DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for three. I had an affair a little over a year ago that he found out about. He has let me back into the house, but he demeans my character at every opportunity. I don't fight back because I know I am the cause of his pain.

We have a 3-year-old daughter, and I am now six weeks pregnant with his child. I do not want to argue with him, because if I had been a better wife, he would not be so angry. But the hurt I feel from his words over the past months is weighing heavy on me, especially with my new hormones. I'm holding it in, but should I leave? Become a single mother? How can I get him to a counselor? -- NEEDS COUNSELING

DEAR NEEDS: I do not mean to minimize your infidelity, but you had better take a stand and give your husband an ultimatum: Heal the marriage through marriage counseling, or you leave. Be prepared to follow through, because without professional intervention nothing will change. The situation you describe is unhealthy not only for you and your unborn child, but also for your little girl. Your daughter should not be raised to think that this toxic environment is normal.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a lesbian and have been in a relationship with a woman for two months now. She never offers to pay for our dates, and she hasn't planned or executed one, either. We're both very feminine, although she would be considered slightly more so than I am. I feel this is important because I'm somehow the more dominant one. How can I address this concern without hurting her? I would like her to reciprocate somewhat. -- DOMINANT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DOMINANT: Address the imbalance in your relationship by being straightforward about it. Good manners dictate that when someone has been asked out, treated, etc., that person should reciprocate. Because that's not happening, you need to discuss it with her. To do so isn't hurtful; it's common sense, because unless you do, this pattern will continue.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with the same man for six months. He has been separated from his wife for 10 years -- but not legally. When he finally decided to tell her there is someone else and he's moving on, she went crazy. She said she wants alimony and half of everything, plus the house will have to be sold because she will not allow "the new woman" to live in "her" house.

It's been a month since he told her. We talked to a lawyer about a divorce, but all he is worried about is paying alimony and losing the house. I am getting sick of hearing about it. All he keeps saying is, "I love you, but I don't want to lose my house or pay her money." What should I do? -- FIGHT OR FLIGHT IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FIGHT OR FLIGHT: Your boyfriend appears to be unwilling to pay the price for a divorce. So what you should do is flee. The longer you stick around, the deeper you will become enmeshed in his drama, and the more complicated it will become.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I met a wonderful person. I spent roughly three months with him in a budding relationship. My issue is that one night he said those three little words, and I panicked and disappeared from his life. I know it was a horrible and cowardly thing to do. I just didn't know how to handle it other than ask him why and saying, "You can't mean me, right?"

I have felt horrible that I vanished without any explanation and most likely hurt him. I really would like to apologize for my actions and immaturity. He didn't deserve that type of treatment. I recently found his address and wonder if it would be all right to send an apology, or if it would be best not to open potential wounds. -- DISAPPEARED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISAPPEARED: Because you feel an apology and an explanation are in order, I see no harm in offering them. However, before you do, think this through. Is there more to this than a guilty conscience? Because years have passed, you both may be at different places in your lives than you were then. One or both of you may be married or involved with others. So before you do this, be absolutely sure not only of your motivations, but also of your expectations.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently had discussions with friends and family about the best way to express concern for someone who is facing major surgery. Some say they'd prefer hearing about others who have undergone similar procedures successfully. (But might that set expectations that can't be met, since not all procedures and physical circumstances are the same?) Or is it best to keep comments general? For example: "You will be in my thoughts/prayers/heart," or "I hope it goes even better than you hope it will." What's the most helpful way to express concern? -- SENSITIVE SUBJECT

DEAR S.S.: Unless the surgery is for something life-threatening -- in which case the thoughts, prayers and heart are necessary -- keep the message upbeat and positive. Example: "Is there anything I can do for you while you're recuperating?" And if the answer is no, say, "I'll give you a call in a couple of days to see how you're doing, and we'll visit when you're up for company."

DEAR ABBY: If you give a wedding shower gift, is it proper to also give a wedding gift? I have done both for many years, but recently was questioned about why I do it. I told the person that's the way my mother raised me. Was she correct? -- GIFT GIVER IN CONROE, TEXAS

DEAR GIFT GIVER: Your mother raised you right. Weddings and showers are separate events. When attending a shower, it is customary to give the honoree a gift. The same is true for a wedding. That someone has given the bride a shower gift does not mean the person is not supposed to give the couple a wedding gift.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for more than two years. We have been in a long-distance relationship the entire time. I live in California, and he lives in the Midwest. I've been trying to get him out here because I have a job I love, and he could easily get a job in his sector out here.

His issue is that this area has "too many people and is too fast-paced" for him. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to quit my job and move there. Finding a job there wouldn't be easy since construction is not booming as much. What do I do? Do I just give up my job, or keep trying to convince him to move? Or should I cut my losses and start over? -- LONG-DISTANCE DATING

DEAR LONG DISTANCE: I don't think you should give up a job you love in an environment you enjoy on the chance that this two-year relationship might become permanent. If it goes nowhere, where does that leave you? It's time to ask yourself whether you really want to tie your future to someone who prefers a different way of life. Once you answer that question, you will know what to do.

DEAR ABBY: My son has his master's degree in international relations, so he travels to places I will never see. He's in Italy now, and he asked me what I would like for a souvenir. I said I wanted his memories.

I asked him to get a bag and put in it menus, train tickets and bar napkins, and to jot down at night on hotel stationery what he did, saw, how the weather was. I asked him to mention anything different or unusual and collect coasters, valet stubs, anything that would help him share his experiences with me when he gets back.

I said that when we go through all the stuff, I will get my vicarious thrill then -- better that than some "tchotchke" I'd have to dust. Good idea? -- PROUD MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR PROUD MOM: Great idea! As the years go on, those "memory joggers" will let you both relive the adventures he's having now, and they will become increasingly precious. I know it from experience.

DEAR ABBY: I am sure this issue affects many people, but I have not seen it addressed in your column. Oftentimes married partners are separated by many years in age. Eventually the older of them has to enter a long-term care facility due to a mental/physical defect.

Even though the bond and love that kept them together over the years still exists, the younger still has physical and emotional needs that can no longer be met by the older spouse. What are the ethics in the younger one having a "friend with benefits" to address those needs, if it's done discreetly without causing embarrassment and humiliation to the older spouse? -- FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

DEAR FRIENDS: This is a highly personal decision that no one can make for anyone else. While many readers may disagree, I see nothing wrong with taking care of yourself as long as you remember you have a moral obligation to support your spouse "'til death do you part." To me that means visiting and spending time with your spouse every day to ensure his/her needs are taken care of in a compassionate and diligent manner, and to let the person know he or she is loved.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: It's time to hide the matzo again -- Passover begins at sundown. Happy Passover, everyone!