life

Wife's Desire for Motherhood Grows Stronger as Years Pass

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 27th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are 15 years apart in age. We have been together for six years, married a year and a half. He is my entire world, my best friend and soul mate.

When we first met, he told me he didn't think he wanted another child (he has a daughter). I learned to accept it if I wanted to be with him. I had to be OK with being a stepmom and not having a child of my own.

Fast-forward: It's six years later. His daughter (now 14) no longer comes around. (The ex-wife discouraged any relationship between my stepdaughter and me.) I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with the fact that I don't have a child of my own. When I bring this up to my husband, he tells me, "I told you in the beginning I didn't think I wanted another child."

How do I deal with this? It's breaking my heart because she is not around anymore and I don't feel like a mom of any sort. -- LONGING TO BE A MOM

DEAR LONGING: Tell your husband that in the beginning when he told you he didn't think he wanted another child, you agreed because you thought you could accept it, but that as time has gone by, you no longer can. Then tell him you feel an important part of being a woman is being a mother. If he refuses to relent, then as much as you may love him, you may be married to the wrong man, and you will have to move on if you need to follow your biological imperative.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Rules of the Road Should Apply to Supermarket Aisles

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 27th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Can you please educate your readers about supermarket etiquette? Every time I buy groceries, I encounter people who push or park their carts in the middle of the aisle with no consideration for other shoppers. I also see them blindly blast through intersections in the aisles and barely avoid colliding with each other.

A few weeks ago, I said to a gentleman, "Pardon me, may I go around you? Thank you." He responded that I was the first person who had ever said that to him! I'm surprised there aren't more cases of road rage in supermarkets.

My suggestion: Why don't we follow basic traffic rules in the supermarket? For example, stay to the right unless you are passing. Yield at intersections to the shopper on the right, etc. Abby, what do you think? Also, what's your take on big kids riding in the grocery carts? -- DISGUSTED SHOPPER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISGUSTED: What you describe happens when folks fail to consider how their behavior affects others. When someone blocks the aisle with a grocery cart, the logical way to deal with it is to say, "Excuse me, please," which alerts the "offender" that there are others in the store besides him or her.

Your suggestion that shoppers observe basic traffic rules is a good one -- particularly when it involves observing the speed limit. Charging through the intersections of the aisles could cause an accident in which another shopper is harmed.

As to "big kids" riding in shopping carts, as long as they aren't bothering other shoppers and the store doesn't care, I mind my own business and don't judge.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Work Leaves Single Mom With Little Time for Son

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 29. I had a son six years ago and left my ex because he didn't want to be a father. He chose to party instead. I had to file a name change for my son, and custody was hard to fight for because the father refused to show up.

Since then, I've worked two and sometimes three jobs just to stay ahead. My child hardly sees me. I work so much that my son has stopped calling me "Mommy" and instead calls me by my name. I feel hopeless and that I'm working for nothing. Have I made a mistake working so much? -- MOMMY IN MARYLAND

DEAR MOMMY: If you are working those long hours in order to pay your bills, you are doing what a parent is supposed to do -- providing for your child. Because your ex isn't doing his share, get on the internet and research "child support for single mothers." Resources are available to help you.

As to your son no longer calling you "Mommy," I would have to ask where he got the idea he would call you anything else. (Have you asked him?) Rather than accept it, make clear that he has only one mommy, you are it, and you will not tolerate being called anything else.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting
life

Communication Is a Problem for Man of Too Few Words

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing someone for six or seven months, but we have been together for only three. He's quite the package, except he can't handle confrontation and doesn't communicate well. His way of handling uncomfortable conversations is to avoid them, while I, on the other hand, tend to be very communicative.

Is there a way for both of us to be happy when dealing with difficult conversations? Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable with them? I should add that he hasn't been in a relationship in forever. I'm happy with him, but communication is important to me. -- VERBAL IN THE WEST

DEAR VERBAL: Has it occurred to you that this man may not have been in a relationship "in forever" because he can't deal with uncomfortable conversations? For many women, that would be a deal-breaker.

While not all men are comfortable with long, heartfelt conversations, the only way to arrive at a compromise is to talk with each other. Give him more time because your relationship is still new. But if he isn't capable of opening up, recognize it as an important red flag if you are contemplating a long relationship with him.

Love & Dating
life

Mom Wants to Help Pay for Stolen Bike

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son's best friend's bike was stolen from our front yard, and I feel terrible about it. Up to this point, he had been careful to put it in our garage or by our front door when he came over.

It was new, and I want to offer to help pay for a new one if we don't find it. My husband disagrees. I know the child's parents don't expect it, but I feel it's the right thing to do. -- FEELING GUILTY IN TEXAS

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: While it would be generous to offer to help pay for the bike, you should not feel obligated or guilty because you did nothing wrong. One can only hope the boy has learned an important lesson from what happened. In the future, he will make sure his bike is safely parked inside your garage and not out where a thief can snatch it.

Etiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Retired Teacher Is Pessimistic About Finding a New Romance

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 25th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old male former teacher and social worker. I stopped dating 30 years ago because the only women I had loved had all dumped me. I felt I was only a temporary convenience to them.

Since then, I haven't been romantically involved with anyone so I would not be dumped again. However, I am lonely for female companionship and afraid I'll die without ever having had another girlfriend.

I'm not attracted to women my age, and I don't see younger women being attracted to an overweight old guy who isn't even scraping by on Social Security. Dating services don't screen their members. Is there a solution for this problem? -- HOPELESS IN MISSOURI

DEAR HOPELESS: I'm sorry women in your age range don't qualify, because it would be easier for you if they did. To be appreciated for the person you are, you will have to meet through mutual friends, church or an activity you enjoy -- something that will allow women to see the strengths you have.

However, if that doesn't open some doors and some hearts, because you're looking for unconditional love, consider adopting a puppy.

Love & Dating
life

Classmate's Broken Glasses Are Sign of Family's Struggle

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 25th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My middle-schooler noticed that the family of one of her classmates is struggling financially. The boy wears eyeglasses with a crooked frame and one missing lens. His clothing and shoes are shabby and worn.

Not knowing the student or his family, I know my options are limited. They rely on public transportation, and none of the other students know where they live.

Education is paramount to getting out of this jam. Without something as simple as glasses, I'm afraid it can't be done. Do you have any recommendations on how to help get this student a pair? Since I don't know the family, how do I even offer a ride to an optometrist's without fear of being labeled a kidnapper? -- TRYING TO HELP IN THE WEST

DEAR TRYING TO HELP: A diplomatic way to handle it would be to discuss this with your daughter's teacher or the school principal. I agree a child who can't see the blackboard has little chance of academic success. If you would like to provide transportation or pay for glasses for the boy, speaking with school staff would be the path with the least potential for embarrassment.

Work & SchoolMoney
life

Girlfriend Who Loves a Fight Knows Which Buttons to Push

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 25th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am currently in a relationship that's great except for one thing. She knows what "buttons" to push to make me angry, and she'll continue to push them.

No matter what I do, she's in my face. It just seems she wants to argue until I reach the point of exploding. I try to walk away, go to another room, ignore her, tell her she's making me angry -- yet she continues. I'm all for being able to walk away and then talk about it later -- and I have confronted her on this. What do I do? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: What do you do? You break up with this toxic individual who enjoys goading you to the point of exploding, and find a woman who is a lot more compatible.

Mental HealthLove & Dating

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