life

Different Approaches to Religion Are Likely to Drive Couple Apart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 17th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: For the first time in my life, I am in love. We met about a month ago. I know he's the man I have waited my entire life to meet. I am 33, so I know what I feel isn't just lust. We have one huge hurdle, though: religion. He's actively religious, while I am not, and he doesn't believe our relationship can survive this difference.

On every other level, we are wonderful. We want the same things in life and share similar values. Our difference isn't that I don't believe in God. I do. But that isn't enough for him.

I told him I would go to church with him, and raise our children (his and mine) in a Christian home, but when they are old enough we should allow them to make their own decisions. He says that would be "just going through the motions" and I'd eventually resent him for it.

Must I let him walk away? Or should I fight for what could be (next to my kids) the best thing that's ever happened to me? -- HEARTBROKEN IN TEXAS

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: In what way do you plan to "fight"? Do you plan to convert to his religion and devote the kind of time to it that he does? Think carefully about what that would mean.

While his fervent religiosity is laudable, what this man doesn't realize is that regardless of the example he wants to set for his children, eventually they are going to make up their own minds and live their lives the way they wish.

This "one difference" is a deal-breaker. He is looking for a spiritual clone. You're not it, so let him go.

Love & Dating
life

Caller ID Changes the Way Workplace Phone Calls Are Made

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 17th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: The company I work for recently switched to digital phones that show the caller's name and location on a screen no matter where they are in the building. Years ago, I formed the habit of introducing myself when placing a call: "Hi, this is Sally from marketing. How are you, Trent? Great! I'm calling because ..." I have been informed that what I'm doing is old-fashioned, unnecessary and a waste of everyone's time.

The preferred method would be to launch into the heart of the conversation with no introduction, just "Hi. I need instructions for the new projectors," because the person already knows who is calling. To me, this feels rude, especially when talking with someone I see rarely.

I can't help but wonder what the long-term office climate will be like if everyone is so terse. On the other hand, many of my younger co-workers would prefer not to talk at all and conduct business by email or text. Any conversation feels excessive to them, and they are humoring me by answering the phone.

Where is the middle ground here? How can I maintain what feels like basic good manners and human interaction without annoying my colleagues? -- POLITE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR POLITE: There are certain niceties that make interactions with others more pleasant. While you may no longer have to announce that you are "Sally from marketing," it is polite to inquire how the person is doing or how the day is going. It's a pleasant conversation-starter and a transition into the business you will conduct. Because you are getting flak for it, go to your employer or H.R. for guidance in navigating the new system.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

In-Laws Could Pose a Threat to Couple's Reconciliation

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 16th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 15 years and love my wife very much, but we drifted apart. Then I went and did something really stupid and had an affair. It lasted only a few weeks, and I regret it. My now-ex-wife and I are still working on our relationship. Yes, it was the wrong thing to do, but because of the affair, we have grown closer than we have ever been.

My problem is her parents. She's worried how they will react. They dislike me intensely now and would run me over with their car if they got the chance. They have also trash-talked me to our children. (My parents have never said anything bad about her and never would.)

It has been a year, and her parents don't know we are working on staying together. They keep trying to set her up on dates. I feel like I'm a secret. Help! -- WORKING IT OUT IN IOWA

DEAR WORKING IT OUT: I'm sorry you didn't explain more about how you and your ex are trying to work things out. From where I sit, her parents are not the problem. The problem is her reluctance to talk to them like the adult she is and tell them your -- and her -- intention to reconcile. It's natural that they are angry with you for cheating on their daughter and are trying to introduce her to eligible men now she's divorced. The two of you should enlist the help of a licensed marriage and family counselor, not only to help you reconcile, but also to repair the breach with her family.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Slow Start in Life Leads to Feelings of Jealousy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 16th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been struggling with jealousy and envy for the past few years. My friends and family members my age are moving forward with their lives. I'm having trouble landing a full-time job, so I still live at home with my parents. I feel like I'm still in high school, where I must answer questions about where I'm going and whom I'm going out with.

I love my parents and I'm thankful for them, but at times I feel that because I'm living under their roof, I am no longer growing as a person. I tell my friends and family my issues when they ask me what's wrong, and they always respond that I do have a purpose in life and that God has a path for me. Can you help me find new ways to cope? -- HOW DO I COPE?

DEAR HOW: One way to cope would be to start asking friends and family members why they think you are having such a hard time finding full-time employment. They may be able to offer some helpful suggestions.

Another would be to contact employment agencies and ask what may be missing from your resume and whether they can help you. (It may be time to start looking into fields other than the ones in which you have been working.)

I agree that at 26, it may be time to establish some independence by either finding a roommate to share expenses or renting a room in a home other than your parents'.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting
life

Hands-on Approach to Other Women Disturbs Man's Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 15th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband cannot be around a female without putting his hands on her shoulder or back. He "has" to touch. I'm not jealous, but embarrassed when I see women cringe and the expression on their faces sometimes. I keep hoping one of them will confront him about it. It's getting worse the older he gets, especially with younger women.

Do not suggest talking to him. He is never wrong and becomes livid when confronted. He reads your column, so please, Abby, give me some advice. -- TIRED OF BEING EMBARRASSED

DEAR TIRED: I assume your husband does this only with unaccompanied young females, because if he did it with women who had an escort, their date or their husband would straighten him out. Because you can see the women are uncomfortable, talk privately with them and suggest they speak up and tell him not to do it again.

Etiquette & EthicsMarriage & Divorce
life

Son Sides With Belligerent New Wife in Family Blowups

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 15th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My divorced son remarried a short time ago. His new wife seems to have no boundaries and no filters. If anything comes up that displeases her, she becomes verbally aggressive and in your face. (She has been fired numerous times because of it.) I have been on the receiving end several times, publicly. My son looks the other way, and if pressed, he supports her.

How can I maintain a relationship with my son, whom I love, and not expose myself to this woman's abuse? (He no longer receives invitations to the family dinners his sister hosts, and my son's adult children actively avoid her.) -- BATTERED MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR BATTERED: You do not have to tolerate being verbally abused. Because your son's wife "has no filters," try to see him separately -- perhaps for lunch dates -- if possible. If he is so much under her control that he refuses, you may have to accept that she has managed to isolate him from family.

Tell him you love him, and your heart and your home are always open to him. Then point out that you are not the only family member who feels this way, but for the sake of your mental health, you can no longer tolerate her abuse.

AbuseFamily & Parenting
life

Age Is a Touchy Subject

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 15th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: During a recent cross-country tour of Italy, I was asked my age by five different people in the group. My being polite -- and evasive -- didn't deter them. Please inform your readers that some people find it offensive to be asked that question. -- AGELESS IN ARKANSAS

DEAR AGELESS: I agree that not everyone wants to discuss their age. Perhaps the questioners didn't realize they were being rude. However, if you indicated that you didn't want to answer and your fellow travelers persisted, you would have had every right to end the conversation by saying, "I don't discuss my age. Period!"

Etiquette & Ethics

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