DEAR ABBY: I am a woman, 34, who has finally met the man I want to spend my life with. He's 31, and his family lives about six hours away. He plans to move his mother here to live in the near future. She doesn't work or drive. She's on state assistance, and her Section 8 isn't enough for her to get an apartment on her own here.

My boyfriend plans to buy a duplex in the next year or so and have her live in the other apartment. This would involve me paying for part of the house because we'll likely be married by then. The problem is, the state won't give us any money for her to live in it, so we'll have to cover all her expenses. On top of that, I'm not comfortable with the lack of privacy.

I have tried bringing this up to him, and although he has been receptive, I haven't been as straightforward as I should have been. I know it's a touchy subject, and I'm not sure how to approach this. I don't want to lose him, but I'm afraid this will affect our lives too much. Help! -- THINGS DON'T LOOK BRIGHT

DEAR THINGS: You admit you haven't been as straightforward as you should have been with your boyfriend. In a case like this, honesty is the best policy. I urge you to start telling him exactly how you feel now, because your concerns are valid. His mother will be depending upon her son -- and you -- for everything when she relocates. If you aren't up to sharing the responsibility -- in addition to the loss of "personal space" -- he needs to know now. And if it spells the end of the romance, so be it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor who stops by several times a week unannounced and uninvited. What complicates the matter is that he has some form of mental disability. He's in his 20s and lives with his mother a block away from us. We tolerated his presence when he used to stop by only occasionally, but since meeting my 24-year-old daughter who is staying with us, his visits have increased to about five times a week.

When he comes over, he can be very demanding and rude. For example, if someone is sitting in "his seat," he assertively tells them they must get up. Other times he'll interrupt my daughter to tell her to come watch TV with him or sit next to him. In response, she tells him, "No, thank you."

We don't want to be rude, but his visits are making everyone uncomfortable and have become an issue of boundaries. How do we tell him and his mother we would like him to stop coming over? -- UNWELCOME NEIGHBOR IN FLORIDA

DEAR NEIGHBOR: That young man is lonely, but it should not be your responsibility to entertain him. Tell his mother exactly what you have written to me. It should be up to her to tell her son to stop dropping over. Depending upon how disabled he is, he should be working or in a program where he can do something constructive with his time.

DEAR ABBY: I met the love of my life eight months ago. Everything about our relationship is perfect. We both love our families, fine food, games and, most importantly, each other. We met at an antique store and now have an extensive stamp collection together.

Wanting this joy to last forever, I proposed to her. I couldn't imagine a happier life for both of us, until I discovered that she is already engaged. Her mother informed me that she had accepted a proposal from a close friend of ours months ago.

At first I was devastated, but now I understand the situation. She felt obligated to accept his proposal, yet I know she will only find true happiness by marrying me. How do I go about bringing this up to her? I'm very non-confrontational, and don't want her to feel awkward or uncomfortable. Should I tell her what I know or wait for her to come to me? Please help. -- IN LOVE BUT CONFUSED

DEAR IN LOVE: Something is definitely wrong with this picture. Sometimes confrontation is healthy. Don't waste another moment waiting for the girl to level with you. Tell her what her mother told you and ask if it is true. If it is, she needs to explain. Although you may be ready to settle down and get married, she may not be emotionally mature enough to marry either one of you.

DEAR ABBY: Today, June 21 -- the first day of summer -- is the annual ASK Day (Asking Saves Kids). Children are out of school and visiting other people's homes. This is a moment to remind parents to ask if there are guns in these homes and if they're stored safely -- out of kids' reach.

Will you help us get the word out about our campaign? Prevention saves lives, and we're grateful for your consideration. -- BETTINA LANYI, ASST. DIRECTOR OF PARTNERSHIPS, BRADY CAMPAIGN

DEAR BETTINA: I'm pleased to spread the word. Readers, the ASK Campaign is a collaboration between the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence and the American Academy of Pediatrics. Its goal is to ensure kids' safety by encouraging parents to ASK if there is an unlocked gun in the homes where their children play.

For more information, I encourage you to visit askingsaveskids.org. There you will find various resources, including tips for parents and others on how to bring up the sometimes-awkward topic of safe storage. There are also brochures and flyers in English and Spanish, and suggestions about how to work with groups in your community to bring public awareness to the ASK program.

DEAR ABBY: My investment adviser got married four months ago. He and his wife have invited me to a celebration of their marriage. It is not a formal affair, but an evening BBQ at their condo rooftop. Should I bring a gift? And if so, what would be appropriate for an investment adviser? -- BETTY IN FLORIDA

DEAR BETTY: A token gift would be thoughtful. Something they could use at one time or another might be a nice picture frame for their home. Be sure to include a thoughtful note with it, wishing them a lifetime of happiness together.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 59-year-old brother-in-law who has always been a "proud bachelor." He isn't a rich, handsome, George Clooney-type bachelor, but a hand-to-mouth, burping, uncouth "Shallow Hal" kind of bachelor. He befriended a woman with four daughters, paying most of his attention to one of the daughters. He would take the woman and her girls to dinner, and take the daughters shopping without the mother.

Fast forward eight years. He wants to take the one daughter on a trip to Hawaii. And he has been telling everyone she is now 18 (the girl is still in high school). Should I say something to him, or mind my own business? He will likely hang up on me. I don't know the daughters or their mom well. Am I wrong to hear some alarm bells going off? -- WARY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WARY: No, you are not wrong. The statement that the girl is "now 18" is a red flag for me, too. Rather than talk to your brother-in-law, inform the mother that he may be "grooming" her daughter for something more than an innocent tour of the islands. She should have noticed something was amiss eight years ago, when one daughter was singled out for special treatment, and put a stop to it then.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for five years. Early in our relationship, he became violent. Because of my economic status at the time, leaving was not an option.

I became pregnant with our child during our first year together. He ended up getting arrested for domestic violence against me (nothing toward our child) twice, and moved out for a year while court proceedings were taking place.

At first, he was incredibly cruel to me. I was so devastated by his arrests that I was grieving as if he had died. He then went through a series of interventions, and sought medical care and psychological counseling. He used to drink, but no longer does.

After a year, I let him move back home. But I no longer feel the same toward him. I am terribly unhappy. Even though he hasn't touched me and has toned down his anger, I can't forget the things he said and did to me. I don't want a divorce, though, because I do still love him. I just don't know how to proceed. Please help me. -- VICTIM IN OREGON

DEAR VICTIM: Nowhere in your letter did you mention whether you sought counseling to help you recover from the verbal and physical abuse. If you didn't, do it now.

There is a saying, "You can't unring the bell." You may love your husband, but verbal abuse can leave as many, or more, scars than physical abuse does. Until and unless you can completely forgive him for what he did to you, you won't be able to move on.

And by the way, if it turns out that you cannot, don't blame or punish yourself for it. Sometimes it's better for two people who care about each other to go their separate ways because it is healthier for both of them.

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