DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been into swinging for 20 years. Everything has always been "no strings attached." I was with one man several times before he married his current wife. She's very religious, not into swinging and doesn't know he is.

I'm so attracted to "Nick" that I dream about him and have met him outside our marriages. I know it's wrong, but I can't keep him out of my mind. My husband doesn't know, and I know it would hurt him deeply. Should I tell Nick, or quit writing him on our swinging site? -- DESPAIR DOWN SOUTH

DEAR DESPAIR: And what have you to gain by revealing your feelings? If you think it would make Nick leave his wife, forget it. Because you know it would hurt your husband -- although I'm having trouble understanding why, because you're swingers -- I recommend you refrain from causing him pain.

DEAR ABBY: My family has been put in a difficult position. Last year, a woman my brother had a one-night-stand with became pregnant. I have heard from more than one person that she's known as the town tramp or "crazy."

We're sure she planned it because he makes a good living and can support the child financially, and she insisted on keeping the baby. My brother, God bless him, is doing what's necessary, although having a child with a woman he has come to despise weighs heavily on him.

How should we, his family, handle this? At this point, I have no interest in laying eyes on her or her baby, blood kin or not. I feel no affinity for the child because I know my brother didn't want it. Maybe in time, I could find a way to know this child, but for now my anger prevents it. -- LIVID SISTER IN TEXAS

DEAR LIVID: None of this is the fault of the baby. No one forced your brother to sleep with the "town tramp." I respect him for living up to his responsibilities to his child.

You have nothing to lose by being kind to your nephew/niece and his/her mother. Frankly, it appears she could use befriending, and in the years ahead that baby may need a stabilizing female influence.

DEAR ABBY: I am a full-time nanny for a family with two children, ages 7 and 9. The mother is wonderful, and so are the kids. But the father, who is absent due to work travel most of the time, teaches his children attitudes I strongly disagree with. It is not often I must interact with him, but when I have, he says hateful things about people who are gay, obese or poor.

The children have now begun to repeat these comments, pointing out large people when we are in public, or saying nasty things about the homeless we see as we drive. I try to combat this hatred by sharing words of love or acceptance.

The mom is mortified when I tell her the things her children have said. She doesn't share the same attitudes as her husband, but she works a lot and isn't around to discuss things like this with her kids in the moment.

I feel like part of the family because I spend so much time with the children. But I wonder if I am overstepping my boundaries by admonishing them for saying things their father has taught them to believe. Is it my place to teach the kids lessons about acceptance that are contrary to what he tells them? -- NANNY IN TAMPA

DEAR NANNY: The person to whom you should be addressing this question is the children's mother. Whether I think teaching the children compassion and tolerance is the right thing to do (which, by the way, I do) is not relevant. You should abide by her wishes because she is your employer.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old female. I'm not married and have no kids. I've been dating a man who is 14 years older for two years now. He has no children.

We have talked about marriage and having children, but recently I found out he has no retirement savings. This scares me because I'm thinking about the future. If something were to happen to him and we were married, I'd be stuck with his debt.

I am at a loss. I don't want to be the snobby woman who kicks him when he's down and leaves him, but at the same time, I don't understand why he hasn't planned for retirement. Am I wrong for thinking this way? -- CONTEMPLATING MY FUTURE IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR CONTEMPLATING: If you don't understand your boyfriend's thinking on the subject of financial planning, continue discussing it with him until you do. He may not realize how important it is to plan, invest and save for the future. Many people older than he is are now having a rude awakening about how long they will need to continue working until they have enough of a nest egg to retire. In many cases, it takes the effort of both spouses to accomplish it -- if they can retire at all.

Please don't call yourself names. I wouldn't accuse you of being a "snob" because you're thinking rationally on the subject of finances. I call that being sensible.

DEAR ABBY: I've always been a self-sufficient woman. I grew up in an abusive household, moved out at 16, and cut off contact with my family a couple of years later when it became apparent nothing would change.

Nine months ago, my husband walked out on me and our 3-year-old son. He has no interest in our child. Our roommate, "Matt," became "Daddy" to my son with my ex's blessing.

I want a divorce, but I'm not sure how to proceed. My ex and I have talked; he wants to give up his parental rights, and I have no interest in getting child support from him. All I want is my son.

I can't afford a lawyer right now because of some financial obligations my ex left me saddled with, but I don't want to put this off. If anything were to happen to me, my son would go to my ex instead of the man he considers his dad.

All my friends are either happily married or single, and I have no family to turn to for advice. I'm not religious, so I have no clergyperson to consult. Is there someplace I can turn to for help in ending this marriage, or do I just need to save up until I can afford legal counsel? -- SINGLE MOM IN OREGON

DEAR SINGLE MOM: Your next step should be to contact your state bar association and find out if there are low-cost legal services in your area. If both parties are in agreement, a divorce can be amicable and not expensive. I wish you luck; do not procrastinate.

DEAR ABBY: Some nights I talk in my sleep. It doesn't happen every night, and there is no rhyme or reason for it. Recently my husband told me I said something during my sleep that made him angry. He didn't want to get into a fight, so we haven't discussed it more. I suspect I may have been having an "adult" dream and said a name other than his.

Now he tries to stay up later than me. I think he may be trying to question me while I'm sleeping in order to get more information out of me on the subject. My doctor said there is no guarantee my response would be true or even related to the questions my husband asked me.

Should I confront my husband about whatever is bothering him, or keep stressing myself out about what I may be saying in my sleep? -- NIGHT TALKER IN INDIANA

DEAR NIGHT TALKER: Definitely talk to your husband and try to clear the air, because avoiding the subject isn't healthy. If he's really suspicious because of something you may have said while you were dreaming, discussing this together with your doctor may put his mind at ease.

However, if it doesn't, then I recommend you schedule a consultation for both of you with a sleep disorder specialist who can make clear that what people mumble during a dream sequence is not an indication of infidelity (or reality).