DEAR ABBY: I belong to a family that doesn't respond to RSVPs for weddings or wedding showers. They often arrive late, leave weddings early and sometimes don't stay to eat at the reception even when it has been catered at a cost of $100 a person.

My adult children always ask me to call my siblings to check whether they are coming or not so some of their friends can be included if the family isn't coming. I just spoke with my brother about an upcoming wedding, and he informed me that he and his family "may" decide to extend their camping trip and miss it, even though they had RSVP'd with their meal selections.

My wife was raised to observe the rules of etiquette, something she has passed on to our four children, but my family never received that kind of instruction. I love my siblings and their families, and feel privileged whenever we get together to celebrate a wedding or special event. How can I improve the situation without hurting feelings and creating turmoil? -- FAMILY PEACEMAKER

DEAR PEACEMAKER: I'll resist the urge to suggest you buy your relatives a book on etiquette. Start by explaining the rules to your siblings in a non-confrontational way. For instance, after you send an invitation, call and verify that the recipients plan to attend. If the answer is "maybe," tell them the meals cost $100 a plate, which is why it's important to have an accurate head count.

Because they don't know any better, I suppose it's your responsibility to explain the rules of common courtesy to your family each time you invite them to join you for anything. When your brother told you he and his family might extend their camping trip, I hope you responded that you would be taking them off the guest list and hope they'll have a great time.

DEAR ABBY: I'm almost 20, in my second year of college, and I have never been in a relationship. Usually I shrug it off, but lately it has been really bothering me. I know I'm not alone because a lot of my friends are in a similar situation. I'm just afraid that I'll end up alone, or if I do ever find someone, I won't know how to act. Please help. -- FRUSTRATED IN CLOVIS, CALIF.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I'll try, so bear with me. Please quit flogging yourself. You're in college and on a path to success. To obsess about ending up alone is a distraction and a waste of time. Stop being afraid of what "might" happen. Enjoy your college experience. Meet as many people as you can and make friends. The more friends you have, the greater your chances of finding what you're looking for.

As to not knowing how to act when you finally meet someone special, I guarantee that you will know how to act because you won't be acting. You will just be yourself, and that will be all you need.

DEAR ABBY: I can't drive. It's not because I don't want to, but whenever I sit behind the wheel, I have panic attacks. I'm currently attending therapy for it, and progress is being made, albeit slowly.

The problem is, when I try to explain that I suffer from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), which affects my ability to learn to drive and sometimes just function day to day, I get a raised eyebrow and a "Well you look fine to me." I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation when the subject of my disability comes up. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's frustrating to be regarded as either lazy or a liar because I don't "look" disabled and I'm not "disabled enough" to apply for disability. How do I handle this? -- ELAINE IN COLORADO

DEAR ELAINE: You look fine because you have what is called a hidden disability. You do not have to discuss it in casual conversation. If someone asks you to drive, explain that you can't because panic attacks prevent it, but you are "working on getting it resolved." If someone implies that you are lazy or a liar, reveal that you are in therapy to address it if you choose. If that doesn't shut the ignorant person up, keep your distance.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl who has been having a hard time moving on since I was sexually assaulted. Although it was four years ago, it has conflicted with my current and past relationships because I tell guys I'm not ready for anything like that yet. They know what happened and keep trying to push me to move on from my fear. Please tell me what to do. -- NOT READY IN IDAHO

DEAR NOT READY: You are smart not to have allowed yourself to be "persuaded" into doing anything you don't feel ready for. I'm sorry you didn't mention whether you received counseling after the assault. If you didn't, you would benefit from discussing what happened to you with someone trained to help victims of the kind of trauma you have experienced. R.A.I.N.N. (the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) can help you to locate a rape treatment center in your area. Either call (800) 656-4673 or go to rainn.org and they will give you the information you need. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: You often publish letters from women who are upset that their boyfriends haven't proposed, sometimes after years of being together. These letters perplex me. We live in a time when women are told they can do anything, be anything. So why are they waiting for some guy to finally pop the question?

My suggestion to them: Ask him! And if he waffles or says he isn't ready to commit, you'll know there's probably no use waiting. Then find someone who recognizes you for the awesome person you are and can't wait to be with you. -- WISE WESTERNER

DEAR WESTERNER: I suspect that more women don't take the initiative because they are afraid of the response they'll receive. But you have offered wise advice. Time is precious. It shouldn't be wasted waiting for a commitment that may never come.

DEAR ABBY: I have really nice neighbors, and we are always pleasant to each other. We put up a large above-ground pool in our backyard, and they put up a trampoline.

I would like to enjoy our pool (how to put this delicately?) without tan lines. I do not want to offend them or expose myself to their teenage son when he's jumping on their trampoline. Is there a tactful way to ask them to move the trampoline since there is no other way to stay discreet in my own backyard? -- NO TAN LINES

DEAR NO TAN LINES: Have you not heard about "tan through" fabrics? They were invented years ago to help women achieve a "summertime glow" without the risk of being reported for indecent exposure. You can find more information about this type of swimwear online by searching "no tan line swimsuit."

One caveat: Dermatologists recommend avoiding the sun to prevent skin cancers. When using these garments, make sure to use sunscreen underneath the swimsuit so you will achieve an all-over tan instead of a nasty all-over sunburn.

DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered my wife was having an "emotional affair" with an also-married co-worker. She swears it wasn't physical, but their texts contain professions of love for each other and claims of "I can't wait to see you again." As I read them, my heart was pounding out of my chest, and I wasn't sure if I would survive the day.

My wife blames it on my emotional shortcomings. I agree that we have had issues. But I love her very much, and I don't want to see our marriage fail. No one forced her to have an affair. But she refuses to accept that. How can I get her to acknowledge that what she did has threatened our marriage and gutted me? -- HURTING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR HURTING: Unless you and your wife are willing to deal with the issues that led to her having the emotional affair, she may continue to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Stop arguing and agree to go as a couple to a licensed marriage and family therapist. You both have work to do repairing your relationship, and doing so may take time and mediation.

DEAR ABBY: Our boy-and-girl twins are celebrating another birthday soon. They will be 5 and want a joint party. They have mutual friends, as well as other, individual friends.

What's the best way to word an invitation suggesting that the boy guests bring only a gift for him, and the girl guests bring only a gift for her without sounding tacky? We don't want to overburden people who may feel obligated to bring something for each child. Frankly, they have been blessed materially, and are in need of very little. -- PERPLEXED PARTY PLANNER

DEAR PERPLEXED: Why not send separate invitations for each twin? It may save their friends' parents some confusion. And consider including "If you have questions or need further information, call me" on the invitations as well.