DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband had an affair with a woman who was one of my dearest friends. My heart is broken; my marriage is over. I have lost my home and my friend. It has been a struggle for me to recover.

My daughter, with whom I am very close, continues to have a relationship with this woman. While I know it's not my place to tell her who to be friends with (she's 22), I can't help but feel betrayed.

My daughter is pregnant, and this woman seems to be attempting to play mother and push her way into every detail of my daughter's pregnancy. It's extremely upsetting to me to have to share one more thing with her. She already took my home and husband; I would like to keep my daughter and grandbaby. What to do? -- THE REAL GRANDMA-TO-BE

DEAR REAL GRANDMA: Although you cannot cut this woman completely out of your life because she is now with your ex, calmly discuss this with your daughter. She may have reasons that you are unaware of for wanting to include the woman to the extent that she has.

DEAR ABBY: My niece was married by a justice of the peace in October. She and her husband are having a church wedding this summer. What would be the proper date to recognize on a gift? -- DONNA IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DONNA: If you are having the wedding gift engraved, you should ask your niece which date she and her husband would prefer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been into swinging for 20 years. Everything has always been "no strings attached." I was with one man several times before he married his current wife. She's very religious, not into swinging and doesn't know he is.

I'm so attracted to "Nick" that I dream about him and have met him outside our marriages. I know it's wrong, but I can't keep him out of my mind. My husband doesn't know, and I know it would hurt him deeply. Should I tell Nick, or quit writing him on our swinging site? -- DESPAIR DOWN SOUTH

DEAR DESPAIR: And what have you to gain by revealing your feelings? If you think it would make Nick leave his wife, forget it. Because you know it would hurt your husband -- although I'm having trouble understanding why, because you're swingers -- I recommend you refrain from causing him pain.

DEAR ABBY: My family has been put in a difficult position. Last year, a woman my brother had a one-night-stand with became pregnant. I have heard from more than one person that she's known as the town tramp or "crazy."

We're sure she planned it because he makes a good living and can support the child financially, and she insisted on keeping the baby. My brother, God bless him, is doing what's necessary, although having a child with a woman he has come to despise weighs heavily on him.

How should we, his family, handle this? At this point, I have no interest in laying eyes on her or her baby, blood kin or not. I feel no affinity for the child because I know my brother didn't want it. Maybe in time, I could find a way to know this child, but for now my anger prevents it. -- LIVID SISTER IN TEXAS

DEAR LIVID: None of this is the fault of the baby. No one forced your brother to sleep with the "town tramp." I respect him for living up to his responsibilities to his child.

You have nothing to lose by being kind to your nephew/niece and his/her mother. Frankly, it appears she could use befriending, and in the years ahead that baby may need a stabilizing female influence.

DEAR ABBY: My new father-in-law always greets me with a hug and a kiss on the mouth. I come from a family who doesn't kiss on the lips, and I find it extremely awkward. I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

I don't want to bring it up to him because I'm afraid it would be offensive. I have mentioned it to my husband, who kind of shrugged it off, saying his father is "old school." I have started turning my head when we greet so that he hits my cheek instead of my mouth. Please advise me on how to deal with this. -- TURNING A CHEEK IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TURNING: I think you're handling the situation well. If your father-in-law asks why you're turning your head, all you have to do is smile and say you save kisses on the mouth for your husband.

P.S. I don't know what "old school" your father-in-law attended, but I wouldn't set foot on that campus.

DEAR ABBY: I am a full-time nanny for a family with two children, ages 7 and 9. The mother is wonderful, and so are the kids. But the father, who is absent due to work travel most of the time, teaches his children attitudes I strongly disagree with. It is not often I must interact with him, but when I have, he says hateful things about people who are gay, obese or poor.

The children have now begun to repeat these comments, pointing out large people when we are in public, or saying nasty things about the homeless we see as we drive. I try to combat this hatred by sharing words of love or acceptance.

The mom is mortified when I tell her the things her children have said. She doesn't share the same attitudes as her husband, but she works a lot and isn't around to discuss things like this with her kids in the moment.

I feel like part of the family because I spend so much time with the children. But I wonder if I am overstepping my boundaries by admonishing them for saying things their father has taught them to believe. Is it my place to teach the kids lessons about acceptance that are contrary to what he tells them? -- NANNY IN TAMPA

DEAR NANNY: The person to whom you should be addressing this question is the children's mother. Whether I think teaching the children compassion and tolerance is the right thing to do (which, by the way, I do) is not relevant. You should abide by her wishes because she is your employer.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old female. I'm not married and have no kids. I've been dating a man who is 14 years older for two years now. He has no children.

We have talked about marriage and having children, but recently I found out he has no retirement savings. This scares me because I'm thinking about the future. If something were to happen to him and we were married, I'd be stuck with his debt.

I am at a loss. I don't want to be the snobby woman who kicks him when he's down and leaves him, but at the same time, I don't understand why he hasn't planned for retirement. Am I wrong for thinking this way? -- CONTEMPLATING MY FUTURE IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR CONTEMPLATING: If you don't understand your boyfriend's thinking on the subject of financial planning, continue discussing it with him until you do. He may not realize how important it is to plan, invest and save for the future. Many people older than he is are now having a rude awakening about how long they will need to continue working until they have enough of a nest egg to retire. In many cases, it takes the effort of both spouses to accomplish it -- if they can retire at all.

Please don't call yourself names. I wouldn't accuse you of being a "snob" because you're thinking rationally on the subject of finances. I call that being sensible.