life

New Job in New State Tests Strength of Men's Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who has been dating a divorced man for nine months. I'm 25 and he is 50. He was married to a woman for more than 20 years and has three children. (I am the age between his middle and oldest children.) We met one day and have never been apart since.

It started great. We had a connection I had never experienced before I met him. He was let go from his job, and I supported him for some time. He finally found a job in Georgia, and I am left in New York.

I made plans to move there with him, but I'm nervous about it. First, because I have never been in love before and I'm not sure if he's as in love with me as I am with him. Second, he cheated on his wife with a man my age. The guy left him right before he met me, and I'm not so sure he is completely over him. (I know they are still in contact, but he has never lied about it.)

I'm worried he might cheat on me too, or worse, give his ex another shot, and I'll be left on the sidelines. What advice can you offer me? -- WANTS TO MAKE THE RIGHT MOVE

DEAR WANTS: Do nothing drastic right now. Pay him a visit. Without committing yourself, take a look around to see if Georgia might suit you.

You say this man hasn't lied to you. While you're there, ask him whether he would give his ex another shot if the man were willing. However, don't prejudge him because he was unable to remain faithful to his wife. Like some gay men who come out later in life, he may not have fully realized that he was gay until some time after they were married. It happens.

Sex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Colleague's Poor Hygiene Becomes Big Issue in Small Office

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work in a company that has small offices. Although most people have their own office, I share one because I was the last guy hired.

I have one co-worker who I really like, but he has a serious problem. He -- and his wife, I suspect -- don't do laundry. This results in him having serious odor. When he comes into my office or I have to go into his, or even walk by his door, the smell is seriously rank. How do I tell him or his superiors about this issue? -- HOLDING MY NOSE IN TEXAS

DEAR HOLDING: Go to your supervisor and explain the problem. You should not have to counsel the offending employee; the boss, your supervisor or someone in human resources should do it. If the problem is as severe as you say it is, it probably won't be the first time they have heard about it because others will have noticed it and complained, too.

Work & School
life

Over-Eager Neighbor Is Too Friendly Too Fast

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a new neighbor, and after meeting just once, she declared us to be "great friends." I work full time and she doesn't, so anytime I'm home she wants to get together. That would be fine if I liked her, but I don't! We are complete opposites, and she has a major gambling problem. How do I gracefully say I'm not interested in being friends? -- PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE

DEAR PLEASE: The poor woman is new in the neighborhood. That may be why she's reaching out the way she is. When she suggests getting together, explain that you have a full-time job and things you need to do at home, so the answer is you don't have time. Sorry.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Lawyer's Petition to Help Friend Study Is Dismissed

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 23rd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Samantha," whom I met in law school four years ago. We both graduated in 2014. I have passed the bar exam, and so have all our friends from school, but Samantha has not.

She was in a bad relationship back in school and planned to marry the guy. That fell apart, and she's now dating a guy who seems to be pretty great. Samantha has failed the bar exam twice now, and I know she's smart enough to pass. I have offered encouragement, to help her study and critique her practice essays, but she has refused.

I want to find a way to get through to her that it's OK to ask for help. I'd like to suggest that maybe she should put the new boyfriend on hold for a while as she studies for the next exam. I know it will be hard for her and most likely embarrassing, but I am her friend, and I want her to get what she worked so hard for. -- CHEERING HER ON IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR CHEERING: You are a caring and well-meaning friend, but Samantha has refused your generous offer. While you may wish she'd put her romance on hold until she passes the bar, it's possible her emotional needs are greater than you understand. If you want to retain her friendship, back off and let her find her own way through this, or you may wind up driving her away.

Work & SchoolFriends & Neighbors
life

Guests Can Help Foot the Bill for Morning-After Wedding Brunch

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 23rd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is being married at a resort hotel where the bridal party and spouses, several relatives and friends will be spending the night. This resort has an upscale restaurant on site.

My husband and I are spending a lot on this wedding already. Must we also host a morning-after wedding brunch for everyone staying at the hotel and for other guests who have flown in from out of town (who may be staying at other hotels in the area)? Please advise! -- BRUNCH FOR A BUNCH

DEAR B.F.A.B.: There are no formal rules regarding post-wedding brunches. Usually they are hosted by the bride's or groom's family or friends. However, if paying for the brunch would strain your budget, consider inviting your guests to a "no host" brunch at a restaurant that's less expensive than the one at the hotel.

MoneyHolidays & Celebrations
life

Benefits of Wearing a Kilt Outweigh the Occasional Odd Stare

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 23rd, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 60-year-old semi-retired widower living in central Florida. On hot days (hot, humid days are abundant in central Florida in the summer), I have taken to wearing a kilt. The kilts are the most comfortable garments I have ever owned.

Most folks are tolerant hereabouts, but I do get some odd looks. I say it is my right to be comfortable and to heck with the (very few) snickers I get while riding the bus, at the library, post office or grocery store. Abby, am I normal or just a bit nuts? -- ODD LOOKS IN FLORIDA

DEAR ODD LOOKS: I don't think it's "nuts" to want to be comfortable. If wearing a kilt provides the ventilation you need to feel comfortable, I say more power to you. However, I would not classify you as normal because most people prefer to just blend in, and what you're doing is unusual.

Health & Safety
life

Woman Worries Lazy Fiance Will Also Be Lazy Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 22nd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "David," and I are getting married soon. We have been living together and engaged for a year, and together eight years. It takes him forever to get things done around the house or buy things we need. I have tried lists and constant reminders.

David recently lost his job and is interviewing to find another one. He loves sports, so he plays softball with his friend in a league, which takes up an entire day of the weekend. When he comes home, he wants to watch sports on TV.

The house is old (it was my grandfather's), and there's always something that needs doing or fixing. When I ask him to help, he pushes it to the next day or says he'll get to it eventually. I told him he needs to grow up and start shouldering responsibilities. This is causing our relationship to suffer. I have been wanting to see a marriage counselor, but David refuses.

We're about to get married and I'm afraid I'm walking into a trap and the rest of my life will be one in which he has all the fun and I do all the housework. Help! -- SEES THE WRITING ON THE WALL

DEAR SEES: I'll try. Before entering into a marriage, couples should have premarital counseling. Clearly, you and David haven't done that. Please understand that at this point in your relationship, he should still be on his best behavior. This may be the way he handles -- or more accurately avoids -- responsibility.

I recommend you put the wedding on hold a little longer and talk with a counselor. If he's unwilling to go, please do not let it hold you back. You will find it to be supportive, enlightening and valuable.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Couple Walking Side by Side Jockey for Proper Position

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 22nd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 11 years and I have a running argument. I say a man should walk curbside. My husband insists that in the military, the higher-ranking officer always walks on the right. He says he "honors" me by doing so. I am grateful to have such a loving, caring spouse, but I'm not comfortable with this. Your insight would be appreciated. -- CALIFORNIA PEDESTRIAN

DEAR PEDESTRIAN: You were taught traditional rules of good manners. One of them is that when men and women walk on the street together, the man should stay toward the curb.

Back in the day, the rule was instituted because people used to empty chamber pots from second-story windows and the refuse was less likely to hit the person closer to the house. In the horse-and-buggy days, the pedestrian closer to the street was more likely to get splashed in rainy weather. (The same can happen when cars pass through puddles today.)

Because you're uncomfortable with your husband's show of chivalry, you should explain that to him. And if he continues because it has become a reflex, all you have to do is remind him and I'm sure he'll accommodate you.

Etiquette & Ethics

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