DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Amanda" for four years. During that time, my parents, especially my mother, have called her and her family "trashy" because they live in a rural area in Texas.

My mother has no reason to abuse my wife the way she does. Amanda's family has always been very kind to me. What really gets me is that my mother also grew up in a rural area. My mother has said repeatedly that if I don't get a divorce, things will never get any better between her and me. -- ABUSE IN TEXAS

DEAR ABUSE: When a man marries, he is expected to separate from his family and form a new family with his wife. You must not allow your mother to belittle and abuse Amanda, who must now come first. Because your mother has no intention of changing, it's time to get a divorce -- from HER. If you don't, she will not only make your life miserable, but also your wife's. (Happy wife, happy life!)

DEAR ABBY: Over the last 10 years, I have loaned books to friends and co-workers. Each time, the books were never returned to me. When I followed up with one friend about it, he seemed insulted that I would ask for the book back. Other people I've loaned books to never mentioned them again.

Is there some etiquette rule that allows people to keep a book that is lent to them indefinitely? If not, what's the best way to make sure my book gets returned? -- BOOKWORM IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BOOKWORM: No rule of etiquette dictates that when something is lent it is the person's to keep. The individuals you lent the books to may have been embarrassed because they never got around to reading them or lost them.

I suppose you could make clear when you lend a book to someone that you expect it back within a certain period of time -- say, a month. But the only way to "guarantee" that you get the book back is to not lend it in the first place.

DEAR ABBY: Visitations after a death provide an opportunity for friends and family to see people they may not have seen in a long time. (Except for the immediate family, everyone has a good time!) I have decided that I don't want to miss mine, so I have decided to have it on my 75th birthday. There will be food, drink and photos on the big-screen TV.

My question is, what should I call it? A "celebration of my life" seems presumptuous, but I can't think of anything better. I plan to repeat this event every five years until I'm dead, in a coma, or run out of money for the caterer. Any ideas? -- STUCK FOR A LABEL

DEAR STUCK FOR A LABEL: I can't improve on the label you have already "stuck" on your party. It will be a celebration of life, so why not call it what it is? I do have a suggestion, though: If you run out of money before your demise, make it potluck.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Ann," abruptly ended our friendship seven years ago and I still can't get over it. We were friends from the time we were in first grade until we were 48. We were inseparable as children; she was the maid of honor in my wedding; and though we've lived 3,000 miles apart for most of our adult lives, we maintained a close friendship through phone calls and yearly visits.

Then Ann got mad about something I said and stopped returning calls. Finally, when I asked her what was wrong, she emailed me that our friendship "wasn't working" for her and she "wished me well." Around the time she stopped talking to me, she also cut ties with two other friends, and a couple of years later, stopped talking to her father. So this is a pattern with her.

I have solid relationships with my husband, grown kids, co-workers and other friends. Still, I can't shake this sense of loss. I miss Ann and think of her every day. I need closure, but don't know how to get it. She won't return phone calls or emails.

Losing her makes me feel like every other relationship is at risk. I now live in fear of alienating or angering my other friends. How can I overcome these emotions and get on with my life? -- SUFFERING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SUFFERING: You can get past this by scheduling some sessions with a therapist, or talking to your clergyperson. Surely by now you realize that Ann may have some issues. Please don't make them yours. Your other friends are not clones of this woman and are not likely to react in the extreme way she does. While counseling may not lessen your sense of loss, I hope it will give you a measure of peace of mind.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's "Great Aunt Sally" sent her a high school graduation card and check a year too early. Sally is her grandmother's sister on her dad's side. Her dad and I are no longer together, but I'm still friendly with his mother and aunt. Her dad is not the right person to handle this, so it's up to us.

We don't want to offend or embarrass Aunt Sally by returning the check. Should I have my daughter return it with a thank-you note explaining the error? Or should I have her keep it and send a thank-you note letting her aunt know that her thoughtfulness is appreciated? Since this lady has a great sense of humor, I'm leaning toward the latter, but I don't want to keep something that isn't yet earned. Help! -- MOM OF AN ALMOST-GRAD

DEAR MOM: A gracious thank-you note is, of course, in order. Your daughter should keep the card and the check, and mention in her note that she graduates next year, because if Aunt Sally hears it from another relative, she may wonder why your daughter didn't tell her herself. If Aunt Sally has the sense of humor you say she does, she will take the news in stride.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for almost five years, and my husband and I recently decided to try to have a baby. I am really excited about the possibility of being a mom. My problem is, my parents and his parents don't want to be grandparents.

I will be 30 this year, and they keep telling me I should wait until I'm 40 to have kids. I have endometriosis, and I know if I wait too long it will be even harder to get pregnant.

On top of all the pressure our families are putting me under, I just found out my sister has been married almost a year and hasn't told anyone. I don't want to disappoint our families or force something on them they are not ready for. I'm not sure what to do now. I want my husband and me to be happy. Any advice would be appreciated. -- STRESSED OUT IN OHIO

DEAR STRESSED: I know you want to be a good daughter, but you are allowing your parents (and in-laws) to weigh in on a decision that should be yours and your husband's alone. Your reason for not wanting to postpone motherhood makes sense.

Understand that not everyone wants to be a grandparent and be glad you're finding out upfront that the parents will not be baby-sitting. Many disappointed readers have written me after the fact to express their dismay when they realized it. Take from this the lesson that you must live your own life.

And, by the way, so should your sister. If there are consequences from her elopement, she should experience them. But under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be dragged into her drama.

DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful husband I love deeply and can't imagine my life without. We have a beautiful marriage. We never fight or really even argue.

We have been together for 11 years and only during the last couple of years has he started doing something that troubles me. In the afternoon or evening, if I need to go to the store -- or anywhere for that matter -- he gets upset and gives me the silent treatment and doesn't want me to go.

I trust him and let him do whatever he wants. I have never given him a reason to not trust me, so why does it make him so angry if I need to run to the store? I feel I deserve the same respect and trust that I show him. How do I make him see how much it hurts me for him to act like this? -- FEELING MISTRUSTED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FEELING MISTRUSTED: What you are describing is a red flag that if ignored could ruin your beautiful marriage. Your husband's insecurity and need to control you may stem from the fact that he has been hiding something from you. Tell him that you love him, but for the sake of your marriage, the two of you should go to couples counseling.