life

Mixed Messages From Mom Have Teen Looking for Clarity

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 25th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17. My mom and I often disagree on things. Don't get me wrong -- I don't care what she does in her free time, but lately I have learned she's talking to people about bisexuality. I don't know how to handle this or how to talk to her about it.

I feel betrayed. When I told her I was gay, she rejected my sexuality, and now she's possibly wanting relationships with other females? Even now, when we watch the news and something about the LGBT community comes on, she still mutters about marriage being between one man and one woman.

I don't want things to escalate into a big blowup over this because our relationship is just being repaired. Please help me. Am I wrong to be concerned, or do I have the right to be? -- TEEN IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR TEEN: I don't think it would escalate into an argument if you were to tell your mother you are confused by the mixed messages you're getting from her. It should be the opening of an interesting discussion, as long as you don't let it deteriorate into a fight. It seems odd to me, too, that she would reject your sexual orientation if she's leaning in both directions herself.

As to her feelings about marriage equality, you might be interested to know that not everyone thinks the idea of marriage (LGBT or otherwise) is appealing. If your mother is interested in open relationships, she may be part of that group.

Sex & GenderTeensFamily & Parenting
life

Road Trip Turns to Thrill Ride as Driver's Distraction Causes Terror

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 25th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I went on a road trip with a friend who is normally kind and generous. She insisted on driving the entire way. She often exceeded the speed limit and kept less than 20 feet between us and the 18-wheel truck ahead.

She read texts, answered her cellphone and made phone calls while she was driving. She's very demonstrative when she talks, so while she drove, holding her cell with her left hand, she'd take her other hand off the wheel to gesture. More than once she nearly hit a guardrail.

I was so frightened I broke into sobs. She responded by laughing at me! Can you give me a tactful way to tell her how dangerous her driving really is? -- TERRIFIED IN MEMPHIS

DEAR TERRIFIED: No, because it's obvious that your friend is in deep denial not only about how dangerous her driving is, but also about how it affects her passengers and other drivers around her. But I can suggest that from now on, you provide the transportation if you're going anyplace together. You were lucky this time. The next time it could cost you your life.

Friends & NeighborsHealth & Safety
life

Son's Drug Habit Causes Crisis in Mother's Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 24th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a loving and supportive man for 15 years. We have been through a lot together and, for the most part, have been OK. My problem is my son, "Kyle."

Yes, I know Kyle is a liar who steals anything not nailed down. And yes, he needs help for his drug habit -- but he is still my son.

My husband told me I either tell Kyle he is not welcome in our home or our marriage is over, so I gave him back my wedding ring. I refuse to tell my son he can't come over.

What do I do now? I don't want to lose my husband, but I refuse to lose my son as well. -- TORN IN TWO IN TULSA

DEAR TORN IN TWO: If you love your son and your husband and value your marriage, you will tell your husband you spoke hastily and ask for the ring back. Then, you will finally put your foot down and stop enabling Kyle to continue his drug habit.

Tell Kyle he is no longer welcome in the house, and will be welcome to cross your threshold only if he has completed rehab and is willing to make amends. This is called creating boundaries. It may be painful, but it is important that you find the strength and courage to do this because your son's life may depend on it.

Marriage & DivorceAddictionFamily & Parenting
life

Woman's Successful Job Hunt Adds to Unemployed Man's Frustration

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 24th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently graduated from college, and like a lot of fresh graduates, I had difficulty finding employment for several months. However, I was just offered a position far better than anything I could have asked for. This position is much closer to my dream job than a simple entry-level one, and I am over-the-moon happy. The problem is my partner, "Gavin."

Gavin graduated the semester before I did. He was in a different degree program, and he's still without a job. He applies for dozens of jobs a day, gets at least one interview a week, and then, after they ask about his less-than-stellar GPA, he never hears from them again. He has become increasingly frustrated about his inability to find employment in his field, and recently has been projecting his frustration on our relationship.

I want to be able to celebrate my accomplishment with my partner. I need Gavin's support and excitement for me over this new position, but I'm torn because every time I tell him a new detail about it, I can see in his face how upset he is. What can I do so I am not compromising my happiness trying not to upset him? -- WORKING WOMAN IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR WORKING WOMAN: The first thing I'd recommend is, out of respect for your partner's sensitive feelings, to refrain from crowing about your jubilation. It may take Gavin a while to find the job he's looking for in his field, or he may have to consider taking something outside of his field until he can network enough to find his dream job.

No two people's career paths are the same. Witness the Hollywood marriages in which one spouse becomes successful more quickly than the other. However, if you and Gavin are sensitive to each other's feelings -- and mature -- you can make it through this challenging period.

Work & SchoolLove & Dating
life

Parents Grin and Bear the Bill for Man's Upscale Appetite

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 23rd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Our son-in-law, "Brody," has a very different lifestyle than ours and the one in which we raised our daughter. I pointed it out to her while they were dating, and she was not pleased. I decided to say no more and try to accept him as best as possible, although I admit my husband has been better at it than I have.

One thing that continues to bother us is that whenever we invite them out for dinner, Brody will order the most expensive thing on the menu. He also has a couple of drinks, upgrades his salad and orders dessert. By the time he's done, the cost of his meal is double that of everyone else's.

Although we can afford it, we feel this is bad manners. I'm not sure if he's trying to take advantage of us or if he just thinks he is entitled. Our daughter thinks he's wonderful and doesn't seem to mind that he does this. I worry that it may reflect badly on her when they are out with others. Is this acceptable? Do we grin and bear it? Or should we say something and, if so, what do we say? -- PAYING DEARLY IN MONTANA

DEAR PAYING: If you bring the subject up, I can almost guarantee that what you say will not be well received. What your son-in-law is doing is "acceptable" in light of the fact that you say you can afford it. If you couldn't, I assume those dinner invitations would be few and far between, and you would have had to explain the reason to your daughter. When they dine out with contemporaries, presumably the bill is split between the couples. If that isn't the case, it probably wouldn't happen twice because the other couple would likely request separate checks.

Family & ParentingMoneyEtiquette & Ethics
life

It's Never Too Late to Announce a Wedding in the Newspaper

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 23rd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am the editor of a local newspaper and manage two others. Your message (March 27) about it being "too late" to run a wedding announcement is nonsense. We regularly receive announcements six to seven months after weddings. Also, the announcement does not have to be submitted by the couple. Grandparents or parents in the community can send them, too.

Young people today think that once something is on social media it is "official," forgetting that not everyone is on social media, and not everyone is connected to their profiles. So please tell the person who wrote that letter to send in that wedding announcement and enjoy having the hard copy memento of a happy occasion. I wouldn't be surprised if someday those newlyweds will be very happy to have a physical copy of their announcement. -- NEWSPAPER LADY IN KANSAS

DEAR NEWSPAPER LADY: I'm glad you wrote because I'm sure many readers will benefit from it. However, the writer of that letter stated that her daughter-in-law said she didn't want the announcement in the newspaper and her son agreed. I cannot "bless" the writer going against their wishes, which were made clear.

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