life

Off-and-On Relationship May Be Off Again After Confession

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 28th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Al," and I have been together for two years off and on. We dated casually for six months before we decided to be exclusive. Unbeknownst to him, I was also sleeping with someone else, "Brandon."

Al and I had a fight and broke up for a few months, and during that time I slept with another good friend of mine, "Marc." When Marc and I decided it wasn't serious and moved on, Al and I got back together.

I didn't feel obligated to tell Al about it at the time, since "technically" I did nothing wrong. But as we became more and more serious, it occurred to me that it was a lie of omission, since we interact with both men on a social level. I told Al, and he isn't handling it well, so now I'm at a loss about what to do.

Honesty and time are key, I know, but he is distancing himself from me. Do I let him go? I am fighting hard right now, but I'm feeling beaten down at every turn. -- WRONG IN THE EAST

DEAR WRONG: Not all relationships last forever. It's possible that this one has run its course.

If you and Al had agreed you would both be abstinent after the separation, he has reason to be upset. If you had promised each other there would be an accounting of who each of you had been with and you didn't live up to it, I can see why he would be distancing. However, if an understanding wasn't in place, then you were free to be with others and you did nothing wrong.

If Al no longer wants to be with you -- for whatever reason -- you have no choice but to let him go. For your sake, quit allowing yourself to be beaten down and make it as painless for yourself as possible.

Love & Dating
life

Little Boy's Love for Painted Fingernails Is Frowned on by Grandma

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 28th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Is it wrong to paint my 2 1/2-year-old boy's fingernails when he begs me to? I'm a stay-at-home mom and very close with my son. When I paint my nails (I paint them pink), my son sees me and insists I paint his toes and fingers "just like Mommy."

I see it as all in fun, but my mother-in-law makes snide comments about him being a boy and that boys shouldn't have their nails painted. My husband has also said I should stop.

I know my son will want me to paint his nails only a little while longer. It's not harming anyone, and I'm sick of all the gender barriers. Am I wrong here? -- PRETTY IN PINK

DEAR PRETTY: Your mother-in-law appears to think that polishing your 2-year-old's nails will "make" him effeminate. It's no more valid than her not doing it has "made" your husband masculine. Ignore the snide remarks because you are not going to change her.

Whether your little boy wants you to continue painting his nails pink -- or, for that matter, to wear something pink -- is far less important than making sure he knows you love and support him and it's OK to be himself. That's the way parents raise confident and successful children.

Sex & GenderFamily & Parenting
life

Something's Wrong When Elderly Parents Must Pay Their Children for Rides

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 28th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: What is your opinion about elderly parents who no longer drive having to pay their children to drive them to appointments, grocery, etc.? Think of all the times parents drove them when they were growing up. -- RETURNING THE FAVOR

DEAR RETURNING THE FAVOR: Most adult children with a memory would never dream of asking to be paid for driving their elderly parents. A child who would do this must be desperate for money. In my opinion, because they are paying for it anyway, the parents should make other arrangements for transportation.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Wife's Desire for Motherhood Grows Stronger as Years Pass

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 27th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are 15 years apart in age. We have been together for six years, married a year and a half. He is my entire world, my best friend and soul mate.

When we first met, he told me he didn't think he wanted another child (he has a daughter). I learned to accept it if I wanted to be with him. I had to be OK with being a stepmom and not having a child of my own.

Fast-forward: It's six years later. His daughter (now 14) no longer comes around. (The ex-wife discouraged any relationship between my stepdaughter and me.) I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with the fact that I don't have a child of my own. When I bring this up to my husband, he tells me, "I told you in the beginning I didn't think I wanted another child."

How do I deal with this? It's breaking my heart because she is not around anymore and I don't feel like a mom of any sort. -- LONGING TO BE A MOM

DEAR LONGING: Tell your husband that in the beginning when he told you he didn't think he wanted another child, you agreed because you thought you could accept it, but that as time has gone by, you no longer can. Then tell him you feel an important part of being a woman is being a mother. If he refuses to relent, then as much as you may love him, you may be married to the wrong man, and you will have to move on if you need to follow your biological imperative.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Rules of the Road Should Apply to Supermarket Aisles

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 27th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Can you please educate your readers about supermarket etiquette? Every time I buy groceries, I encounter people who push or park their carts in the middle of the aisle with no consideration for other shoppers. I also see them blindly blast through intersections in the aisles and barely avoid colliding with each other.

A few weeks ago, I said to a gentleman, "Pardon me, may I go around you? Thank you." He responded that I was the first person who had ever said that to him! I'm surprised there aren't more cases of road rage in supermarkets.

My suggestion: Why don't we follow basic traffic rules in the supermarket? For example, stay to the right unless you are passing. Yield at intersections to the shopper on the right, etc. Abby, what do you think? Also, what's your take on big kids riding in the grocery carts? -- DISGUSTED SHOPPER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISGUSTED: What you describe happens when folks fail to consider how their behavior affects others. When someone blocks the aisle with a grocery cart, the logical way to deal with it is to say, "Excuse me, please," which alerts the "offender" that there are others in the store besides him or her.

Your suggestion that shoppers observe basic traffic rules is a good one -- particularly when it involves observing the speed limit. Charging through the intersections of the aisles could cause an accident in which another shopper is harmed.

As to "big kids" riding in shopping carts, as long as they aren't bothering other shoppers and the store doesn't care, I mind my own business and don't judge.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Work Leaves Single Mom With Little Time for Son

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 29. I had a son six years ago and left my ex because he didn't want to be a father. He chose to party instead. I had to file a name change for my son, and custody was hard to fight for because the father refused to show up.

Since then, I've worked two and sometimes three jobs just to stay ahead. My child hardly sees me. I work so much that my son has stopped calling me "Mommy" and instead calls me by my name. I feel hopeless and that I'm working for nothing. Have I made a mistake working so much? -- MOMMY IN MARYLAND

DEAR MOMMY: If you are working those long hours in order to pay your bills, you are doing what a parent is supposed to do -- providing for your child. Because your ex isn't doing his share, get on the internet and research "child support for single mothers." Resources are available to help you.

As to your son no longer calling you "Mommy," I would have to ask where he got the idea he would call you anything else. (Have you asked him?) Rather than accept it, make clear that he has only one mommy, you are it, and you will not tolerate being called anything else.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting
life

Communication Is a Problem for Man of Too Few Words

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing someone for six or seven months, but we have been together for only three. He's quite the package, except he can't handle confrontation and doesn't communicate well. His way of handling uncomfortable conversations is to avoid them, while I, on the other hand, tend to be very communicative.

Is there a way for both of us to be happy when dealing with difficult conversations? Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable with them? I should add that he hasn't been in a relationship in forever. I'm happy with him, but communication is important to me. -- VERBAL IN THE WEST

DEAR VERBAL: Has it occurred to you that this man may not have been in a relationship "in forever" because he can't deal with uncomfortable conversations? For many women, that would be a deal-breaker.

While not all men are comfortable with long, heartfelt conversations, the only way to arrive at a compromise is to talk with each other. Give him more time because your relationship is still new. But if he isn't capable of opening up, recognize it as an important red flag if you are contemplating a long relationship with him.

Love & Dating
life

Mom Wants to Help Pay for Stolen Bike

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son's best friend's bike was stolen from our front yard, and I feel terrible about it. Up to this point, he had been careful to put it in our garage or by our front door when he came over.

It was new, and I want to offer to help pay for a new one if we don't find it. My husband disagrees. I know the child's parents don't expect it, but I feel it's the right thing to do. -- FEELING GUILTY IN TEXAS

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: While it would be generous to offer to help pay for the bike, you should not feel obligated or guilty because you did nothing wrong. One can only hope the boy has learned an important lesson from what happened. In the future, he will make sure his bike is safely parked inside your garage and not out where a thief can snatch it.

Etiquette & EthicsMoney

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