DEAR ABBY: I have grown children. All of them are underachievers. When contemporaries talk about their children getting jobs, getting married, having kids, going on vacation, buying a house/car, adopting a pet, I have nothing to contribute.

My children do not have lives; they work low-paying jobs and scrape by. Worse, they have no ambition to do better. They no longer live with me, but often gather at each other's places to play video games when they are not working. They are not enjoyable to be around.

My life is otherwise good, and I don't want them bringing me down. My marriage is solid, I work hard, we travel a few times a year and enjoy dining out and meeting with friends. We go to sporting events, live plays, concerts, movies, etc. What is a mother to do? -- LET DOWN IN MISSOURI

DEAR LET DOWN: Your children are adults. If they were motivated, they would be doing more with their lives than playing video games and scraping by. Be glad they are independent and have good relationships with each other -- it's a plus -- and continue living your life. You can't live theirs for them. And please stop comparing them to the offspring of your friends and acquaintances. If you do, you will be happier.

DEAR ABBY: I have dear friends and neighbors I really enjoy who have asked me to water their plants and feed the cat when they're away, which is not very often. I enjoy doing these things, and so I always feel awkward when they bring home gifts of jewelry or give me money. I would prefer that they let me do these things for love and friendship, but I don't know how to make them stop giving me things.

Is there something polite I can say to let them know that they should just let me be their friend? I would prefer that to feeling as though I'm being paid for my services. -- FOR LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP

DEAR FOR LOVE: Has it occurred to you that your neighbors bring things back for you because they enjoy giving as much as you enjoy doing things for them? If it hasn't, please consider it.

And afterward, if you still feel that their gifts are too much of a quid pro quo, explain that you like them very much and value their friendship, and they don't need to give you anything in return for the affection you feel for them. I don't think couching the message in those terms would be rude at all.

DEAR ABBY: Why do people stay in bad marriages? It causes emotional harm to the children (if they have kids), hearing their parents argue and name-call all the time. Wouldn't it be better to separate? -- UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

DEAR UNHEALTHY: Some couples remain in bad marriages because they can't afford to live apart or fear being alone if they divorce. Others have dysfunctional love-hate relationships that, I agree, are unhealthy for everyone, including the children who grow up thinking it is normal. In my opinion, if couples can't live in peace and harmony, they should separate. However, not everyone agrees.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to you about an experience I had that might be useful to girls my age and older. I'm in eighth grade and I'm friends with more boys than girls. Because I'm a tomboy, fitting in with them is easier.

Today in manufacturing class, I was hanging out with my friend "Ian." We were in a larger group of boys and he started bragging about how this girl had sent him a topless photo. He then proceeded to pull up the photo and pass it around.

I was a little shocked, but I realize people my age don't always make smart decisions (sharing a nude photo). Adults around us always tell us not to send photos to people you don't know and never to send inappropriate pictures. That lesson sure hit home with me when Ian showed around the one he has.

I want to caution other girls not to do this. Pictures don't stay as private as you might think. I feel bad for that poor girl! -- SAW TOO MUCH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SAW TOO MUCH: Thanks for a great letter. Nobody likes to be lectured to, and adults already do enough of that. I hope your message will resonate with other young women because it's an important one.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question about etiquette. I recently encountered a counselor I had gone to for many years. We exchanged the normal social amenities, and nothing was said about any therapy issues.

Abby, she holds a special place in my heart. I hadn't seen her in five years. She didn't look well at all. In fact, she looked awful. I was shocked.

Although I was concerned, I said nothing because I didn't know the correct way to handle the situation. What can I say to her to let her know I care? -- APPROACHING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR APPROACHING: Drop your former therapist a note, telling her what a difference she has made in your life and that she will always hold a special place in your heart. Explain that you were concerned when you saw her -- and ask if there is any way you can be helpful, because you would very much like to be. Do not go into detail about how awful she looked, and don't expect her to start a social relationship with you. If she's well enough to practice her profession, doing so might be considered unethical.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's older brother comes over every few weeks to do his laundry. While he's here, he helps himself to my snacks. My husband's younger cousin also comes over every now and then to do his laundry and eat (at our expense or my labor).

We are better off financially than both of them, but I think the way they mooch off us is inconsiderate. My husband says it's normal and that's how family is. But we don't do that in my family, nor do we arrive anywhere empty-handed. Are his family using us, or is this normal? -- TIRED OF IT

DEAR TIRED: It's normal for your husband's family. Make an attempt to schedule these clothes-washing sessions at your convenience, and stash your snacks someplace you know the relatives won't find them.

DEAR ABBY: I play cards with a group of men I have known for more than 20 years. We switch partners after six hands so everyone partners with everyone.

One member of the group has now become unable to remember the rules and constantly asks how he should respond to his partner's bid. He also keeps asking the score and whose deal it is. Because we give small prizes for the high score, I think it's cheating to discuss a hand across the table.

What should we do when he asks the rules or how to bid a hand? I think we should play as we always have, and not discuss the hand or how to bid. Should I find another group to play with, and how can I explain my reason for quitting the group? -- PLAYER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR PLAYER: What a sad dilemma. Before quitting the group, discuss this privately with the other members. Are the small prizes worth the friendship?

Because this man is no longer able to remember how the hands are played, in light of your long friendship, perhaps the group could arrange to do some other activity with him once a week instead of the card game. That way, although he's no longer able to participate in the games as he has before, he won't be completely isolated. In situations like this, relationships and emotional support are very important. I hope you will consider it.

DEAR ABBY: One of my nephews is turning 24 soon. I am reluctant to get him a birthday gift because he's lazy and disrespectful and makes up excuse after excuse for not working. On top of that, he has a 1-year-old daughter and managed to get his family evicted because he felt the mother should do everything -- and I mean everything.

He's on his cellphone all day texting other women or posting Facebook nonsense. The mother of his child finally woke up and left him, so now he has moved in with his mother.

I am trying to understand why I need to give him a birthday gift. He was dropping hints about his birthday during a family dinner the other day. No one said a word. Everyone ignored him, including his mother.

We're pretty sure he won't be living with her long before he's kicked out. We have all tried to help and support him, but we are tired and no longer want to be bothered.

Must I give him a birthday gift? Or should I use the excuse he gives everyone else: "Oh, I ordered your gift online and they must not have shipped it yet." -- TIRED OF THIS MESS

DEAR TIRED: You are not obligated to send your nephew a gift. A card would be nice, however, if you're inclined to take the high road.

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, in a "Farmer's Almanac," I read a saying so profound and succinct, I have never forgotten it. I thought one day I should send it to you. Well, with everything that's been happening in Hollywood and beyond, this is the time.

It goes, "If you don't want anyone to know about it, don't do it!" -- FAITHFUL READER IN CARMEL, N.Y.

DEAR READER: Amen to that!