life

Plans to Attend Bachelor Party Cause Man's Girlfriend Angst

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years will be attending a bachelor party in Las Vegas. We've never had any issues of infidelity, yet I can't help but feel anxious about his upcoming trip. I know the scene that exists in Vegas -- I'm in my mid-20s and I enjoyed my trips there when I was younger and single.

I'm worried about him and his friends going to strip clubs, topless pool parties, etc. I don't mind him enjoying a trip and going out with the boys, but I think attending an event with nudity is disrespectful to the other person when you're in a long-term, serious relationship. I don't want him to feel he has to tell his friends he can't go to those things. What are your thoughts on this? -- WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS ...

DEAR WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS: You and your boyfriend are both adults. Viewing topless entertainment or attending a topless pool party is not infidelity. If he hasn't given you any reason to worry so far, give him the benefit of the doubt.

P.S. By the way, I have heard that some bachelorette parties can be equally wild. Do you plan to swear off them yourself?

Holidays & CelebrationsSex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Facebook Becomes a Battleground for Couple Who Love It and Hate It

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife hates Facebook. She has always hated it and never signed up. I have had an account since the site began and maintain many connections with friends, family members who live far away, old teachers -- even my in-laws. I don't discuss it with my wife much because it makes her angry.

I'm not constantly on it, and it's not like I'm doing anything bad. But if she hears from a friend about a funny or insightful comment I made on Facebook, we end up getting into a huge argument because she insists I have to delete my account. The argument always ends with her saying, "You will delete it because I hate it!"

I don't want to delete my Facebook page, and I hate arguing with my wife. What should I do? -- "LIKES" FACEBOOK IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR "LIKES" FACEBOOK: Try to get to the bottom of why she finds your staying in touch with these people threatening, because it appears you married someone who is very controlling. She is your spouse, not your jailer. If you want to participate in social media, continue to do so.

Although you didn't mention it, I can't help but wonder if her jealousy and possessiveness have affected other areas of your life. If that's the case, talk about it with a licensed marriage and family therapist before it drives the two of you apart. If she won't go with you, go alone.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Doctor Who's Generous With Free Advice Expects the Same in Return

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a doctor. I give free medical advice to my cousin and her mother several times a month, and have for quite some time now. I do it free of charge because we are family and there's a close bond between us.

My cousin works in marketing, so I asked her if she could help me design my presentation card. She replied that she would give me three designs to choose from, and it would cost roughly $100. I feel it's wrong for her to charge me for her service since I've never charged her. -- FREE OF CHARGE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FREE OF CHARGE: It's possible your cousin was asking to be reimbursed for the cost of the materials involved in creating the cards for you. Before you allow yourself to get into a snit, perhaps you should clarify exactly what you would be paying for.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Afternoon Delight Ends When Wife Stops to Take a Call

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for many years, work long schedules, and actually sleep when we go to bed at night. Saturday afternoon, we had "nothin' to do," so I suggested some hanky-panky. We were just getting into it when the phone rang.

I told her to let it go to voicemail, but when our married daughter's name was caller-ID-announced, she said she had to take the call because they had been playing phone tag all day. There was no important matter, just idle chit-chat. What a mood killer!

Am I wrong to be angry that my needs were ignored so my wife could say, "Hello, how are you?" to our daughter (who calls eight times a day anyway)? -- THWARTED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR THWARTED: Wrong? I don't think so. I think it's time to calmly ask your wife why she prioritized taking that call over the opportunity to be intimate with you.

P.S. The next time you're in "H-P" mode, put both of your phones on "do not disturb."

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender
life

After Wife Loses a Lung to Cancer, Man Still Won't Quit Smoking

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was diagnosed with lung cancer last year. After months of chemo, I had surgery and my lung was removed. Fifteen months after my diagnosis, my husband is still smoking cigarettes.

I feel so hurt and alone going through this. I thought he would have stopped smoking for his own health as well as moral support to me. He says I don't have the right to change him and quitting is too hard, even though he refuses to get help to stop.

Am I being overly sensitive to think he should stop smoking? I don't think he is being fair to our children because of the potential of them having to watch another parent receive the same diagnosis. -- NEEDS MORAL SUPPORT

DEAR NEEDS: You are not "overly sensitive." People have been known to get cancer from secondhand smoke. Face it, you are married to an addict. Not only is he being unfair to the children, he is being unfair to you and himself. Because he's unwilling to even try to quit, my advice is to insist that he do it outside and away from you.

Marriage & DivorceHealth & SafetyFamily & ParentingAddiction
life

Friend's Dad and Family Dog Team Up to Destroy Girl's Glasses

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A few days ago, my daughter had a sleepover at a friend's house, and the girl's dad broke my daughter's eyeglasses by accidentally stepping on them. He said he would pay for them. In the meantime, I glued them together.

Fast forward to two days later, and our dog finished the job and broke the side that was still OK. Is the dad still responsible for paying or is he not, since my dog used the glasses as his chew toy? -- BLIND AS BATS IN FLORIDA

DEAR BLIND AS BATS: The man who stepped on your daughter's glasses should pay to replace them as promised, and in the future, when those glasses are not on your daughter's nose, they should be safely stored in their case and in a secure location!

Family & ParentingMoneyEtiquette & Ethics
life

New Marine's Mom Wonders How Often She Should Write

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 16th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My son and I are very close. He joined the Marine Corps (a decision I fully support) and shipped out recently.

I had read on a Marine family site that frequent letters from home are encouraged, so I had letters written even before I got his mailing address. I sent off three letters the day I got his address and another one three days later.

They always start off with a supportive declaration ("I'm proud of you. You can do this.") before moving on to what I hope are amusing anecdotes about what's going on at home. I avoid topics that would make him homesick. I sign the letter with the initials of my son's nickname for me.

Last night, another family member told me I'm writing too often (that person has written one letter so far, and plans to wait at least a week before sending another). That family member said that the drill instructors and other recruits will notice and label my son a "mama's boy."

This has caused me significant distress. Please tell me which is right: the website that recommends frequent letters, or my family member who advocates cutting back drastically? -- MOM OF A MARINE

DEAR MOM: Unless the family member is speaking from firsthand experience, trust the military family website. However, because you are concerned, ask your son how he feels about the fact that you write so often, and ask him to be honest.

Family & Parenting
life

How to Know Donations Made in Response to Tragedy Reach People in Need

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 16th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: In view of all the recent tragic events that have happened, you would do a great service to remind everyone to be careful when donating. A lot of the money that was donated for 9/11 and other tragedies never got to the victims.

Unfortunately, when tragedies occur, scammers view them as an opportunity to line their pockets. I'm not sure how to make sure the money gets to the right people, so I haven't donated at all. Can you help with some information on this? -- DIANA IN TEXAS

DEAR DIANA: Some appeals are, indeed, scams. That's why it's important for kindhearted people to be able to tell the difference. A way to verify that a charity is legit would be to visit charitynavigator.org. It will tell you what percentage of the money you donate will go toward overhead, and how much actually reaches those who need it.

Charity Navigator also publishes "donor advisories" -- typically within a week of the event -- to ensure that those searching the site for an organization can see if it isn't a legitimate nonprofit entity.

Money

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