DEAR ABBY: I'm 42 years old and in my second marriage. My first husband was very abusive. My second loves me, respects me, defends me and has brought out the best in me. But I don't feel like I do the same for him.

Things will get good in our relationship, and then I will lose perspective again, which causes conflict. How do I fix that? How do I find it again, and the sex drive I have lost? I'm so happy. He makes me just glow at times. -- TRYING TO FIND MYSELF

DEAR TRYING: The best place to find your perspective would be on the couch of a licensed mental health therapist. It appears you may have brought the baggage from your first marriage into this one. It's not unusual for people who have been in abusive relationships to have emotional scars. Start interviewing now, and don't stop until you find someone you are comfortable confiding in.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend I met at work three years ago. She's African-American. We have lunch or coffee almost weekly. She always arrives late for our get-togethers, but lately it's become too much. She has made me wait 40 minutes to an hour rather than the usual 10 to 20 minutes. When I show my frustration, she says she is on BPT (Black People Time).

I have tried adopting her lifestyle of being late, but it makes me anxious because I am a very prompt person. I have heard comedians talk about BPT, but I know not all black people do this because I work with others who are considerate of other people's time. Any suggestions? -- LADY IN WAITING

DEAR LADY IN WAITING: What your friend is doing is showing a lack of respect not only for your time but also for your feelings. The next time you arrange to see her, warn her that in the future you will wait no more than 15 minutes, and if she doesn't show up, you will leave. Then do it. If seeing you is important to her, she'll manage to get there. If not, you will know you need to make arrangements with other friends for coffee and lunch.

DEAR ABBY: I am a funeral director by trade, but a couple of years ago one of my good friends asked me to officiate at his wedding. I was happy to do it, and I have since been asked by several other friends to perform their wedding ceremonies, too. I did three last year and have two scheduled for this year.

I am always happy to help, and I don't charge an honorarium. My question is: Am I required to give the couple a gift? I'd like to do what is appropriate. -- MARRYING & BURYING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR M&B: No rule of etiquette requires you to give the couple a gift in addition to the services you are performing for free. If you would like to give them something in addition, by all means do, but it shouldn't be expected.

DEAR ABBY: I have been communicating with this girl I work with who is currently seeing a guy she's been with for four years. We have a strong connection and physical attraction, and we have both disclosed our feelings to each other.

We communicate rarely by text but never through phone calls, for obvious reasons. Her man works for the same company we do but in a different building. It's clear to me that he doesn't complement her being or lifestyle and will never rise to her level.

I let her know that if she were to break things off with him, I would want to give it a try, and she said the same. She contacts me only when she wants and flirts with me whenever we are in contact, but it's always at her convenience.

We have known each other for a year and a half now, and she claims she cares for me. My question, Abby, is how should I go about moving this situation forward? -- IN LINE FOR HER IN NEW YORK

DEAR IN LINE: From where I sit, the ball is in her court, not yours. Because nothing has happened in the last year and a half, you appear to be a diversion rather than the main event.

She has been with her boyfriend for four years. If she were willing to sacrifice the time she has put in with him for a chance to see if things work out with you, it would have happened by now. Because you want a real relationship with someone, my advice is to look elsewhere for one.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter has zero style sense. She tints her hair every color under the sun and dresses straight from the sale bin at the thrift store. She mismatches any and everything she puts on, and she's doing it to her children, too. Their clothes are dingy and outdated. I have bought them stylish clothing. She returns them and gets the ugliest clothes.

She also gives the kids hideous haircuts. If I take them to a stylist, she will buzz the entire cut into a Mohawk. My granddaughter had the most beautiful long hair, and my daughter just cut it into a mullet with short bangs.

Why does she want her kids looking ratty? She keeps a clean house and is an involved, loving mother. It drives me crazy. I try to keep my mouth shut because a gift is a gift. But it really annoys me that she will take back a top-label shirt and exchange it for an ugly one, or a pretty, sparkly dress for my granddaughter for a trashy-looking blue velvet dress with yellow rubber boots. Why? -- STYLISH GRAN IN ARIZONA

DEAR STYLISH GRAN: You are asking the wrong person that question. This is something you should ask your daughter. The answer may be as simple as her taste -- and her children's -- is different from yours. Or, these style choices are something her kids are OK with because this is what their friends are wearing.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Why is tonight different from every other night? Because Passover begins at sundown. Happy Passover, everyone. May your celebration be sweet!

DEAR ABBY: "Ron" and I have been married 20 years and have two children. Recently, he called me a "freeloader" and described my parenting as "half-assed." It's not the first time I've heard it from him.

I work part-time so I can have a flexible schedule and be home with our kids after school. Ron earns considerably more than I do, although I inherited money from my father that will provide security for our kids regardless of our incomes.

I think I'm a great mom. Our kids are healthy and well-adjusted. Although I don't need my husband's salary to live comfortably, I appreciate the good life his work affords us, and I do what I can to show it.

I do, however, expect Ron to participate in raising our kids and contribute to the running of our household. I think it's important, and I have work responsibilities and volunteer in our community. Ron says I do far less than "most of my friends" (who don't work), that he does a lot more around the house than the dads he knows and he resents it because he makes so much more money than I do.

How much is fair to expect him to do to help with our kids and home life? How can I get him to see how much hurt his name-calling and disrespect causes? -- NOT A FREELOADER

DEAR NOT A FREELOADER: Every marriage is unique, which is why your husband should not compare himself to other dads and you to their wives. I find it odd that the husband of a working wife -- and mother -- would resort to name-calling and accuse you of freeloading. Of course Ron should participate in his children's lives. That's what being a father is all about.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Helping with housework sets a good example for the kids. If the two of you can't work out a compromise without name-calling, you should at least agree to have a licensed marriage counselor mediate the discussion.

DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who has just been released from prison and is living with me and my family. He was incarcerated for more than 20 years for drugs.

It breaks my heart to say that he has relapsed and could be heading back down that same road. My mother doesn't want a drug addict in her house. She told him to make other living arrangements, and he has agreed to stay with other relatives where there are more job opportunities.

I feel guilty and my mother does, too. But she refuses to go through what she experienced during her childhood with this person. Is this the right thing to do? -- RELAPSE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RELAPSE: Yes! Your mother has made her feelings clear to this relative. Living with a drug addict is chaotic, and if she doesn't want to repeat the unpleasant and possibly traumatic experience, she shouldn't have to.

By getting him out of the house she is taking care of herself, and for that she shouldn't feel guilty. However, because she does, it might help her -- and you -- to attend some Nar-Anon meetings. The group was founded in 1967 and its mission is to provide emotional support to families and friends of addicts. To locate a meeting nearby, visit nar-anon.org or call toll-free (800) 477-6291.