life

Grandma Is Tired of Being a Good Sport and Chauffeur

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 29th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and son-in-law have only one vehicle that is running. He works out of town, so he drives it, which leaves my daughter home all day without transportation.

Earlier in the school year, they signed up my granddaughter for after-school sports and she has to practice every day. Since my daughter has no way to take her, they expect me to pick up my granddaughter and bring her home. This means I have to wait for her for about an hour after I get off work, which delays me an hour or more getting home.

After working all day, I'm tired. I just want to get home and get all the things done that I need to do, so I can rest and get ready for work again the next day. I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated! -- TIRED AND USED

DEAR TIRED: This shouldn't be your responsibility. When your daughter and son-in-law signed up the child for sports, they should have thought it through. Rather than impose upon you, perhaps they should ask the parents of other children in the program if your granddaughter could ride along.

If that's not feasible, consider this: You stated that your son-in-law drives the only running vehicle, which leads me to believe they have another one that's broken down. Could you loan or give them money to put it in working condition? If so, you would be off the hook.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting
life

Apartment Manager Balks at Baby-Sitting Elderly Tenants

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 29th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm the manager of a medium-sized apartment building with several older tenants. As these tenants get older, their needs become greater. When it's time for the children and family to step in, not ALL do. Some think -- and have actually told me -- that giving the manager $20 at Christmas will ensure that Mom/Dad gets to the grocery store, bank and doctor, and the bills are paid all year.

Abby, this is not my family, and I do not feel obligated to take them to run their errands. Their children then tell me, "What am I supposed to do? I don't have time," etc., and I reply that it's their responsibility, not mine.

Is there a legal means to make them take care of their own? Threatening to have them charged with elder abuse doesn't always work. -- NOT A DAY CARE OR RETIREMENT HOME

DEAR NOT A DAY CARE: If you're feeling charitable, make a list of various resources for seniors in your community and offer the information to the "children." Further, neglecting a vulnerable, elderly parent is considered elder abuse, and if that's what's going on, you shouldn't "threaten." You should report it to your county adult protective services office.

Work & SchoolHealth & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Man Won't Stay Away After Breaking Long Engagement

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 29th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was engaged to a man for seven years. Two weeks after we celebrated our seventh anniversary, he decided he didn't love me anymore. We parted a year ago, but he has been texting me, picking me up from work and taking me to lunch or dinner quite a lot lately. We spent one night together, but since then, he hasn't contacted me. What should I do? -- TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT IN HAWAII

DEAR TRYING: Recognize that your former fiance has the sensitivity of a rock. Accept that a rewarding relationship with him is not in the cards, move on and stop looking back.

Love & Dating
life

Unworkable Living Arrangement Weighs Heavily on Young Man

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Earlier this year I moved away from home to move in with my boyfriend. We had been dating for more than a year and were close enough we could see each other whenever our schedules allowed. However, over the last few months I have been second-guessing that decision. I'm noticing things that I realize won't work.

To make matters more complicated, I met a girl who quickly became a good friend three months ago. She has inspired -- and in some ways pushed -- me to go back to college and improve my life. I find myself falling for her. The thing is, she just started dating someone, and I would never betray my partner by being unfaithful.

I don't know what to do. I can see my relationship with my boyfriend is not going to work out, and I know I'm not going to violate my female friend's relationship either. How does someone end a relationship when they live together? And how do I deal with the fear that I'll be miserable being on my own again, and the guilt of breaking my partner's heart? -- MIXED-UP GUY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MIXED-UP GUY: The first thing you need to do is recognize that being unencumbered can be a positive thing, particularly if you are not happy or satisfied with the relationship you are in. The adage "When a door closes, another one opens" is usually true.

Start looking around for alternative living arrangements, and when you find something that will work for you, explain to your boyfriend that you need to "make some changes." It's better for both of you than living a lie.

As to your relationship with the young woman, whether she stays with the person she's dating is something neither of us can predict. When you are single, she may become available. Or, you may meet someone else and start a relationship. Don't be afraid. These are the things that make life interesting.

Friends & NeighborsSex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Mom-to-Be Wants New Traditions for Her New Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 28th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together six years. This Christmas will be our second year as a married couple. On Christmas morning, my husband goes over to his parents' house to open gifts with his siblings. They are all adults; the oldest two are almost 40. (Both are single.) I'm not invited and have never been invited to their home, despite living five minutes away, because his mother is a hoarder.

We are expecting our first child in April. My husband works in law enforcement and is typically not off the entire day on Christmas. He calls me selfish and accuses me of trying to ruin their family tradition when I tell him this needs to end. I do not appreciate my husband taking off on me for four hours every Christmas morning. I want us to start our own traditions. Am I wrong? -- WANTS OUR OWN TRADITIONS

DEAR WANTS: Be thankful you have never been invited to your MIL's home because from your description, the experience wouldn't be pleasant.

Since you and your husband are starting a family now, I see nothing wrong with wanting to start some traditions of your own. However, it doesn't have to be an either/or situation. A way to do that without causing WWIII would be to suggest alternating the Christmas mornings he spends at his parents' house, or schedule your gift exchange for a time when your husband can be with you. Once the baby arrives, holiday plans are bound to change.

Mental HealthFamily & ParentingMarriage & DivorceHolidays & Celebrations
life

Gifts of Liquor to Recovering Alcoholic Are Not Appreciated

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently got my husband back in touch with "Scott," his best friend from adolescence and college. My husband's ex had kept them apart, so this rekindling is extra special and appreciated. I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize it. But Scott's wife makes me very uncomfortable.

She is quiet, reserved, but very manipulative. Neither she nor her husband are drinkers, but she insists on bringing a gift of some form of alcohol every time we see them, which is about once a month.

Abby, I am a recovering alcoholic. I have worked hard for my 11 years of sobriety, and continue to work hard at it every day. Firm, but polite requests I have made to her have fallen upon deaf ears. Speaking to Scott hasn't helped either, because he doesn't stand up to her. My husband also hasn't been able to get through.

He and Scott tell me to accept the gift and throw it away, or give it to another friend. But with addiction, it isn't that easy. I have resorted to inventing excuses not to see them, but I don't like feeling this way.

I believe she gives gifts because it makes her feel good, but at what point does my extreme discomfort trump her happiness? What can I do to get her to understand without ruining this relationship? -- IN A DELICATE SITUATION

DEAR DELICATE: Have you told Scott's wife that you are a recovering alcoholic? If you have, and she persists in gifting you with liquor when they come over, she is attempting to challenge your recovery. (Could her behavior be the reason your husband's former wife kept them apart?)

Your husband's rekindled friendship with Scott would not be ruined if he sees him on a one-to-one basis rather than the four of you socializing as couples. And if the clueless wife hands you another bottle of booze, that's what you should insist upon.

AddictionFriends & Neighbors
life

Lingering Love for Ex Keeps Romance at Bay

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been talking to someone I know is a genuine person, someone who has all the qualities I would want in a lifelong partner. However, I am still in love with my ex.

My ex has moved on but still contacts me, and we do deeply care about each other. I'm afraid if I decide to move forward, I'll always second-guess whether or not I did it for the right reasons. I'm afraid that because of my feelings for my ex, I won't be able to open up to anyone. I also know we would have many issues to resolve if we ever decided to give it another chance.

I guess I'm afraid to let go and afraid to move forward. What should I do? -- EQUALLY TORN IN THE WEST

DEAR EQUALLY TORN: Move forward as your ex has. And while you are at it, put more distance between the two of you. Whether the person you are talking to -- who seems to look good on paper -- is someone you'll wind up with is anybody's guess. So consider taking a break from romance for a while until you get your head straight. You're not there yet, but with time you will be.

Marriage & Divorce

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