road trips without my wife. I don't really want to do that, and she says that if I did, she would feel deserted. How can I be a good husband and spend time with my wife, and not feel cheated out of something I have wanted to do for so long? -- HEADED FOR THE OPEN ROAD

DEAR HEADED: I can't help thinking about how many widows would give anything to share an adventure like that with their husband. I also don't think leaving one's spouse for a week qualifies as desertion. Many husbands and wives do it regularly to conduct their business. Perhaps if you return from one of your excursions with tales of how beautiful and interesting the road trip was, it will pique her interest.

P.S. If the problem is that your vehicle is too small, have you considered renting something larger to give your wife more room to stretch out?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. With every year that passes, I fall more in love with him. He's a wonderful person who treats me very well.

I could go on and on about how caring and considerate he is. However, when it comes to being intimate, I'm just not interested. I have known him for so long and know him so well that, for me, the "spark" is extinguished. In some ways, he almost feels like a brother, which makes it difficult to have sexual feelings.

I tell him many times a day that I love him, because I do. I want him to know he's my best friend and I care deeply about him. We have tried role playing, games, sexy clothing, etc. -- nothing helps me. I go through the motions when I must, because I know it is one of the ways he expresses his love for me.

I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to know how I can feel excited about being intimate again. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. -- EXTINGUISHED SPARKS

DEAR EXTINGUISHED: My suggestion would be to have a frank talk with your OB/GYN about this, and ask for a referral to an endocrinologist -- a doctor who specializes in hormones. If, after a checkup, your hormone balances are what they should be, some sessions with a psychologist for you -- and a sex therapist for both of you -- might relight the spark that has fizzled. It's worth a try.

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