DEAR ABBY: I have been married five years and have two children under 3. I grew up in a large Italian-American family; my husband did not. He doesn't understand the closeness I have with my family. To him, "family" is just the four of us.

He doesn't comprehend the need for my family to get together all the time and feels that during holidays it should only be us. When they are just trying to help us out, he thinks my family is overbearing.

My husband travels a lot for work and gets upset if my family shows up to help out while he's away. Any time the topic of family comes up, we have an argument. He doesn't believe in divorce and refuses to go to counseling. It is causing a strain in our marriage, and I don't know what to do. Please help. -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A FAMILY

DEAR BETWEEN: You obviously married someone with very different values than your own. Your husband's attitude seems unusually controlling. That he would object if your family comes around in his absence is troubling, because it appears he is deliberately trying to isolate you.

That he refuses to get counseling doesn't mean you shouldn't avail yourself of it. It may help you to arrive at a compromise that will satisfy both of you. However, if it doesn't, you may have some important decisions to make about your future, and counseling can help you do that with a clear head. Then, whether or not your husband believes in divorce will be less important than what you think.

DEAR ABBY: I have been taking tap dance lessons for the last five years. It's a class of adults with a broad range of age and experience, which is part of what makes it so much fun. We put on a couple of shows and recitals a year.

I have an issue with a fellow student, and it bothers me to the point that I'm thinking of dropping out. "Marguerite" is a ham. She adds lots of extra flourishes, head snaps, jumps and kicks that aren't in the choreography. She mugs shamelessly for the crowd, and it comes across as more burlesque than tap.

We have spoken to our instructor twice about it, but Marguerite is worse than ever. I hate to quit an activity I love, but I'm embarrassed by Marguerite. It's disheartening to dance the routine as we've been taught, only to be upstaged by this woman's antics. I don't fault her for her stage presence. I do have trouble with her over-the-top hamminess. I just wanted to dance, not compete for the limelight. Am I being petty? -- BROADWAY BABY IN TEXAS

DEAR BROADWAY BABY: I don't think you're being petty. And if others in the class agree with you, get them together and talk to your instructor about it again. Nobody likes being upstaged, and if Marguerite can't be convinced to conform her style to the rest of the troupe, then perhaps you all might be happier if she danced a solo.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 14, starting my freshman year in high school and, of course, will be joining lots of clubs to prepare for college.

My best friend is gay, and when I asked her if she wanted to join any clubs together, she suggested the Gay-Straight Alliance club. As a saved Christian, I am unsure how to answer.

I believe Christians should treat homosexuals with kindness and respect. I believe also in same-sex marriage because of the legal protection it gives a couple. I respect my friend's decision, and I'm happy she's happy with her life. My family doesn't know how to respond either, though they have similar beliefs.

I am afraid if my church found out, they would dislike me for joining, as well as question where I really stand as a Christian. I feel conflicted about how to address both sides of my beliefs. Can you help? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CAUGHT: I, too, believe that Christians (and people of all faiths) should treat each other with kindness and respect, regardless of their sexual orientation. But somewhere you got the impression that sexual orientation is a choice. It isn't. Your friend's orientation was determined before she was born, just as yours was.

Wanting to support your friend by joining a Gay-Straight Alliance is a commendable thing to do, and it follows the Golden Rule. I can't see how a church that preaches love would object to that.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old college graduate who has been unable to find a full-time teaching job, so I'm working as a teaching assistant. My salary is less than average, and between rent, bills and student loans, I am stretched more than thin.

Recently, a woman has been talking to me about nannying for her child after school. She'd like to hire me and have me meet her child in person, and we agreed on an hourly rate. I was excited about the opportunity and looking forward to starting.

This week she told me she wants to report my work for her on her taxes, which means I'll have to report as a freelancer and pay estimated quarterly taxes while I work for her. Abby, this is unheard of in the baby-sitting world! I have been baby-sitting from my preteens all the way through college, and never once have taxes ever been part of the conversation.

My mother says I shouldn't be upset because the woman is doing what she's supposed to as far as the IRS is concerned, but I feel shortchanged. Shouldn't she have been upfront about her intentions when we discussed my hourly rate? Am I wrong for asking her for more money per hour to make up for some of the taxes? -- AFTER-SCHOOL NANNY

DEAR NANNY: William R. Turner, CPA, says your mother is correct. Your prospective employer is obeying the law. She wants you to meet her child, negotiate an hourly rate and hire you as a nanny, not as a baby sitter. Your new employer should have you fill out a form W-4 and pay you as an employee. Because payroll deductions will be taken out of your gross pay by your new employer, you should negotiate your hourly rate accordingly.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in two relationships. The first was with a girl a couple of years older than I am. We were together for several years before she cheated on me and dumped me. I was crushed. The next girl was a few years younger. She did the same thing after we were together a year.

What am I doing wrong? Fidelity is important to me, and they both knew it from the start. How can I avoid this in the future?

I have never been a controlling person. I was always fine with my girlfriends going out with their friends without me if I couldn't go for some reason. (That's how they ended up meeting the other guys.)

The people in lasting relationships I've seen watch each other like hawks, and never allow their significant other to be in the company of the opposite sex without them. Is this normal? Should I be like them? That seems controlling, but clearly, my "no boundaries" relationship style has backfired on me. -- CHEATED ON IN NEW YORK CITY

DEAR CHEATED ON: Few things can ruin a relationship or a marriage like obsessive jealousy can. Watching one's partner "like a hawk" is stifling. It will eventually drive the person away, as you will see as you continue to observe the couples you have mentioned. Please don't try to change the person you are because you are just fine.

I believe that in relationships there has to be a certain amount of responsibility. If someone is mature enough to be involved romantically, that person should be willing to admit if things aren't working out. Being cheated on is painful, and being dumped is equally so. Not every relationship leads to marriage, but rather than sneak around to avoid a frank conversation, it's better to practice the Golden Rule.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a predicament. My therapist is great, but sometimes I think she shares too much. Last time I went, she was running late. When I finally got into her office, she told me the previous patient was nonverbal and had painted her nails during the session. Later in the session, she confided that years ago she had been date raped.

Abby, I am in counseling because my father raped me when I was 15 (I am now 24). Her sharing has me worried because I don't want her telling others what I say or do during counseling. Further, her story of the date rape scared me. She described a situation that is not uncommon for me to be in, and it caused something almost like a flashback in me. I think what she did was insensitive, to say the least.

I have nobody else to ask, so what should I do? I'm getting counseling for free now due to my income, and it took months to get set up with a counselor. Should I report her or accept that this was a mistake and say nothing? If I need to report her, how would I go about doing that? -- CONFLICTED ABOUT IT

DEAR CONFLICTED: You should change therapists because it appears this one has more problems than you do. As to what agency you should report her breach of professional ethics to, contact the state organization that has licensed her to practice.