life

Teen's Behavior Draws Strong Words From Concerned Readers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 17th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Needs a Playmate" (Feb. 15), I agreed with your advice to 7-year-old "Jessie's" mom to make it clear that what happened was not her daughter's fault, and that "Jason" was in the wrong. You also addressed Jason's mother's unwillingness to deal with the issue. However, I don't believe your advice went far enough.

What 13-year-old Jason did was not merely misbehaving. It was an attempt at sexual molestation and a huge red flag. Chances are he has tried this behavior before, and likely succeeded. There is also the possibility that Jason himself has been a victim or has been exposed to sexually arousing material. In any case, he needs help. An investigation should occur to locate other possible victims. The appropriate reaction to something like this is to contact the local authorities and child protective services. -- CONCERNED READER IN UTAH

DEAR READER: Thank you for raising this issue. Other readers were also concerned that my advice did not go far enough. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In many states, if there is a four-year age gap between children who engage in "sex play," it may constitute a crime. In many counties, children's services will step in to investigate whether Jason has also been abused or, more likely, is watching pornography. Jason needs to be reported. Reporting this would be a good thing for him to ensure that he won't eventually become part of the juvenile justice system. -- A LITTLE SHOCKED IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: That 13-year-old boy attempted to sexually abuse Jessie, which is a crime. He may also have done other things to her that, at her age, she may not be able to understand were wrong. Her mom should have her examined by a physician and get a referral for counseling. The police should also be notified to investigate. Don't forget -- Jason has a younger sister who could be a victim, too.

He's old enough to know his behavior is wrong, and without intervention he could repeat it. He may even make another attempt on Jessie, since she lives close by. She may be at risk for being abused again and remain silent because she lost her friend when she told her mother what happened in the first place. Mom: Please don't overlook this. -- NANCY IN NEW ENGLAND

Family & ParentingTeensFriends & Neighbors
life

Effort to Watch Videos Without Disturbing Others Backfires

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 17th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When I watch videos on my laptop or phone, I usually use headphones so the noise doesn't disturb others. If the video is funny, I laugh. Like most people, I love comedy and I love to laugh.

In recent months, however, my father has frequently made a point of telling me that my laughing is disturbing, especially when no one else can hear what I'm laughing at. He says the sound can be startling, and that I sound maniacal or hysterical. Naturally, I feel guilty, and it tends to ruin the enjoyment of whatever I'm watching.

What do I do to resolve this source of conflict? Try not to laugh when he's around? -- LAUGHING OUT LOUD

DEAR L.O.L.: Try this: Because you know your sudden bursts of laughter startle your dad, view your videos in another room so you won't disturb him.

Family & Parenting
life

Teen Tells Mom to Stay Away During His Band Performances

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 16th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old son will be entering 10th grade. He has been a member of the school band since sixth grade. After performing in last year's Christmas parade, a group of the students went to a nursing home to perform for the residents. When we arrived, I started to get out of the car with my son so I could listen, as other parents were doing. My son seemed surprised that I was going to stay and said he would rather I didn't because I make him nervous. Needless to say, I was devastated.

Now, whenever there's a concert, festival, parade or football game, I stay away, although I love to listen and watch the band play. When I don't attend, I feel hurt all over again. I'm his mother. I'm at a loss as to why I make him nervous, because I have always given him positive feedback regarding any performance. Should I respect his wishes and stay away, or go because it is what makes me happy? -- MISSING THE SHOW IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISSING THE SHOW: Have you asked your son why your presence makes him nervous when he performs? His answer might be enlightening. It could be something as simple as the fact that you are his mother. Sometimes teens become self-conscious simply because a parent is present, which may be the case with your son. That said, if you wish to attend his performances, I think you should, if you can do it unobtrusively, preferably out of his line of sight, and refrain from giving him feedback.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

After Accomplishing More Than He Dreamed, Man Grows Bored With Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 16th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Life has me worn out. I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could (considering my upbringing), traveled as much as I wanted, always strived to be a good husband and father, a good employer, a loyal volunteer, a supportive friend and good neighbor. I have done so many different things during my life that at this point, the thrill is gone.

At 56, I am tired of working, tired of travel, bored with my hobbies and sick of dealing with most people in general. I'm relaxed and laugh easily and have good relationships, but nothing excites me anymore. Honestly, if the Grim Reaper tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Pack your bags; tomorrow's the day," I'd just shrug and ask, "What time?"

I have been to the doctor. He said I'm depressed, but I don't feel depressed. I think the meds he put me on made me depressed! I went to a couple of therapists who told me I don't need therapy; I just need to find a new "spark." So what's a person to do? Must I keep wallowing through the days waiting for the end? Am I the only person who feels this way? -- WALLOWING IN THE NORTH

DEAR WALLOWING: You are not the only person who feels this way, and NO, you don't have to keep "wallowing." It appears you are experiencing a plain old-fashioned midlife crisis. Contact the psychologist with whom you felt the most connection -- or search for another one until you do -- and discuss what you are experiencing in those terms, because you need more help than I -- or anyone -- can give you in a letter.

Mental Health
life

Sweethearts Struggling With a 30-Year Age Gap

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 15th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my late 20s and have a male companion who is 30-plus years older than I am. We were together for a while, then stopped so we could both try to find someone closer to our ages. Neither of us did, and we recently started seeing each other again.

Although we are good for each other and compatible in many ways, we are realistic that our relationship isn't long-term for major reasons. (I want children; he's happy with grandchildren. He wants to travel after retirement; I'm just starting my career.) We live for the moment and don't dwell too much on the future.

My problem is, this time I'm really falling in love with him. Last time, I was reluctant to become emotional because I was afraid of getting hurt. But this time, I am all in. Can any good come of this? We meet each other's relationship needs in the here and now, but is the end just heartbreak? -- LOVING FOR THE MOMENT

DEAR LOVING: It's time for you to start compiling a list of the pros and cons of this romance. You and this man are at different stages of life and have very different goals. If you really want to have a family and a career, you will have to sacrifice something for it, and that "something" may be devoting much more time to this man. Sorry, but something's gotta give.

Love & Dating
life

Found Cash May Be Lost to Neighbor With Her Own Plans

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 15th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my husband and I were walking down the sidewalk in our neighborhood and came across $160 in cash strewn all over the ground. We picked it up, and as we were doing so, our neighbor came outside. We knew her husband had just gotten home, and the money was near his car, so we asked if it might be his. We handed her the cash and told her to let us know.

Two weeks have gone by and no one has claimed it. Our neighbor still has it in her possession, and has mentioned in passing that we should spend it on toys for our kids or food/drinks at the next get-together.

While I think these are OK ideas, I'm a little bitter because my husband and I found the money, and I feel we should be the ones who get to keep it if no one comes forward to claim it. I don't want to damage the friendship we have with our neighbors, but I feel like we're losing a bit. What do you think? -- FINDERS KEEPERS

DEAR FINDERS KEEPERS: I think that before handing over the money, you should have had your neighbor ask her husband if he had lost any and how much. Because you didn't do that and they have the cash, perhaps you should "remind" her that "per her suggestion," you would love to spend some of it on toys for your kids, and ask for some or all of it back. If she's a good neighbor, she'll agree. If not, you will have learned an expensive lesson.

Friends & NeighborsMoney
life

Habitual No-Show Will No Longer Be on Hostess' Guest List

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 15th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend I always invite to attend parties and events. She invariably RSVPs accepting the invitation, but never shows up or explains her absence. This has been going on for years and it hurts my feelings. Do I have to keep inviting her? -- COLORADO HOSTESS

DEAR HOSTESS: Allow me to offer you some insight: The woman's behavior is extremely rude. "Good friends" do not treat each other this way. If you're asking my permission to scratch her off your guest list, you have it.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations

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