DEAR ABBY: My wife and I live in a small town in the Northwest. After many years here, feeling that a warmer climate may be better for us, we decided to retire and move to a 55-plus community. We researched and visited several, and recently bought a home in one with about 5,000 residents and a lot of senior activities.

After closing, we stayed around for several days to get better acquainted and got a rude surprise. Everyone we met was very friendly, but quite a few seemed to have a grudge about at least one other person in the community. We've always made friends easily. What can we do or say to be able to be friends with neighbors who have grudges against each other ("If you are friends with them, you can't be friends with us")? -- NOT TAKING SIDES IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOT TAKING SIDES: It appears you not only moved south, but also into an "elementary school" complete with playground politics. Do not allow yourselves to be shanghaied into an exclusive relationship with anyone who tries to blackmail you this way. If your neighbors can't get along with each other, let it be their problem and see them separately. And when they put down the people they don't like, change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I received an invitation to a "belly and bells shower." The bride is expecting (belly) and her wedding shower is included (bells). Having never received an invitation that honors both events, I'm not certain how to respond gift-wise. Do I buy two gifts? She's registered at two sites, one for baby and one for bridal. -- CONFUSED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONFUSED: Yes, two gifts are what's being requested. What those gifts should be is up to you -- although you will get some idea of what the young couple will need by visiting the two websites. After the shower is over, the rule of etiquette is that you should receive a wedding invitation. If you choose to attend, another gift will be in order, so don't put away your checkbook.

DEAR ABBY: When I met my husband, he dressed impeccably -- suits, sharp sport coats, monogrammed shirts, freshly pressed dress slacks, top-of-the-line leather shoes. Even when we went out with friends for a casual night or a movie, he still dressed well in current, fashionable clothing. I fell in love with a man who dressed beautifully (my father was known for his attire as well, which is perhaps why I like the successful look).

Now that he's retired, his jeans always look dingy (they're not dirty; they just look like they are), his sneakers look worn, and he just doesn't care about his appearance like he once did. When we go out together, I'm embarrassed.

I love the man who used to care about his appearance, not this retired, sloppy-looking guy. If I complain, he tells me I'm being ridiculous. I don't expect him to look like he once did (office attire), but he should at least look current, crisp and clean. Am I wrong to be embarrassed? -- LIKES THE OLD LOOK

DEAR LIKES: I wish you had mentioned how long you and your husband have been married, because over the last 40 years styles have changed. People of both sexes dress much more casually. Your husband may have dressed more formally years ago because there was a dress code at work and it was expected with the crowd with whom you socialized or the places you went. At this point, he may feel that because he's retired he has earned the right to dress "comfortably."

Yes, you are wrong to be embarrassed. What is important is how your husband feels about himself. How he presents himself is a reflection only on him -- not you. You might suggest a shopping trip so the two of you can update those jeans and sneakers, but if he won't bite, you would be wise to let him off the hook.

DEAR ABBY: My significant other and I have five children between us. He has a son and daughter from a previous marriage, I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and we have two daughters together.

I love all our children equally, but my significant other complains nonstop about my daughter from the previous relationship. He nags about every little thing she does, which he never does with his own children. I have talked to him many times about the favoritism he shows toward his kids over my daughter. I understand she's not perfect, but how can I get him to treat all of the children equally? -- EQUALLY CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR EQUALLY CONFUSED: Children aren't stupid. In fact, they are very perceptive. I'm sure your daughter recognizes that the man her mother lives with doesn't like her and treats her differently.

If you can't get through to him that what he's doing is unfair and damaging to your child, and that he needs to tone it down, then explain to her the reason why it's happening. And if necessary, enlist the help of a licensed family therapist to change the dynamic.

DEAR ABBY: We moved to the country, but we're not really far out of town. My educated, urbane, professional husband who has always lived in the city, now bypasses our 2 1/2 bathrooms and relieves himself outdoors in a "king of all he surveys" pose.

We no longer have children living at home, and he refrains from doing it when we have company or there's any possibility of his being seen, but it still drives me crazy! Could I be jealous because I am female, or should I join him? Is it truly as unsanitary as it seems, and is my letter a "first"? -- TEMPTED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TEMPTED: "Public" urination is against the law in most communities because of sanitation -- as well as indecent exposure -- issues. That said, however, the practice is not as unusual as you may believe. If you want to try it, I can't stop you, but I do suggest you bring along some tissue and plan ahead for a place to dispose of it.

As to whether your letter is a first, the answer is no. The topic arose about 20 years ago when "The Whiz-zard's Wife" wrote me about her husband doing it after dark, and occasionally in the side yard during daylight hours. She wondered if it was a normal male ritual. I replied:

"This is not a subject that's often discussed, but I suspect the practice is not unusual. Dogs and cats urinate to mark their territory. Your husband may be doing it for the same reason. For pets, the problem can be resolved by neutering; however, I wouldn't recommend that for your husband. The Los Angeles Police Department informs me that it's 'not illegal as long as it is not in public view.'"

I then suggested she check with the police in her city to be sure there are no ordinances against it.

When people ask me what some of my favorite letters are, I tell them the correspondence generated by "The Whiz-zard's Wife's" letter ranks among them. A sample:

DEAR ABBY: Though a frequent reader (after my wife), I've only now found reason to write to you, in response to the lady who feared her husband's habit of urinating on their lawn was inappropriate. So it may be, but all men pee outdoors.

My best to you and continued good luck with your column. -- CHARLTON HESTON, BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR CHARLTON: Thank you for the input. Your letter is but a drop in the bucket compared to the deluge that has flooded my office since I printed that letter.

DEAR ABBY: My husband did the same thing over my vigorous objections, always after dark. When we moved to our new home, we had a wooden fence built. I decided to teach him a lesson and do the same. He was shocked. He told me I had better not do it again. I told him as long he continued, I would do it too.

Abby, he hasn't done it since. Sometimes, when they won't listen, you have to show 'em. -- HAPPY WIFE, FORNEY, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I strongly disagree with your answer to "Whiz-zard's Wife." You said you suspect the practice is not unusual. My husband doesn't do it, my ex didn't (except when he was drunk) and I've never seen my neighbors do it. My husband says the guy is an exhibitionist. I say he's lazy and ignorant.

However, I once knew a psychiatrist who confessed to occasionally "watering" the rubber tree in his outer office in this manner. I can't imagine why he disclosed this to me, unless it was to coax me into sharing personal secrets. -- ARIZONA ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE: I can't imagine why he did it, either. It would certainly discourage a patient from using the chair closest to the plant.