life

Spouse Can't Fix What's Broken Between Wife and Her Mother

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I met four years ago, have been married for two and I still haven't met her mother. My mother-in-law, a homophobic, self-proclaimed "evangelist prophet," refuses to acknowledge our union.

Her behavior upsets my wife, which angers me to the point that I have no desire to ever cross paths with her. My wife sometimes cries about this wedge in their relationship, which only makes me resent my mother-in-law more. Is there something I should do or say to either of them that might possibly help all of us deal with this turmoil a little better? -- FRUSTRATED LESBIAN-IN-LAW

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If the wedge in your wife's relationship with her evangelist prophet mother is that she is a lesbian and married, there is nothing you can do. Your mother-in-law will either, with time, come to accept it (don't hold your breath), or your wife will learn through counseling that it is not her responsibility to sacrifice her happiness to please her mother. I hope you will encourage your wife to do that.

Family & Parenting
life

Apple Tossed out Car Window Seeds Debate

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been a daily reader of your column since I was a little girl, so your answer to my question will be valued.

I eat an apple every day on my drive home from work, and when I'm done, I toss the core out the window. I try my best to support the Earth, and I believe I am feeding the rabbits and birds with my apple a day. Friends insist that what I'm doing is littering and helping neither the furry friends nor the environment. Can you help solve the debate -- to toss or not to toss? Thanks! -- AN APPLE A DAY

DEAR A.A.A.D.: I, too, love our furry and feathered creatures, but I agree with your friends. What you are doing is littering, regardless of how you're rationalizing it. If you truly want to support the Earth, keep a small container in your vehicle for the apple core and dispose of it when you get home.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Teen Has Second Thoughts About Readiness to Date

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 11th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I just got together with a guy I really like. We have been dating for about a week, but now I realize I'm just not ready to start dating. I'm 15 and I don't feel I'm mature enough. Also, I don't want a boyfriend because I'm moving in a month. Help! I don't know if I should break up with him. What do I do? -- CALIFORNIA TEEN

DEAR CALIFORNIA TEEN: Because you are moving in about a month, I don't think breaking up in the formal sense is necessary. It couldn't hurt to tell him you think you may have gotten serious too quickly, because getting serious after a week of dating is too quickly. I have a hunch that once you have moved, distance will solve your problem for you.

P.S. Now that you realize you're not ready to date, when you have made the move, take a break from romance and concentrate on your studies. You won't be sorry.

TeensLove & Dating
life

Mom Wants Daughter to Focus on School, Not Dad's Tattoos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old son is going to visit his father and get his third tattoo. I don't like it, but I can't control my son. He's an adult. His father is retired and lives on his wife's pension. It is my understanding that they are wealthy.

My concern is for our 14-year-old daughter. My ex thinks tattoos are cool, and when he talks to her via Skype, he talks about the next tattoo he is going to get. I'm afraid that when she's 18, he will take her to get a tattoo as a bonding experience.

His life is far removed from my daughter's. He is surrounded by actors, entertainers and artists. Our child (hopefully) will have a rich, abundant life in an ordinary way. She is focused on her studies and does well in school because of her efforts. How can I impress upon my not-so-confident, shy child that getting a tattoo is not a good idea? -- MARY IN MISSOURI

DEAR MARY: Discouraging your daughter from getting a tattoo should be part of an ongoing conversation. Explain that -- unlike makeup or temporary tats -- the real thing is permanent. Once it's on, there is no going back. It will be there for the rest of her life unless she has it professionally removed. Point out that tattoo removal is not only expensive, but also painful, and her skin will not look the way it did before she got inked -- she will be scarred.

Hopefully, it may make her less susceptible to "bonding" with her father in that way. Ultimately, however, when she's 18 and an adult, she will make her own decision about getting tattooed or remaining ink-free.

TeensMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Helpful Aunt Regrets Four Kids Are Too Much for Her to Handle

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 10th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My brother and sister-in-law have four children, ages 11, 10, 4 and 3. They are financially strapped and can't afford to take the children to entertainment or cultural events because every dime is spent for essentials.

I'm financially stable and childless. I take the older children to various activities once every month or so. I don't include the younger ones because they are unruly. I feel somewhat guilty for not including them. However, I want to continue doing it for the older children so they'll be exposed to various events they couldn't see otherwise.

Am I wrong for not wanting to be responsible for the younger children, or should I stop taking any of them out to be fair? -- TRYING MY BEST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TRYING: Explain to the parents, if you haven't already, that you would love to include the younger children, but that you are unable to because of their unruly behavior, which you are unable to control. What you're doing is not "unfair"; it is wise. If you were to take all four and not be able to control them, one of the little ones could be seriously injured.

Think of some other way you can make the younger children feel special. Perhaps taking them to a park occasionally would make them feel less left out.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Woman's Dangerous Dating Habits Frighten Her Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm worried about a close friend I have known for about 10 years. She's well-educated, independent and family-oriented. She has been online dating for quite a while and continually meets guys who have criminal backgrounds.

She dated one of them on the down low for two years because she was embarrassed by how he behaved in public. The most recent man served a 16-year prison sentence for being involved in a murder.

She tells me she doesn't see a future with any of them, but goes on multiple dates and defends them with, "He seems like a nice guy." In the next breath, she'll claim to want a steady and meaningful relationship.

I have voiced my concerns. I asked her what she'd say to me if the tables were turned, and her responses mimic the concern I show her. I suggested she try a different website or mode of meeting potential partners, but it hasn't made a difference.

I believe in second chances up to a point, but now I'm genuinely worried for her safety. Is there anything else I can do to convince her to have safer boundaries? -- CONCERNED ABOUT CRIMINALS

DEAR CONCERNED: No, you have done enough. Until your friend admits to herself that she's fishing for trout in the wrong stream, she'll continue to reel in sharks.

Health & SafetyFriends & NeighborsLove & Dating
life

Husband's Hunger for Sex Causes Wife to Lose Sleep

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Is it normal for men to sulk or get angry when they don't get sex when they want it? I've been married to my husband for more than 30 years. I run several miles a day and, with all the work I do, I don't always feel like having sex. Lately, I have been under a lot of stress, so I haven't been in the mood.

The other night, he did his usual sulking. Then, as he often does, he tossed about in bed, repeatedly and roughly, while we're trying to sleep. The whole bed shook. Another night, he stuck his elbow in my ribs to be sure he got my attention.

Sometimes he'll grab my butt really hard while I'm trying to sleep -- in the middle of the night, mind you. I end up having sex with him so he leaves me alone and I can sleep.

I have tried sleeping in another bed. But then he comes to that room and repeatedly kicks the mattress. If I lock the door, he kicks the door. So, I have sex with him so I can live in peace. Do most men do this when they don't get sex as often as they like? -- SPOUSE SULKING IN THE NORTH

DEAR SPOUSE: You have tolerated this for 30 years? What you have described is spousal abuse. Most men do not behave the way your husband does, bullying and coercing their wives into marital relations. Please discuss this with a licensed mental health professional. His behavior is off the charts, and you need more help than I can give you in a letter.

AbuseSex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Couple on Group Cruise Abandons Economy for First Class

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a question. If you are traveling with a group of friends on a plane, is it rude for one couple to upgrade to first class? This was a group trip traveling to go on a cruise together. -- JUST WONDERING IN FLORIDA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: I wouldn't call it a breach of etiquette. However, it's less than an expression of solidarity with the friends who are sitting in the back. Personally, I think it sends a wrong message and could cause resentment unless there's a practical reason the couple needs the extra space -- long legs, a bad back, a weight problem, etc.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics

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