life

Spreading the Love Makes Valentine's Day a Delight

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 10th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have never received a romantic Valentine, and that's OK with me. With all the sappy movies on TV and the stores blooming in pink and red, we often forget that St. Valentine wasn't the one in love. (He was a Roman priest who married Christian couples and was killed for his trouble.)

My advice to others, particularly singles, is to take a page out of St. Valentine's book and focus not on yourself, but on others. Every year on Feb. 14 I give everyone I encounter a kiddie Valentine, and every year at least one person is delighted. I have been doing this for the last 20 years and my St. Valentine's Days have been happy because of it. It's amazing the difference that focusing on giving rather than receiving can make. (And it works any day of the year.) -- KID AT HEART

DEAR KID: I couldn't agree more with your positive philosophy. Reading your letter lifted my spirits, and I hope it will bring a smile to my readers as it did for me. Thank you for sharing.

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Dentist's Estimate Takes Too Big a Bite Out of Patient's Budget

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 10th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am wondering about the proper way to handle something. I found a dentist I really like and plan to continue seeing for regular cleanings. I asked my dentist to complete an estimate for orthodontic work, and the cost was several thousand dollars. I got a few more estimates and found another company that can do the same work and will charge a lot less.

I plan to go with the least expensive option. However, when I return to the dentist, I'm afraid it will be awkward or that I'll be perceived as rude for not accepting their service bid. Help! -- WHAT'S RIGHT?

DEAR WHAT'S RIGHT?: Talk to the dentist you like and tell him/her you received other estimates for the orthodontic work. Then ask if he/she can match the lower estimate. You may find the dentist is willing to do that. But if not, the dentist will understand that your budget is what dictated your choice to use someone else. That's not rude; it is pennywise.

Health & SafetyMoneyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Man Wants out of Vow Made on His Wedding Day

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 10th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 57-year-old male, married to a nice enough lady, but I am no longer in love with her. We're more like roommates. It has been like this for 15 years.

I want to leave. In fact, I've planned it. But now I feel like, seven years away from retirement, maybe I could stick it out. The thing is, I don't want to. My kids/grandkids are in another state, and I'd like to move there. Should the promise I made to my wife on our wedding day hold me back? -- TORN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TORN: I'm sorry the flame of love has fizzled on your part. Does your wife know how you feel? If she doesn't, you're both overdue for a serious talk.

Before tossing aside your long marriage, you should give marriage counseling a try to see if you can rediscover what attracted you to her in the first place. If that doesn't work, a move for you may be in order. But first, a warning: If you leave their mother, the "kids" may not be as glad to see you as you might assume they will be.

Etiquette & EthicsMarriage & Divorce
life

Playmate Spills the Beans About the Birds and the Bees

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 9th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I had planned to wait until my daughter was 12 and in the sixth grade to teach her about sex. Unfortunately, she was given a very thorough, graphically described education by a playmate. At the time, her playmate was in second grade. My daughter was in the third grade. I was devastated. Not only did I feel she was too young, I felt robbed of an experience that should be cherished between a mother and daughter.

I strongly believe that parents should decide for themselves when to teach their children about sex, and the children should not have the experience forced upon them. The playmate's parents like to think of themselves as progressive and nonconformist. When I confronted the mother, she deflected by becoming offended that I would assume they weren't responsible parents. She defended her daughter by saying, "Kids will talk. I'm sure she wasn't out to ruin your daughter's world." Am I wrong to be so offended? -- OFFENDED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR OFFENDED: Yes. Children do talk, and 12 is far too late for them to start learning about sex. By then they have probably received an abundance of misinformation about it from their friends. Children are naturally curious about the world around them. That's why "the talk" should start as soon as a child begins asking questions. The facts don't have to be given all at once; the conversation should be ongoing, with more information added in an age-appropriate way.

Sex & GenderFamily & Parenting
life

Woman Loses Patience Supporting 'Artist' Boyfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 9th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My "boyfriend" and I are in our mid-40s. Three-and-a-half years ago he was in a bad accident. Because our relationship seemed to be getting serious, he moved into my house. He was planning on returning to construction work a few months later, once his doctor cleared him. Unfortunately, the doctor said he would never be able to resume work in construction. He applied for Social Security Disability and, after two years of paperwork and waiting, he was denied.

He keeps himself busy by painting pictures. Occasionally he sells one or two paintings online or through art shows. However, what he earns is not nearly enough to support himself. I had to take a significant pay cut at work, and I'm having a hard time supporting both of us. My savings are being depleted, and my credit card balance is skyrocketing.

I have told him repeatedly that he needs to get a job. He's not totally disabled. He could work -- he just can't go back to construction. He insists he's going to make it big selling art. I tell him art is his hobby, not his career. I have also told him that I'm a financial wreck and that I'm going to lose my house, but he doesn't care. He says, "Buy a smaller house."

I tell him he has to get a job or move out, but he doesn't do either. I'm ready to sell my house and live in a small apartment by myself. But I can't get him to leave. What can I do? -- OVER THIS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR OVER THIS: Because this man has lived with you for so long, getting him out of there may take the help of a lawyer. He's not an artist; he's an ingrate and a freeloader. Although you are having financial difficulties right now, it will be money well spent. Please don't wait.

Work & SchoolLove & DatingMoney
life

Cutting Off Her Cellphone May Bring Wayward Daughter Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 8th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I need advice on how to deal with my 18-year-old daughter. A few months ago she was ready to go to college. Then she met this guy via Snapchat. He's unemployed, lives with a friend who is under house arrest, has a criminal record and has nothing to offer her.

We took our car away from our daughter to keep her from driving it there. Two weeks ago, she packed her stuff and left with him. She has no job, has spent all of her graduation money and is running up our cellphone bill while living with him. My wife is a wreck, and we don't know what to do. -- DAD IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DAD: I empathize with your concern for your daughter, but she is immature and in love. Because she's 18 you can't drag her back home. Tell her that now she has "declared her independence and moved out," you will no longer pay her cellphone bill. I'm guessing she'll be back in no time.

Family & ParentingTeens
life

Size of Man's Exaggeration Causes Him Angst

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 8th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old male who has been dating a younger girl (28) for a year now. Everything has been great with her except for one thing. I am a virgin.

We recently discussed having relations and both agree that we want to. There's just one problem. I have really talked myself up. I lied and told her I am much larger than I actually am. Abby, I am terrified she'll dump me after she sees me. Please give me some advice. -- NEEDS HELP FAST

DEAR NEEDS HELP: From what my "sexperts" tell me, many men at one time or another needlessly worry about their size. It's very important before you embark on any adventure with this woman that you level with her. Perhaps the story of Pinocchio would be a logical place to start.

Sex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Man Sidesteps Smoking Question by Using an E-Cigarette

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 8th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My 65-year-old husband has been a lifelong smoker. A year ago he started using an e-cigarette. When his doctor asked if he smokes, he insists on telling him "no." I feel it is dishonest and detrimental to his medical records. It makes me crazy. Don't you think that medical personnel should phrase this question: "Do you use nicotine?" Please comment. -- CONCERNED WIFE IN TEXAS

DEAR CONCERNED WIFE: There's a saying, "Never lie to your doctor or your lawyer." It is excellent advice. Your husband is fooling only himself by concealing from his physician that he's still hooked on nicotine.

Whether medical personnel will change the way they phrase that question I can't guarantee. However, because my column is read by many people in the medical profession, I'm willing to bet that after seeing your letter, some of them will.

Etiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety

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