life

Parents Blame Teen's Friends for Underage Drinking Episode

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 12th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter, "Jenny," went to a sleepover with her two best friends from school last Friday, "Penny" and "Ginger." Penny's parents went out and left the girls alone. They drank some beer. Jenny and Ginger were sober, but Penny also drank some hard liquor and got very drunk. I found out about it the following Monday after Penny texted my daughter and Ginger to tell them how upset and disappointed her parents were and that they were demanding letters of apology from all three girls.

I thought it was over the top, but realized Jenny was in the wrong. That same day Jenny wrote them an email with a heartfelt apology for disrespecting everyone by drinking in their house, for drinking their beer without permission and for allowing their daughter to get drunk (not being a true friend and trying harder to stop her).

Now, the fifth day after the email was confirmed received, my daughter is disappointed that it was never acknowledged. Penny's parents have been known to be dramatic in past dealings with other students and parents. Will you advise me on what I should do? I feel I should let it go and let Jenny figure out how she should choose her friends. She has ditched a friend who wasn't a good influence on her without us forcing her to. -- JENNY'S MOM IN CANADA

DEAR MOM: There is plenty of blame to go around. Penny's parents shouldn't have left three teenagers alone with liquor available. While I can't blame them for being upset after coming home and finding their daughter smashed and the other two "tiddly," they were wrong to expect Jenny and Ginger to have prevented their daughter from misbehaving.

I do not agree that asking for a written apology was over the top. And under the circumstances, I don't think your daughter's letter needed acknowledgment. Let it go, with a firm lecture to your daughter about underage drinking and the consequences that will follow if you find out it happens again.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Family Connections Keep Man Tied to Ex-Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 12th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, I ran into "John," an old friend who was going through a divorce. We began a wonderful relationship, although he was having a hard time emotionally. I was John's confidante and best friend. About six months after the divorce was final, his ex-wife found out he was with me. She decided she wanted him back, and he reconciled with her.

John and I still talk, and since then they have broken up three or four additional times. I want him back, but only if she's completely out of the picture. She's a master manipulator and uses their adult kids and grandchildren to control him. How can I get it through John's head that if he stands his ground, she will go away and find someone else? -- STAYING WITH IT IN OHIO

DEAR STAYING: If you think John's wife (ex?) will ever be completely out of the picture, you are mistaken. She will always be there in some capacity because of the children and grandchildren. If you can't accept that fact, you should end the relationship before you waste any more time.

Marriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Guilt Weighs Down Daughter of Independent Elderly Mother

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 11th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 92-year-old mother lives alone, still drives and manages by herself with a feral cat she took in. She's dealing with heart failure, but doing well on her meds. I am 70, an only child, married, retired and live six hours away.

We go to see her four times a year and stay for a week in our RV. We talk on the phone once a week and email a couple times in between phone calls.

Mom says she's staying in her house as long as she is able. She has nice neighbors who will do anything for her, plus a lawn/snow service. We have told her she's welcome to come live with us, but she loves her independence and has the cat to take care of.

She goes to her church group, senior citizens group and gets her nails done every three weeks. She's busier than I am socially. But I feel consumed by guilt that she's so far away and afraid that each visit may be our last.

My husband says he isn't moving, and he has his own activities and health issues. He doesn't want to stay with Mom more than a week because we end up watching QVC with her all afternoon. When we left last week, she said, "My friends told me I hardly ever see you, and I hope you can come more often."

I don't know what to do. Am I doing enough? We pay her taxes and phone/cable/internet and any big bills (car repairs). But I'm not there to drop in the way most of her friends' children do, who never moved away after high school. -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN MARYLAND

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: You are doing as much as you can for your mother. Her friends should not judge because their family situations are not the same as yours. You stated that you email her in between phone calls. Ask your mother if she would be open to video chatting (Skype, FaceTime, etc.) in between those phone calls. That way you could see each other's faces, and it might help her feel less distant from you.

MoneyHealth & SafetyMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Cruise Is Hard-Earned Vacation, Not Shopping Trip for Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 11th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have only recently recovered financially from the economy crashing. We lost our car, our home and filed bankruptcy. Thankfully, we now have some savings and no debt other than our new home.

It has been 10 years since we had a real vacation, so we are planning a cruise. My problem is I mentioned it to some friends and family members. Four of them have now asked us to bring back souvenirs for them. I feel it's presumptuous. I don't want to spend my vacation running around buying other people stuff.

Am I being overly sensitive or are they being impolite? And how can I politely refuse? -- FRUSTRATED IN THE USA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are not overly sensitive. Tell those folks that your excursion schedule will be tight and you won't have time to do much shopping -- even for yourselves. It's the truth, I'll bet.

P.S. And when you return, be discreet about flashing any souvenirs you pick up for yourselves along the way!

Holidays & CelebrationsFriends & NeighborsMoney
life

Teen Daughter Catches Married Dad Texting With Other Women

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter caught her father, my husband, emailing and texting other women. He has been doing it for months.

He says he went on dating sites because he was unhappy in our marriage and needed attention and to feel desirable. He claims he only emailed and texted these women discussing relationship troubles, no sex talk.

I'm furious he was so careless that our daughter found the emails (in one he stated his sex drive was very high and asked how her sex drive was). I am devastated that he would do this to our family. He says he didn't think it was cheating because it was only online and sex wasn't discussed. Please advise. -- FURIOUS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FURIOUS: Your husband isn't being honest. At the very least there was "sex talk" as soon as he used that three-letter word in his emails/texts to the women on the dating sites. You two are overdue for a visit to a marriage and family therapist to determine if the damage your husband has done to his relationship with you and his daughter can be repaired. Please do not wait to schedule an appointment.

Marriage & DivorceTeens
life

Ex-Wife Continues to Ask Man She Left for Help Paying Her Bills

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I were together for five years (married for two). While she was with me I supported her financially and put her through college. She left me a year ago. I was the one who filed for divorce.

After she left, I gave her half the money in my savings account to help her while she was trying to land on her feet. She has found a job now, but struggles to pay bills.

Recently, she called and asked me to "lend" her money to help with her power bill. I refused. While I understand that she's no longer my financial responsibility, I still feel compelled to help her. What can I do to prevent her from putting me in an awkward situation (I have since moved on to a new relationship) without having to be a complete jerk? -- NICE GUY IN TEXAS

DEAR NICE GUY: As you accurately put it, your ex-wife is no longer your responsibility. After she walked out on you, you did the right thing in filing for divorce. You are acting like you feel guilty for doing so. By paying for her education and enabling her to support herself, you were more than generous. The surest way to prevent yourself from being hit on for money would be to respond with a firm and final NO.

MoneyMarriage & Divorce
life

Girl Looks for Ways to Spend More Time With Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 9-year-old girl and my mom doesn't spend a lot of quality time with me. What should I tell her to get her to spend time with me? -- NEEDS TIME IN FLORIDA

DEAR NEEDS TIME: What a sad letter. Not knowing why your mother isn't giving you enough quality time, I can only suggest that you tell her you need more of her and hope she hears how important your message is.

Family & Parenting
life

It's Time to Jump Into Spring

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2018 | Letter 4 of 4

DEAR READERS: Once again, this is my annual reminder to those of you who live where daylight saving time is observed: Don't forget to turn your clocks forward one hour tonight at bedtime. Daylight saving time begins at 2 a.m. tomorrow. It's a ritual I love because it signals the coming of spring, with longer, brighter days and warmer weather.

Holidays & Celebrations

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