life

Strings Attached to Son's Gift Have Mom Tied Up in Knots

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 8th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son bought me a car in 2012. I had no idea he was doing it. He traded my car in for this newer car.

During the last five years this "gift" has been nothing but a sore spot. If I get a ding from a parking lot, it's my fault. If I let someone smoke in it, I'm unappreciative. It's always, "I do something to help you, and you're so ungrateful." I'm at the point of giving it back and riding a bus. What's the solution? -- AUTO-CHALLENGED MOM IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR AUTO-CHALLENGED: The solution is to stand up for yourself. Your son appears to be using his "generosity" to badger you.

If you haven't told him how his comments have made you feel, you should. Point out that you can't control what happens to the vehicle when you're not in it. And once a gift is given, it's the recipient's to do with as she wishes. If a friend lighting up in your car doesn't bother you, you shouldn't have to apologize for it.

As a last resort, consider trading the car in for one he has nothing to do with.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Woman Starting a New Life Doesn't Want to Look Back

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 8th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After 31 years of marriage, I divorced my husband last year. I was very unhappily married, and am glad to be moving forward in life. Our children suffered as well because of our marriage, and are only now beginning to make healthy choices.

My problem is that people I knew ages ago have found me on social media and want to reconnect. I'm not ready for that. I don't want to discuss what's been happening for the last 32 years. I don't want to wave them off, but neither do I want to talk about my life. It would make them uncomfortable.

I'm building a new life now, but it's still under construction. How do I respond to these well-meaning old friends? -- NOT READY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOT READY: You do not have to reveal anything to these old acquaintances that you don't wish to. If they ask questions you feel are too personal or painful, all you have to say is you would rather not discuss it. Then change the subject.

Friends & NeighborsMarriage & Divorce
life

Man's Snoring Threatens to Chase Wife out of Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 8th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband tosses and turns, snores, talks and sings in his sleep. In short, I cannot get my sleep when we're in the same bed. He insists that I sleep with him because "if I don't, it would create a rift in our marriage." When I tell him I love him but I need to get my sleep, he says that love is only a word for me if I don't act upon it by sleeping next to him. It has gotten so bad I am thinking of leaving him. Advice? -- ONLY A WORD IN OHIO

DEAR ONLY A WORD: Rather than leave, schedule an appointment for both of you with your family physician. Because your "musical" husband is tone-deaf when he hears you need a solid night's sleep, let the doctor impress upon him how important sleep is for good mental and physical health. Many happily married couples sleep in separate beds -- and sometimes even separate rooms -- and have great relations both in and out of bed. When there are sleep problems, sleeping apart isn't a matter of rejection; it's common sense.

Health & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Wife of Man With Parkinson's Wants to Start Dating Others

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 72-year-old married woman. My husband has atypical Parkinson's and can no longer talk or walk.

I exercise six days a week, but I need someone to talk to, to share life with. I tell my husband what I do each day, but of course, there is no feedback. He's at home, and we have 24-hour care.

Can I date? If I explained to him how I need companionship, he might agree. But am I being selfish? This has been going on for six years. I figure I have only 10 productive years left -- maybe fewer. I feel like my life is over. Please help me. I feel like I'm dying. -- REQUIRES COMPANIONSHIP

DEAR REQUIRES COMPANIONSHIP: I think it would be not only selfish but cruel to tell your husband you need companionship and want to seek another relationship. How would you feel if you were in his position, unable to walk or talk, and he said that to you?

If ever I heard of a person who needs to join a support group, it is you. The American Parkinson Disease Association (apdaparkinson.org) can help you locate one. The toll-free phone number is (800) 223-2732.

As to my giving you permission to date, that's something that should be between you and your conscience or higher power, not Dear Abby.

P.S. Couples who face this kind of diagnosis should have this conversation in advance.

Love & DatingEtiquette & EthicsHealth & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Husband's New Interest in Church Gets Wife's Attention

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 35 years, and I'm not sure how to respond to some recent developments in our relationship.

Ever since our wedding, I have tried to persuade him to attend church with me, but he always declined, preferring instead to stay home and catch up on his sleep. Both of us are Protestants, so I don't think my denomination was an issue. However, when his older brother moved back to our area a few months ago, my husband decided to attend church services regularly with him and his family. On top of that, he now wants us to have separate Facebook accounts and separate email addresses.

For the most part, I have kept my feelings to myself, but I am worried that my needs are no longer important to him. Do you think I have a reason to be concerned? -- WORRIED WIFE IN WICHITA

DEAR WIFE: Yes, I do. Any drastic change in a spouse's behavior is cause for concern, and his sudden desire to separate his internet activity from yours is another red flag.

Stop keeping your feelings to yourself and speak up. He may be doing something on Sunday mornings besides going to church with his brother.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Dad Who's Done His Time Tries to Reconnect With Daughter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was convicted of a crime and did three years on a six-year sentence. My daughter was 2 when I was incarcerated. I was released last year and am currently on parole.

I tried contacting my ex-wife about seeing our daughter and being a part of her life, but I only made things worse. Now she's trying to hide my girl from me. I'm trying my best, but she refuses to put me on child support. What do I do? -- TROUBLED FATHER

DEAR TROUBLED: You may have to take your ex-wife to court. If you're able to afford it, seek advice from an attorney about your options.

Family & Parenting
life

Dad of Twins Fears Wife Is Suffering From Depression

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My wife gave birth to our twin girls almost a year ago, and for the most part, things have been great. They are happy and healthy, but I'm not sure how happy my wife is. I'm afraid she may be suffering from postpartum depression, but she won't see anyone about it.

She's always putting the girls first and is stressed out because there's never enough time in the day to do everything. From day one, I have made sure that I'm doing my part. I help cook and clean and change poopy diapers. I feel I'm very hands-on, and she agrees. I know twins can be stressful, but I'm pretty relaxed about the process and go with the flow.

I have begged her to talk to someone, but she thinks if she does she will have to take antidepressants and won't be able to breastfeed. It's starting to affect our marriage because she takes out her frustration on me. I get yelled at for stuff that doesn't make sense or hasn't really happened.

Would it be wrong to tell her we are going to lunch and take her to see someone instead -- like a mental health intervention? Or should I let her figure this out on her own? -- BABY BLUES IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BABY BLUES: To shanghai your wife into a mental health intervention would be a mistake. Be honest with your wife. Tell her you are deeply concerned, and that her stress level is affecting your marriage. Then tell her you will be making an appointment for her with her OB-GYN and accompanying her. The doctor can tell her what the alternatives are for treatment, if she needs it. Her fears may be groundless, and medication may not be necessary, but it is important that her doctor evaluate her.

Mental HealthMarriage & Divorce
life

Man Drags Whole Family Into Every Disagreement With Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 10 years. Things are great, except for one major issue. Every time we get into a spat, he feels the need to air all of our dirty laundry to his family, which is now my family.

I am a private person. I don't like having other people in the middle of our drama. He tells his relatives his side of the story, and because they don't hear my side, they automatically assume he is some sort of victim. I then start receiving phone calls and text messages from everyone wanting to know what's going on and trying to give me advice. When I politely turn them down, they get angry and start lecturing me about how wrong I am.

This happens often, no matter how small the argument. What do I do? How can I get him to see how much it bothers me? I don't want the world to know what goes on in our home. Nothing I say gets through to him. -- BETRAYED AND ALONE

DEAR BETRAYED: Your husband knows how much what he's doing bothers you. He just doesn't care. He knows that when he runs to his family he will have automatic allies.

It will take work on both your parts with the help of an unbiased licensed marriage and family therapist for your marriage to improve. If your husband won't go with you -- and he may not -- you should go without him. Because of his level of immaturity, it's a wonder your marriage has made it this long without intervention.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce

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