DEAR ABBY: I love my grandson dearly. He lived with us off and on growing up because there were problems in his birth family. Our relationship was always close and loving. I confess that we spoiled him out of fear that at any moment his mother would stop us from seeing him.

When he grew up he joined the military and met a girl on the opposite side of the country who he's planning to marry. The problem is, she's insecure and doesn't want him to have any contact with his family or friends.

To say our hearts are broken doesn't describe our feelings of abandonment and sorrow. While we think he's making a mistake by marrying such a controlling person, we realize it's his decision to make. We wouldn't dream of interfering, and we wish them happiness.

Please help me deal with all this hurt. How do we cope with our feelings of betrayal and rejection from someone we love so dearly? We have done nothing to deserve being treated this way. -- CAST ASIDE

DEAR CAST ASIDE: Your grandson may have joined the armed forces, but where his love life is concerned, the stronger partner is his fiancee. The situation you have described is sad, but not as unusual as you may think. I have heard from heartbroken parents whose sons turned their backs on them after the wedding because their wives' parents took precedence.

How they cope with their hurt and disappointment varies. Some of them talk to their religious advisers, others to therapists. The healthy ones keep their eyes forward and go on with their lives, and that's what I am hoping you eventually decide to do. You have my sympathy, believe me.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor, "Sandy," gave me a "thank-you pie" she had baked, saying it was a family recipe. I am aware that I have reactions to the standard allergens of life, bee stings and poison ivy, but after one bite of her pumpkin pie, I felt an intense burning sensation in my mouth and my throat swelled up. I always keep medication with me so I was able to check the reaction and stay out of the emergency room.

Sandy has called twice and left messages asking if I liked her pie. I haven't responded because I'm not sure what to say to her. I'd really like to know what was in that recipe so I can avoid it in the future. -- NO MORE PIE, PLEASE

DEAR N.M.P.P.: Apologize to Sandy for not returning her call sooner and explain that you didn't because you had a serious allergic reaction to one of the ingredients in her thank-you pie. Tell her you were fortunate to have had medication with you or you would have wound up in the emergency room. Then ask her what ingredients in the pie might have caused the reaction so you can avoid them in the future. It's a legitimate question, and if Sandy is a friend as well as a good neighbor, she will tell you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl, and I'm pretty sure I'm the most insecure thing on the planet. I always feel self-conscious. Although I guess it's normal for kids my age to feel like this, it's at a whole different level for me.

I feel like everyone, including my closest friends, don't like me or care about me as much as I care for them. I try to distance myself from people so I won't seem annoying or clingy, but that has left me socially deprived.

I don't have a best friend either. I have multiple "kind of" friends. I'm scared to get close to anyone, and too shy to make new friends. And yes, I know, having friends isn't the most important thing in the world, but it's still pretty important because you need to have people there for you, to trust and to have fun and make memories with.

I always feel like a burden to everyone and like everyone who is nice to me is only doing it out of pity. This year I wasn't invited to even one Sweet 16 party because I have distanced myself from everyone. No one, except for two kids, talks to me at school, and when the teacher asks the class to partner up, I'm usually left alone.

A lot of this "no one likes you, everyone hates you" paranoia comes from my parents, because when I was younger, they said it to me repeatedly. I only have a few internet friends. They're the only best friends I have, but unlike me, they have lives outside of the internet. I'm the loser. Please help. -- COMPLETELY WORTHLESS

DEAR COMPLETELY WORTHLESS: Please do not compare your life with the lives of the people you know from the internet because the information can be misleading. In an online world, everything seems rosy because people are less likely to post about their disappointments.

In the real world, let me point out that parents are supposed to support and encourage their children, not belittle and denigrate them. Because you need more mentoring than I can offer in a letter or a column, I hope you will discuss your issues with a counselor at school who may be able to help you receive professional counseling to overcome the verbal abuse you have experienced at home. Please write me again and let me know how you are doing because I care.

DEAR ABBY: What's a polite way to respond to friends who ask, "Are you having a baby shower?" when no one has offered to throw me one?

My husband and I are expecting our first child, and we are thrilled. My family is unable to host a baby shower (which I understand would be a breach of etiquette anyway) and my husband has no family.

I'm not particularly wedded to the idea of having a shower, since my husband and I are well established and I don't really like being the center of attention. Still, if someone offered, I would graciously accept. I feel awkward when I am asked this question because I don't want to seem entitled or expectant or like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Do you have any way to say, "No one has offered, but I'll let you know if they do"? -- EXPECTANT MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EXPECTANT MOM: Honesty is the best policy. Your answer to that question is perfectly acceptable. It's the truth, and it may cause some of your friends to step up to bat.

DEAR ABBY: I have an answer for a question from "Excluded in the East" you printed on Sept. 24: "Why do married couples exclude single people?"

As a single mother with three children for 15 years, I made the conscious decision to conduct myself as I always had when I was part of a couple. I hosted backyard parties and holiday dinners and invited my married friends. I initiated invitations for dinner and a movie.

At restaurants, I made sure to pick up my own tab. If a couple insisted on paying for my meal, I insisted on paying the tip and was prepared with cash. Why? Because I was mindful that some men felt uncomfortable about taking money from a single woman.

If I wanted company for the evening, I drove to their house. Sometimes I volunteered to be the designated safe driver. Most important, I never complained about my ex or vented about the difficulties of coping as a single mom.

Needless to say, there was no flirting or inappropriate comments. I also avoided lengthy side conversations with one spouse. In short, I worked hard to make sure my married friends enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs, and it worked! -- LAURA IN NEW YORK

DEAR LAURA: I'm glad it worked for you. After I asked for readers' input on the topic, I received many interesting responses. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: I suspect that married couples are afraid divorce is contagious. It could have something to do with the fact that some married people are no longer happily married and they fear if they include a divorcee, it might trigger a divorce. -- HAPPILY UNCOUPLED IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. A lot of couples exclude singles because they don't want them to feel like third wheels. I remember when I was single feeling that way in some groups, and it was depressing. Marrieds also have a different mindset than singles, which can lead to awkwardness. It can work, but it has to be the right group. -- MARRIED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: We're a gay male married couple. We have many friends -- singles and couples, gay and straight -- with whom we socialize, usually at restaurants. We often dine with single friends one at a time, because splitting the tab is simply a matter of two credit cards. If we're with another couple, that's two credit cards. Three couples, it's three cards, etc. But with five or seven people at the table, paying for the meal turns into an exercise in high finance. -- KEEPING IT SIMPLE IN PALM SPRINGS

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 60s and still single. I actually prefer to be left out of invitations to eat in restaurants, go on trips, etc. with my many coupled friends. It makes me somewhat depressed to be with those who have found their mates. "Excluded's" friends may be sensitive about this, too. I'm very comfortable at home with my menagerie, and I often invite people over -- married couples included. -- DOG LADY IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: Couples who tend to exclude their single friends, for whatever reason, need to remember that one day they, too, may be single and overlooked. My dear mom was left out a lot after her divorce, and I remember how sad it made her feel. -- ANDREA IN DENVER