DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s, and my 18-year-old sister, "Judy," is attending community college. All my memories of her consist of her putting me down. We reconciled just as I was moving out.

Abby, she is extremely dependent on the family. She cannot do for herself. If I refuse to help her, I am told by my family that I'm selfish or a "b----." They have a running joke that she's going to live with me and be dependent on me when our parents die. I have heard that Judy is actually OK with it and looks forward to the day I can support her.

I have tried pointing out that it's neither healthy nor realistic, and her issues aren't my fault, but again, I am put down. They say we're family and it's my job to take care of her. But when did family become a job? -- OVERWHELMED SISTER

DEAR OVERWHELMED SISTER: Rather than listen to hearsay, ask your sister directly if she expects you to support her in years to come, because it may not be true. However, if it is, she needs to hear firsthand that it's not going to happen.

If your parents truly believe that your sister will not become self-sufficient, point out to them that they had better start putting money into a trust for her, if they haven't already, and name a trustee other than you. Being her caretaker is not your job, and you should not allow yourself to be bullied, shamed or ridiculed into agreeing to it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance always sets his alarm for between 5 and 6 a.m. for work or school. His clock has two alarms, which he sets 10 minutes apart. If he doesn't get out of bed on the second alarm, he either hits "snooze" or turns it off and goes back to sleep.

On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I wake up at 5 a.m., so I make sure he's awake before I leave at 5:30. However, on Tuesdays and Thursdays -- or any day that I don't get up to wake him -- he's late for work or school.

I have tried telling him that I won't wake him up and he needs to be responsible for himself because I don't want to get up every morning at 5. This hasn't worked. Help! -- MORNING MARY IN MOSCOW, IDAHO

DEAR MARY: I'll try, but you may not like what I have to say. Much as you want to help your fiance, what you have done is enable him to "mom-ify" you. Until he suffers the consequences for his chronic tardiness, nothing will change, and he will continue to place the burden of dragging him out of bed squarely on your shoulders.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, daughter and I all have birthdays in the same month. My mother-in-law always sends gifts for me and my daughter, but never to my husband, her son. He tries to shrug it off, but I know it bothers him.

In earlier years, I thought it was an oversight. I have tried gentle reminders and hints, but again this year there was no gift for her son. It would be different if she sent one only to our daughter, but sending one to me and not to her son is a slap in the face. They have a fairly good relationship, and my husband is kind and generous to his parents.

I haven't opened the gift she sent me this year, and I do not intend to. Should I return it to her with a note explaining why, or donate it and forget about it until it happens next year? -- PERPLEXED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your mother-in-law's behavior strikes me as passive aggressive. That it makes you uncomfortable is understandable. Perhaps you and your husband should ask her directly why she does this and let her explain. Then, after you have heard her out, you can tell her that what she's doing makes you uncomfortable, and you would prefer she not send you any more birthday gifts if she intends to ignore her son.

DEAR ABBY: I hate the fact that since I have started high school, I'm restricted by the rules that guys and girls can't be friends unless they're dating. It has been worse since I got into my relationship of 2 1/2 years. I'll be 19 soon, and I have always had guy friends. I find them easier than girls.

My mother says that when you're in a relationship, it is disrespectful to have friends who are guys. My boyfriend and I fight all the time over this issue, and I have had to cut off some of my guy friends because of it. I hate not having anyone to talk to or hang out with except my boyfriend. It has left me with bad blood between me and my old friends. Is this a rule that I didn't know about? I just don't get it, but I know I need help. -- TEEN IN DELAWARE

DEAR TEEN: What your mother may have meant when she said it is disrespectful to have male friends when you are in a relationship is that many men find it threatening. You are young, and at your age it is appropriate that you should be socializing with more than one person. Your mistake was in getting into an exclusive relationship with someone who tells you who you can and cannot be friends with. Break it off, and you may be sad for a while, but you will also be free to grow.

DEAR ABBY: When a large-breasted woman is standing and saluting for the national anthem at sporting events, where should the right hand be placed? Above her breast, under her breast or on her breast? -- JUST WONDERING IN FLORIDA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: It depends upon whom the right hand belongs to. If it's someone else's hand, it should be kept to oneself. If it's the large-breasted woman's hand, it should be placed on her chest toward the top of her left breast.

DEAR ABBY: I am single and the mother of a 7-year-old girl. When she was 4, I decided there would be no parade of guys coming in and out of my life, or any at all. I have barely dated, and the few times I have gone out, I never talked about it around her.

Over the last two or three years, she has come home every few weeks or months with a new boy she likes. I never say much except that she's not allowed to have a boyfriend. She recently swore her grandfather to secrecy and told him she had a boyfriend.

Is this normal? Should I be concerned that she likes a new boy every few weeks, or that she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend even though I don't punish her for being honest? I'm concerned about her being interested in boys at too young an age. -- POSSIBLY PRUDE MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Having a "boyfriend" at the age of 7 means something different than it does to a teenager or an adult. When your daughter tried to confide in you that she liked someone, you cut her off by telling her it "wasn't allowed." If you had let her confide in you, she wouldn't have found the need to do it with her grandfather. I suggest you open up the lines of communication now, before it's too late.

DEAR ABBY: Taking care of a loved one who has Alzheimer's is difficult. My boyfriend came up with a brilliant idea to help me maintain my own space (the basement in the family home) and still keep track of my mom upstairs. A baby monitor! I could hear everything going on upstairs, at night especially, and it made a challenging time much easier.

Both of my parents had Alzheimer's disease, and I wish I had known about the monitor when Dad was still alive. I hope this will help others to be more effective caregivers without compromising their own lives. -- MISSING MOM AND DAD IN MONTANA

DEAR MISSING: So do I, because placing a baby monitor in the room of a sick person of any age is a good idea in case the person needs assistance. I have heard of this being done not only with Alzheimer's patients but also with people in hospice programs whose caregivers can't be with them every minute. Thank you for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I need suggestions on what to do to get a close family member to go out to lunch with me. I have offered to pay for lunch, let him pick the restaurant and do the driving. ("Nope. Can't go. Got to check with my wife. No.")

I am in my late 80s, and he's in his late 70s. Someday it will be too late. What do you suggest? -- LOOKING TO LUNCH IN THE EAST

DEAR LOOKING TO LUNCH: Try this. Invite his wife to come to lunch with the two of you. However, if that doesn't work, forget about trying to get him to go because he may be less eager to see you than you are to see him.