DEAR ABBY: I moved to the Philippines five years ago. While I was there I met "Emma." After a few months, I realized I was in love with her, and last year we became engaged. I took her to meet my family. They loved her and supported our engagement.

I'm now living in the States and she's still in the Philippines waiting for her visa. Emma is transgender and I don't know how to tell my family. I love her and know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but my dad is homophobic, and I know he won't support my decision to marry a transgender woman. My mother will also be disappointed because we won't be able to have children together. I need your advice. What should I do? -- FORBIDDEN LOVE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FORBIDDEN LOVE: You say that when you introduced Emma to your family they liked and accepted her. Because you did not tell them then that your fiancee was transgender, expect them to be surprised. That news will bring your father face to face with his homophobia. As to your mother, even if Emma were not transgender, there's no guarantee that Emma would be able to bear children. In cases of infertility, couples sometimes decide to adopt or employ the help of a surrogate and an egg donor.

As a mature adult, the decision about whom you marry should be yours. Your parents' disapproval should have nothing to do with it. If and when you do give them the news, be prepared for a negative reaction. However, I see no reason why you feel you must tell them since they didn't question her gender before.

DEAR ABBY: Under what circumstances do you ask your adult offspring (still living at home, working, doing their own laundry, somewhat feeding themselves) to contribute money toward household expenses? -- JUST WONDERING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: At what point? I recommend you do it tonight!

DEAR ABBY: Under what circumstances do you ask your adult offspring (still living at home, working, doing their own laundry, somewhat feeding themselves) to contribute money toward household expenses? -- JUST WONDERING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: At what point? I recommend you do it tonight!

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "Dumbstruck in the East" (April 22), whose 9-year-old daughter has been getting "proposals of marriage" from a church usher in his 70s. An old man at church said things like that to me when I was about her age. He also was always trying to hug me. It made me uncomfortable and I disliked it. My mother never thought twice about him hugging me. Years later, when I was an adult, I learned he was a pedophile.

Her parents should go directly to the minister and let him know what is going on. If the parents decide to tell the usher his comment is not appreciated, they should say it's uncalled for and please stop making that type of remark. While his comment may be harmless, you never know for sure. -- ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CAUTION: Readers had various reactions to that letter. Some echoed your sentiments, while others felt differently. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am from the same generation as the church usher. I was the little sister who was not as attractive as my older sibling. (Boys either teased or ignored me.) I remember several elderly men complimenting me in a similar fashion, and although I realized I could never date or marry someone so much older, it lifted my self-esteem.

I believe the usher was just being kind. It would be horrible if he were reported to the pastor or embarrassed by a flip remark. If the parents want to stop his comments, they should gently suggest that "in today's world his kindness might be misinterpreted." I don't think we should teach children to be mean-spirited when this man spoke freely in front of the parents. -- JOAN IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ABBY: I had a different reply in mind for "Dumbstruck," whose young daughter is told by an elderly church usher that he is going to "marry" her when she grows up. Her mom could look at him and say, "I didn't realize you were ordained, but how kind of you to offer to officiate!" -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: That man needs to be reported immediately. When I was 8, a friend of my dad used to tell me all the time he wanted to marry me. One day, when my parents weren't home, he molested me. That little girl should be kept away from the usher, even if it means not going to that church. -- LYNNE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Next time the greeter tries the betrothal approach on the 9-year-old, her dad should chime in, "You'll have to get past me first!" It's blunt, but it gets the message across and doesn't insult the old guy. It's just Daddy protecting his baby girl. Done! -- PRACTICAL IN MARYLAND

DEAR ABBY: I'm not a dog person. I'm not even an animal person. I am, however, surrounded by dog owners -- my family, my husband's family, my neighbors. Back in middle school, I was bitten several times by dogs while delivering my paper route.

My husband has been without a dog for five years (since the beginning of our relationship). Over the last six months, he has begun to ask when he can get "us" a dog. I absolutely do not want one. They're not clean, they make "messes," and we will constantly have to find someone to care for it when we travel. I have told him this, yet he continues asking. We can't even agree on a hypothetical breed of dog.

I suppose I could say, "Go ahead," with the condition that my husband will have to shoulder all pet-related responsibilities. But we both know how well that will work out. What do you think? -- WARY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WARY: There's a saying, "Once bitten, twice shy." Because you have been bitten more than once, your reason for not wanting a dog seems logical. Frankly, I think it would be unfair to the animal to bring it into a household in which it wasn't unanimously welcomed. And if you think your husband would lay the responsibility for caring for the dog on you, you should not agree.

DEAR ABBY: My 62-year-old father has recently started to streak his hair with fluorescent colors. He does it when he goes to his job and coordinates his hair color with his outfits. As far as I know, his employer has not said anything as of yet.

Also, Dad has difficulty with social cues. My mother and I aren't happy with his "fashion" choices and we plead with him to stop doing this. It's embarrassing because it looks stupid and ridiculous. He claims he doesn't care what others think and that he has flair.

Are my mother and I wrong to criticize his "flair"? Isn't this behavior really inappropriate for a man his age? How can we convince him that he's making a fool of himself and should stop? Your help is appreciated. -- NO FOOL LIKE AN OLD FOOL

DEAR N.F.L.A.O.F.: Repeat after me: We cannot change other people; we can only change the way we react to them. Understand that how your father presents himself reflects only on him -- not you. Because you and your mother have tried reasoning with him and he refuses to listen, you all might be happier if you stop making his fashion choices your problem.

DEAR ABBY: My wife seems to only want to have sex with me when I'm supposed to be at work. It's really flattering, but I am at risk of losing my job. We don't have enough savings to last more than a couple of months if I'm out of work. She wanted me to call in sick today, but I didn't know how to say no without offending her. Help! -- JOHN IN CANADA

DEAR JOHN: Try this. Ask your wife, "Which is more important to you -- me in your bed or food on the table and a roof over our heads? I'll be home by 6 o'clock. Be ready!"