DEAR ABBY: My sister "Eileen" is married to her second husband, a man I'll call Harry. He's nice, but some of his choices landed him in jail for a while. I'm polite when we see him, but I don't trust him.

Eileen and Harry live beyond their means. They rent a large house and buy luxury cars rather than something more economical. These are my observations; I never mention them to my sister. Although she's happy to give advice on what's wrong with my life, she becomes defensive if anyone else says anything about how she lives.

My concern is, she refuses to visit or spend time with me and my family without her husband. Before our mom's death a few years ago, I offered to buy her an airline ticket to fly here for a few days to visit. Because she's very organized, I recently invited her to come -- at my expense -- and offered to pay her to help me declutter my house. She declined both invitations because I wouldn't buy a ticket for Harry. (I didn't have the money.)

I think my sister's marriage is very co-dependent. Abby, what should I do? -- WANTS SOME SISTER TIME

DEAR WANTS SOME SISTER TIME: While Harry may have made some poor choices in the past -- for which he has paid the penalty -- he seems to make your sister happy. Assuming that you have told her you love and miss her and would like to be able to spend "sister time" with her, I think it's time to accept that they are a package deal and stop trying to separate them.

Because you crave sister time, offer to go there and visit her. She seems to be happily living the life she has chosen, so stop putting negative labels on her relationship with her husband.

DEAR ABBY: I never thought I'd be writing you, but I have a situation that needs an objective opinion.

My husband works for a small company owned by a nice couple. They have a teenage daughter who keeps asking to baby-sit our three kids. Abby, we have a special needs child and a new baby. Although the girl seems to be kind and responsible, our children would be a challenge for an adult, let alone a teenager.

Also, we are on a very tight, one-income budget with money needed for therapies. I don't want to mention it because I don't want to insinuate they aren't paying my husband enough, but it is a serious deterrent.

How can I gracefully decline her offers without offending my husband's employer? Keeping him in good standing with his company is my primary concern because he works hard and loves his job. -- ANONYMOUS IN THE USA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Explain your refusal as an abridged version of what you wrote to me. Thank the girl for her kind offer and tell her that because your older child has special needs and the baby requires constant supervision, you prefer not to have anyone baby-sit until they are older. The explanation is reasonable, logical and the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman who was honorably discharged from the military recently and am now in an electrical construction apprenticeship. I'm starting a great career in a field I love that can give me a comfortable living without having to rely on a second job.

My problem is my family. Most of them are convinced that I hate men or I wish I was one. The rest are sure that I will emasculate anyone I would start dating.

I'm not a lesbian, and I like being female. I have no problem with anyone who follows different life paths than mine. My family is basing these opinions purely on what I have chosen to do for work. In their opinion, because I chose to work in what is considered nontraditional employment for "nice young ladies," as they put it, and can work on my house and car without extra assistance, it must be true.

I have tried repeatedly to explain that what I have chosen for a living has no bearing on my gender identity or my sexual orientation. They are completely ignoring anything I have to say about my life and life choices. Sometimes I wonder how I'm even related to these people. If I were asked to deploy back to the war zone, I'd happily leave tomorrow, because it would be easier than dealing with the small-minded, narrow viewpoints I'm encountering here at home. -- HOW CAN I MAKE THEM LISTEN?

DEAR HOW: It is beyond sad that you would find returning to a war zone more appealing than dealing with the pressure you're receiving because of your career choice. But please try not to blame your family for their outdated thinking. Many people are unaware that women are now being trained -- and succeeding in -- high-paying jobs once held only by men.

Because your relatives refuse to believe that you're heterosexual, stop wasting your time trying to convince them otherwise. Live your life in an authentic way, and if you meet a nice man and decide to settle down with him, eventually they'll realize they were mistaken.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 40s and live in New York City. I was taught to hold doors open for women and to allow women to exit the elevator first. Problem is, in our lobby there are two separate glass doors that must be opened to walk outside the building. If I let a woman neighbor leave the elevator first, she will then have to open and hold both doors for me. But I always feel awkward if I don't allow them out first, and I sometimes worry they think I'm rude for walking ahead. Sometimes I even want to explain my actions. I just figure holding and opening two heavy glass doors is more polite than allowing someone to exit the elevator first. What's the proper protocol in a situation like this? -- A GENTLEMAN IN NEW YORK

DEAR NEW YORK GENTLEMAN: While it is polite for a man to hold a door open for a woman, it would also be considered good manners if she returns the favor if she's the first to reach the lobby door. As to the rule of etiquette for elevators, the person at the front of the elevator should exit first, if the elevator is crowded.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s, and my 18-year-old sister, "Judy," is attending community college. All my memories of her consist of her putting me down. We reconciled just as I was moving out.

Abby, she is extremely dependent on the family. She cannot do for herself. If I refuse to help her, I am told by my family that I'm selfish or a "b----." They have a running joke that she's going to live with me and be dependent on me when our parents die. I have heard that Judy is actually OK with it and looks forward to the day I can support her.

I have tried pointing out that it's neither healthy nor realistic, and her issues aren't my fault, but again, I am put down. They say we're family and it's my job to take care of her. But when did family become a job? -- OVERWHELMED SISTER

DEAR OVERWHELMED SISTER: Rather than listen to hearsay, ask your sister directly if she expects you to support her in years to come, because it may not be true. However, if it is, she needs to hear firsthand that it's not going to happen.

If your parents truly believe that your sister will not become self-sufficient, point out to them that they had better start putting money into a trust for her, if they haven't already, and name a trustee other than you. Being her caretaker is not your job, and you should not allow yourself to be bullied, shamed or ridiculed into agreeing to it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance always sets his alarm for between 5 and 6 a.m. for work or school. His clock has two alarms, which he sets 10 minutes apart. If he doesn't get out of bed on the second alarm, he either hits "snooze" or turns it off and goes back to sleep.

On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I wake up at 5 a.m., so I make sure he's awake before I leave at 5:30. However, on Tuesdays and Thursdays -- or any day that I don't get up to wake him -- he's late for work or school.

I have tried telling him that I won't wake him up and he needs to be responsible for himself because I don't want to get up every morning at 5. This hasn't worked. Help! -- MORNING MARY IN MOSCOW, IDAHO

DEAR MARY: I'll try, but you may not like what I have to say. Much as you want to help your fiance, what you have done is enable him to "mom-ify" you. Until he suffers the consequences for his chronic tardiness, nothing will change, and he will continue to place the burden of dragging him out of bed squarely on your shoulders.