life

Friend Enjoys a Free Ride Without the Slightest Thanks

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 18th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired airline employee, and I get passes for my friends and family. I recently provided first-class-eligible round-trip passes from San Diego to Paris to my best friend and her friend. (The fare would have cost them thousands of dollars retail.) The only thing I asked in return was to pick me up a menu, a print or something small that could be packed easily.

They were in Paris for a month, Abby, and they totally forgot me. I am so hurt. Sometimes I want to call them and tell them how I feel. Then I think it wouldn't be a good idea. Frankly, I am angry. What is the best way to handle this? -- UP IN THE AIR

DEAR UP IN THE AIR: I don't blame you for being angry about the thoughtlessness and ingratitude they displayed. Your feelings are justified, and you should clear the air by explaining that you were hurt. You have every right to tell your friend how you feel. And the next time you are asked to give them a free ride, you have every right to just say "non."

Friends & NeighborsMoney
life

Neighbors Send Brothers as a Package Deal for Sleepover

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 18th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping you can guide me on how to handle a sticky situation with my neighbors.

My 9-year-old son has befriended a kid his age. The boy is nice and I don't mind him coming over. However, he has a younger brother the parents always send with him, and the boy is very hyper and aggressive. I work full time as a behavior specialist and deal with hyperactive children all day. The last thing I want when I come home is a hyper child I cannot parent.

My son recently invited his friend to sleep over, and the parents sent both boys. How do I let them know that sometimes just the older brother is welcome without hurting their feelings? -- NOT WANTING TO OFFEND

DEAR NOT WANTING: Hurting their feelings? The parents are using your invitations to the older boy as a baby-sitting opportunity for the younger one. I don't think it would be rude to tell them you can handle only one child at a time, and to please refrain from sending the little brother to your home unless he is specifically invited.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics
life

Men Are Turned off by Lack of Trust

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 18th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am struggling with trust in my relationships. I haven't found a faithful man in any of the relationships I've had in the last five years, and it has made me gun shy. Now, each time I try to date, I look for any small indication that he could be cheating, which leads to jealousy and drives men away.

How do I learn to trust again? Should I delete all social media? Should I just stop trying to date altogether? I am so frustrated and tired of getting hurt. -- WOUNDED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WOUNDED: Putting ourselves out there is risky. There can be many disappointments before a person finds the right match. (Men also become frustrated and gun shy.)

Your luck might improve if you become serious less quickly and let relationships evolve without looking for commitment or signs of betrayal. If a man acts responsibly, does what he says he will and treats you with respect, give him the benefit of the doubt and the chances are your luck may change. If you're unable to do this, some sessions with a licensed professional counselor may help.

Love & Dating
life

Kids Lobby Mom to Return Long-Overdue Child Support

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 17th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced and remarried mother of two adult children. Both live on their own and have decent jobs. After the divorce, I managed to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table and provide college for my children. My ex-husband, their father, sporadically paid child support, which resulted in an arrearage owed for the past nine years.

Recently, I received a substantial sum of the balance I was owed for back child support. My dilemma is that my children feel that because their father is having financial problems (finances were always his issue), I should give the money back to him because I am financially secure.

Abby, they are ignoring everything I had to do to support them while they were still dependents and my responsibility. Add into that their health care, extracurricular activities, Christmases and birthdays, etc., when he said he didn't have money.

I feel I have every right to keep the money. I have told this to my kids, but they are mad at me because I can't seem to get the message across. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. -- FLUSTERED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLUSTERED: You were divorced from this man for good reason. Your responsibility to him ended when the divorce was finalized. What you have received for shouldering the entire responsibility for raising your children is yours and yours alone. Do not apologize to anyone for what you prefer to do with the money. And for your sake, please don't allow yourself be trapped or guilted into doing anything against your better judgment.

Marriage & DivorceMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Sister Refuses Help With Her Chinny Chin Chin

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 17th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I love my sister. She's well-educated, intelligent and fun, but she has let herself go. We are both in our 60s and, unfortunately, those pesky whiskers are starting to appear on our faces. She recently had surgery and when I visited her, I noticed a lot of hairs sprouting from her chin. I offered to pluck them or take her to a spa and have them removed when she had a facial. She refused!

My friends and I have made a pact to pluck each other's whiskers if we are ever in a hospital and can't do it ourselves. Should I just let it go or, the next time I see her, remind her that many people would be put off if they saw her? Or is it just me? -- WHISKERLESS SISTER

DEAR WHISKERLESS: It's not "just you." Depilatories are popular because most American women wouldn't want to be caught dead with obvious facial hair.

Your letter brought back memories, one of which was my mother telling me that her first executive assistant, Katie, had made Mama promise that in the event of Katie's demise, Mama would bring a razor to the viewing and, while standing at the casket, "whisk" off her mustache so no one would see it.

Not knowing your sister, I can't say whether she was in so much pain from her surgery that she didn't want to add to it by being plucked. Talk to her again when she's feeling better and she may offer up her chin. If not, love her the way she is -- fur and all -- because she's happy that way.

Family & Parenting
life

Booklet Gives Easy Tutorial on How to Write a Letter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 16th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a freshman in college, blessed to have an internship in the office of a nonprofit organization. As time goes by, and as trust is built, I am being given more responsibilities. One of them is writing letters for various purposes -- thank-you letters, invitations, congratulatory letters, etc.

When I was in high school, I was never taught the format for how to write these kinds of letters. I get confused about spacing and how to address people with titles. It's a shame that technology has left my generation so clueless on how to do important stuff. Is there a resource for letter writing available from you? I need it because I feel awkward always having to ask other staff members. -- CLUELESS INTERN IN ALGONQUIN, ILL.

DEAR INTERN: Judging from the high volume of mail I receive, letter composition is something that many people besides you struggle with. I publish a booklet called "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," and among the topics it covers are how to address a senator, member of Congress, clergyperson, etc. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Keep it in your desk drawer and dip into it as needed. My letters booklet also contains helpful suggestions for writing letters of congratulations, and letters about difficult subjects to address, such as letters of condolence for the loss of a parent, spouse or child, as well as warm thank-you notes for birthday, shower, wedding and holiday gifts.

My letters booklet provides an assist for anyone who needs a quick and easy tutorial. It has also proven to be particularly helpful for parents to use as a way to easily teach children how to write using proper etiquette.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Truth Be Told: Lying to Boyfriend Is a Big Red Flag

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 16th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I love him deeply, but I have lied to him about certain things. I feel guilty about it, but I can't bring myself to tell him the truth because he has a temper.

One lie I told was that I was laid off from my previous job, but I really quit. He didn't want me quitting, but I did it for my own good. I was having a nervous breakdown, and all I felt were negative thoughts when I worked there. Although I found a better job months later, I never summoned up the courage to tell him the truth.

We don't live together. I'm 24 and he's 26. Do you think this lack of communication is a reason to break up, or am I being too sensitive about his temper? He doesn't abuse me, but he won't talk to me if he doesn't have things his way. -- UNSURE IN THE WEST

DEAR UNSURE: I'm glad you're not living together because if you were, your problem would have serious ramifications. Your boyfriend may not be physically abusive, but he IS controlling. Subjecting you to the silent treatment is emotionally abusive, and so was deciding "for" you that you should remain at a job that's stressful and unpleasant.

You may love this man deeply, but from my perspective the relationship isn't a healthy one. If you want to end it, you are justified.

Love & DatingWork & SchoolAbuse

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