DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I were dating, he told me that he'd had a consensual sexual relationship with his cousin, "Irma." He said they were in their early 20s and very immature. They parted ways because they both knew it was wrong, and Irma moved to another state. He told me so one day I wouldn't be blindsided should we ever be married.

Well, we got married, and this cousin has kept her distance until recently. Irma has now started to attend their family events. We live too far away to go, but I dread the day when we do and she's there. Should I act like I don't know what went on before I was in the picture? Nobody in his family knows this ever happened between them.

I have told my husband it makes me very uncomfortable and that it almost seems she attends hoping to run into him. Why else would she? I would be very ashamed of having done this and would continue to keep my distance.

My husband says I have nothing to worry about because Irma means nothing to him. What do I do if I run into this woman at one of these family gatherings? -- NOT HAPPY IN THE USA

DEAR NOT HAPPY: I know it may be uncomfortable, but when your paths finally cross, be polite. You don't have to do anything but exchange the basic social amenities, and spend your time socializing with the other relatives.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a middle-aged, single woman. My 76-year-old father lives with me. We get along well and the arrangement works fine, except for one problem. He never washes his hands after going to the bathroom. To make matters worse, he does most of the cooking, and he often goes right from the bathroom straight into the kitchen.

I know that if I comment on his lack of hygiene, he will get angry and defensive. How do I get him to be sanitary at his age? -- HUNGRY NO MORE

DEAR HUNGRY NO MORE: I don't blame you for having lost your appetite. After reading your letter, mine is gone, too.

You say your father lives with you and not the reverse. In your home, you get to make the rules. If this makes your father "defensive and angry," so be it.

There's a reason employees of restaurants are required to wash their hands after using the bathroom. It's to prevent the spread of disease. It may mean watching your father like a hawk, but you will have to enforce this. And if at all possible, do the cooking yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I like this girl "Jayne" who I work with that I wouldn't mind dating. Problem is, her mother also works there and has sent out signals that she "likes" me, too. So how do I get Jayne without breaking her mother's heart or creating waves at work for me? -- TROUBLE IN ALBANY, N.Y.

DEAR TROUBLE: Workplace romances are strongly discouraged because if they end -- and most do -- it could be a recipe for disaster. Your situation sounds like double-trouble. If I were you, I'd find a job where there is less electricity in the air.

DEAR READERS: Today's column is a continuation of yesterday's about the importance of gun safety and parents feeling confident enough to raise the subject with other parents. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a physician and the mother of four curious, intelligent, energetic boys. My primary job as a mom is to keep them healthy, love them and educate them.

I grew up in a small, conservative, gun-friendly community. My grandfather was a hunter. My friends growing up all owned guns at young ages. Many of them today own guns for hunting or because they are first responders. I don't fear the gun. I fear the person who doesn't respect its power enough to properly secure it.

As parents, we have an obligation to ask parents where our child will be spending time: "Do you have a gun in your home? Yes? How is it stored?" What we should be doing is coaching each other how to ask politely without giving offense. What words do you use? I practiced asking because I think the subject is touchy, but it does get easier with practice. (It took me a long time to learn to do it well.)

Abby, please encourage your readers to think about it and share their experiences and best advice. Over the years, I've developed a multitude of openings that allow me to go from funny to sincere quickly. The ultimate question, however, never varies:

1. "You know, I'm so sorry to be 'that' mom, but since we don't know each other well, I need to ask you about a safety issue. Please understand that my question isn't a judgment -- just something I need to ask. Do you keep guns in your home, and if so, how do you secure them?"

2. "This may be me just being overprotective, but the news lately has me fearful, so I have to ask. Do you keep guns in the house, and if so, how do you secure them?"

3. "I love how well our boys play together! It's fun to see their energy have an outlet. But I have a question before their playdate at your house. It's one that always makes me a little uncomfortable, so please forgive me if this seems forward. Do you keep guns on the premises, and if so, how do you secure them?"

This is simple information-gathering so I can make an informed decision for my kids. I write this because I want all parents to feel empowered to ask these questions, and because I know that my asking prompted at least two moms to re-evaluate and change the way they stored guns in their own homes. -- KEMIA SARRAF, MD, MPH

DEAR DR. SARRAF: Thank you for taking the time to write, and for providing a road map for other concerned parents to follow.

DEAR ABBY: All of the major national health organizations, including the American Academy of Pediatrics, have defined gun violence as a public health epidemic. The protocol for health care providers is to teach parents to ask about guns when children are going to another home to visit. Please educate your readers that asking is critical. This is a public health issue, not a political one! -- LISA KISER, CNM, WHNP

DEAR ABBY: I am a Yale-trained pediatric nurse with a post-master's as a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I respectfully ask that you retract your answer to "First-Time Mom in New Jersey" (June 21). I'm concerned your response will encourage other mothers to buy into the incorrect assumption that it's "impolite" to ask questions that ensure their child's safety.

You should have encouraged and empowered "First-Time Mom" to politely ask about the presence of weapons in the other parents' homes, and if so, how they are stored. It's important information for her to have.

If she has every playdate at her house and refuses to go to another home because she's afraid to ask about gun safety, eventually the other mothers will pick up on the fact that she doesn't trust their child-rearing capabilities, but won't know why. If these potential friends don't have unsecured firearms, or if they do and they are properly and safely stored, your advice will prevent healthy, honest friendships from developing, which will socially isolate her.

How will she ever ensure a break for herself by allowing and encouraging her child to socialize at another trusted mother's home she knows to be safe? Your advice will only isolate "First-Time Mom" further and put her and her toddler at great risk. -- COLLEEN M. SULLIVAN, RN, MSN, CPNP

DEAR COLLEEN: Of course you are right. The woman's question wasn't about etiquette. It was about child safety. A large number of readers besides you agreed my perspective was off. I have heard all of you loud and clear, and I apologize.

I should have advised: "You are responsible for your child's welfare. Part of assuring her safety involves asking whether weapons are on the premises and, if so, what safety precautions have been taken. (The same is true for prescription drugs, swimming pools, caustic chemicals and foods to which your child is allergic.) You should also ask if the children will be under parental supervision at all times. If anyone feels concern for your child's safety is presumptuous, do not allow your child to play there. Suggest instead that the children play at your house."

Read on for more perspectives:

DEAR ABBY: I am a pediatrician and a mother. Your advice to "First-Time Mom" about gun safety runs counter to the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics as well as numerous gun violence protection groups.

Research shows that guns are present in one in three homes, and that one in three of those guns is kept loaded and unlocked, posing a risk to children. This is why I routinely recommend that parents inquire about the presence of guns and storage methods at the homes their children visit. I also urge them to discuss with their child the importance of never touching a gun and immediately notifying an adult if they come across a gun or are shown one by another child. -- JESSICA MOWRY, M.D.

DEAR ABBY: Probably the toughest call a cop has is a shooting where one child gets ahold of a loaded, unsecured gun and accidentally kills his sibling in child's play. As an adjunct professor in criminal justice, I ask my students how many of them know someone who was involved in a gun suicide, homicide, assault, accident or other crime. Typically, one-third of the hands go up.

Parents should be able to politely ask whether a gun is in a house where their children regularly play. Sometimes the owners are not as responsible as they should be. -- CHESTER J. KULIS, ILLINOIS

READERS: More on this subject tomorrow. It's important, so stay tuned.