DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I met a wonderful person. I spent roughly three months with him in a budding relationship. My issue is that one night he said those three little words, and I panicked and disappeared from his life. I know it was a horrible and cowardly thing to do. I just didn't know how to handle it other than ask him why and saying, "You can't mean me, right?"

I have felt horrible that I vanished without any explanation and most likely hurt him. I really would like to apologize for my actions and immaturity. He didn't deserve that type of treatment. I recently found his address and wonder if it would be all right to send an apology, or if it would be best not to open potential wounds. -- DISAPPEARED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISAPPEARED: Because you feel an apology and an explanation are in order, I see no harm in offering them. However, before you do, think this through. Is there more to this than a guilty conscience? Because years have passed, you both may be at different places in your lives than you were then. One or both of you may be married or involved with others. So before you do this, be absolutely sure not only of your motivations, but also of your expectations.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently had discussions with friends and family about the best way to express concern for someone who is facing major surgery. Some say they'd prefer hearing about others who have undergone similar procedures successfully. (But might that set expectations that can't be met, since not all procedures and physical circumstances are the same?) Or is it best to keep comments general? For example: "You will be in my thoughts/prayers/heart," or "I hope it goes even better than you hope it will." What's the most helpful way to express concern? -- SENSITIVE SUBJECT

DEAR S.S.: Unless the surgery is for something life-threatening -- in which case the thoughts, prayers and heart are necessary -- keep the message upbeat and positive. Example: "Is there anything I can do for you while you're recuperating?" And if the answer is no, say, "I'll give you a call in a couple of days to see how you're doing, and we'll visit when you're up for company."

DEAR ABBY: If you give a wedding shower gift, is it proper to also give a wedding gift? I have done both for many years, but recently was questioned about why I do it. I told the person that's the way my mother raised me. Was she correct? -- GIFT GIVER IN CONROE, TEXAS

DEAR GIFT GIVER: Your mother raised you right. Weddings and showers are separate events. When attending a shower, it is customary to give the honoree a gift. The same is true for a wedding. That someone has given the bride a shower gift does not mean the person is not supposed to give the couple a wedding gift.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for more than two years. We have been in a long-distance relationship the entire time. I live in California, and he lives in the Midwest. I've been trying to get him out here because I have a job I love, and he could easily get a job in his sector out here.

His issue is that this area has "too many people and is too fast-paced" for him. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to quit my job and move there. Finding a job there wouldn't be easy since construction is not booming as much. What do I do? Do I just give up my job, or keep trying to convince him to move? Or should I cut my losses and start over? -- LONG-DISTANCE DATING

DEAR LONG DISTANCE: I don't think you should give up a job you love in an environment you enjoy on the chance that this two-year relationship might become permanent. If it goes nowhere, where does that leave you? It's time to ask yourself whether you really want to tie your future to someone who prefers a different way of life. Once you answer that question, you will know what to do.

DEAR ABBY: My son has his master's degree in international relations, so he travels to places I will never see. He's in Italy now, and he asked me what I would like for a souvenir. I said I wanted his memories.

I asked him to get a bag and put in it menus, train tickets and bar napkins, and to jot down at night on hotel stationery what he did, saw, how the weather was. I asked him to mention anything different or unusual and collect coasters, valet stubs, anything that would help him share his experiences with me when he gets back.

I said that when we go through all the stuff, I will get my vicarious thrill then -- better that than some "tchotchke" I'd have to dust. Good idea? -- PROUD MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR PROUD MOM: Great idea! As the years go on, those "memory joggers" will let you both relive the adventures he's having now, and they will become increasingly precious. I know it from experience.

DEAR ABBY: My son has his master's degree in international relations, so he travels to places I will never see. He's in Italy now, and he asked me what I would like for a souvenir. I said I wanted his memories.

I asked him to get a bag and put in it menus, train tickets and bar napkins, and to jot down at night on hotel stationery what he did, saw, how the weather was. I asked him to mention anything different or unusual and collect coasters, valet stubs, anything that would help him share his experiences with me when he gets back.

I said that when we go through all the stuff, I will get my vicarious thrill then -- better that than some "tchotchke" I'd have to dust. Good idea? -- PROUD MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR PROUD MOM: Great idea! As the years go on, those "memory joggers" will let you both relive the adventures he's having now, and they will become increasingly precious. I know it from experience.

DEAR ABBY: I am sure this issue affects many people, but I have not seen it addressed in your column. Oftentimes married partners are separated by many years in age. Eventually the older of them has to enter a long-term care facility due to a mental/physical defect.

Even though the bond and love that kept them together over the years still exists, the younger still has physical and emotional needs that can no longer be met by the older spouse. What are the ethics in the younger one having a "friend with benefits" to address those needs, if it's done discreetly without causing embarrassment and humiliation to the older spouse? -- FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

DEAR FRIENDS: This is a highly personal decision that no one can make for anyone else. While many readers may disagree, I see nothing wrong with taking care of yourself as long as you remember you have a moral obligation to support your spouse "'til death do you part." To me that means visiting and spending time with your spouse every day to ensure his/her needs are taken care of in a compassionate and diligent manner, and to let the person know he or she is loved.

DEAR ABBY: My son "Travis," age 9, is computer savvy, but his "Luddite" grandparents (my in-laws) live far away from us and don't even have internet access. They are no longer able to travel, and our finances prohibit frequent visits to them.

Travis could be Skyping them, and they could have a vital relationship through the miracle of modern technology. Instead, he will take their phone calls only occasionally, and enjoys the annual visit with them -- but mainly because of the other relatives there.

If these were my parents (who are sadly long gone), I'd set them up on Skype and have them at least try. When his grandparents are no longer able to live on their own and move to assisted living, will that offer at least a hope of virtual connectivity? -- MODERN MAN IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR MODERN MAN: By age 9, if your son isn't interested in talking to his grandparents, and his grandparents make no effort to reach out, do not expect it to happen when he's older and they go into assisted living.

Travis should be compelled to talk to his grandparents more often. If people want to connect, they usually somehow manage to do it through letters, phones, computers, etc. Over the last 20 years, many seniors have learned about computers and manage them quite well. If your in-laws have a smartphone, they could talk to your son on video chat.

DEAR ABBY: I have been playing the piano for five years and I still enjoy it. But over the past year and a half, going for lessons every week and having to practice is getting old for me. In fact, I'm beginning to loathe it. It's not the teacher, it's not my parents -- it's me. I'm just over all of the weekly lessons and having to REMEMBER to practice. My heart isn't in it anymore. What do you think I should do? -- RYAN IN MICHIGAN

DEAR RYAN: You should talk to your teacher about it. After five years of weekly lessons and diligent practice, you should have a pretty solid musical education by now. You may need to take a break, change teachers or even change instruments. Your teacher may have a broader perspective on this than you do, so take your guidance from the pro.

DEAR ABBY: I recently invited an acquaintance to be my guest at a play I'm directing and to the cast party afterward. I like this man, and he's done me a number of favors, so the invitation was a sort of thank-you. I haven't heard one way or the other from the invitee. I don't want to push and make the person uncomfortable, but I'd like to know whether he's coming or not. Should I follow up with him or let it go? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN NEW YORK

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: By not responding to your invitation, the man is letting you know that it's not high on his list of priorities. Personally, I think you should let it go. And if he asks about the play just before it opens, tell him that you made other plans because you thought he wasn't interested. Because you like him, say it nicely. But to leave you hanging is rude.