DEAR ABBY: I went to the market the other day, and there was a woman sitting on the sidewalk with two children -- a boy who looked to be about 6 and a girl about 2. She was holding a sign asking for help ($). I wanted so badly to say something to her about what a poor example she was setting for her children by begging. It made me angry because I imagine she's using her kids as "props" to evoke sympathy.

This is a nice area. I would think she could better present herself to her kids by looking for a job! What would have been an appropriate comment to make to her that might help put her on the right track to show her kids how to grow up to be responsible people who work for a living? -- LOOKING OUT FOR CHILDREN IN IRVINE, CALIF.

DEAR LOOKING: It's wrong to assume anything when you see someone who is panhandling. The woman you saw could have been homeless, drug-addicted, short on money or mentally ill. She could also have fled an abusive husband or partner. That's why it's inappropriate to scold or lecture a panhandler.

If you had said anything at all, you might have offered that there are dozens of shelters and organizations in Irvine that help the unfortunate, and if she reached out to them, she might find the help she needs to get settled and find a job.

DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old grandson, "Joey," is the light of my life. He's outgoing, compassionate, smart and fun. The "problem" is, he prefers girl things to boy things, and has since he was old enough to express his wants. Fashion, makeup, hairstyles -- he is the expert. His parents grumble, but realize that he can be who he is and be happy, or they can try to change him and he will turn out to be neurotic.

The issue is with the father of a friend of his who will not accept who Joey is. The man yells at Joey for playing with girl things and tells his son to tell on Joey when he does girl things.

Abby, this man is the principal of a middle school. As a retired educator, I want to speak with him about his behavior and the effect it can have on a young child. What could I say that might make him realize that this is not only detrimental to Joey, but to all those young minds he helps to shape on a daily basis? -- LIGHT OF MY LIFE

DEAR LIGHT: Joey's parents should talk to that man and demand that he stop bullying their son. They should warn him that if he scapegoats a child at his school that way, he could wind up in front of the school board and lose his job. He's not only discriminating, but also encouraging the scapegoating of at-risk children. And, I'm sad to say, Joey's parents should probably curtail their son's friendship with the man's son.

DEAR ABBY: My brother and his wife have been married 3 1/2 years and have an 18-month-old daughter. My sister-in-law, "Barb," is either very rude or passive-aggressive to our mother in emails and when she thinks no one is around.

At Christmas, Barb sends out an email detailing what we are and are not allowed to buy for their daughter. If we can't do exactly what she wants, she threatens to cancel Christmas. This includes asking her permission before we buy any toys. Barb tells my mom that because her mother doesn't have much money, Mom can't spend more than her mother does. So, because my family has a little more money, we are being punished.

Barb is extremely demeaning and hurtful to us. I can't understand why my brother allows it. My husband and I are sick and tired of her acting this way, and the way she treats my mother is cruel. I'm tempted to confront her about how she has ruined Christmas for my parents. She basically doesn't allow us to have feelings, and I can't believe we are standing for it. Help! -- HOLIDAY HOSTAGE

DEAR HOSTAGE: Your sister-in-law may be telling your parents not to spend more money on gifts for the grandchild because she doesn't want her mother to be embarrassed. However, if her rude behavior extends beyond that, rather than take her on, the person you should "confront" about it is your brother.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are in the process of ordering our wedding invitations, and the phrase "the honor of your presence is requested" versus "the pleasure of your company is requested" is causing a problem.

The woman at the store insists we use the latter because the ceremony won't be in a church. My research on the internet says if the ceremony is a religious one, the phrase "the honor of your presence" is appropriate, and it is also our preference. However, if the ceremony is a civil one, the "pleasure of your company is requested" is the preferred one.

Our minister will be performing the ceremony in the gazebo at the country club. Although it's not a church, the ceremony will certainly be religious. What's the proper etiquette on this issue? Invitations are on hold until I hear from you. -- DONNA IN FLORIDA

DEAR DONNA: The salesperson at the store is mistaken. The wording on your wedding invitation is not determined by whether you are being married in a church.

I ran your letter by Lisa Grotts, a San Francisco Bay-area certified etiquette expert, who had this to say:

"The wording of wedding invitations varies, depending upon who is hosting the wedding, i.e., the parents of the bride or groom. If the bride's parents are hosting, then the phrase 'the honor of your presence' is correct. However, if you and your fiance (or other family members) are hosting the wedding, then the more modern terminology 'the pleasure of your company' is preferable."

DEAR ABBY: My 34-year-old daughter, "Martha," is a single mom. I adore my granddaughter. Martha needs me to give her $500 a month, plus cover emergencies (new tires, hospital bills for baby, etc.) in order to get by. She has said repeatedly that she wants to have another baby before she's 35.

Abby, it's a financial burden to help her as much as we have. My husband (her stepdad) believes, along with me, that we should help until her finances improve. Martha is awash in student debt and has a low-paying job. She lives 12 hours away, so we have to fly out to see them, which means we don't see them often.

My question: How can I tell her that having a second baby when she can't support the first is something I can't handle financially? I am becoming resentful. Our retirement has been dismal because all our money is going to her.

My daughter has a hair-trigger temper and would use access to my granddaughter as leverage to keep the money coming. I'm appalled that she's in this position and upset that I have to pay for her choices. -- APPALLED IN OHIO

DEAR APPALLED: You DON'T have to pay for your daughter's choices. Tell Martha that as an adult it is her responsibility -- not yours -- to provide for herself and her child, and that if she becomes pregnant before her finances improve to the point that she's self-supporting, not to expect one more penny from you.

Please consider starting to reduce the amount you give her and set a deadline beyond which you will no longer supplement her income. Martha may need to find a second job, but that's better than you spending all your retirement money shouldering her responsibilities.

Expect her to be angry. If she threatens to blackmail you with access to your grandchild, tell her that the person she'll be punishing is the little one, not you, and stick to your guns.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has purchased different pieces of equipment over the years. He recently bought a small tractor that he's very proud of and enjoys using around our property. He also has purchased a large trailer that he often uses to haul his equipment and other things.

His problem is friends who seem to think they can help themselves to his stuff. They actually have the audacity to say, "I may borrow your tractor, trailer, etc., tomorrow." I find this to be rude in that they are not asking -- they are telling him they will.

I told him to say he doesn't loan his equipment out, but he can't seem to be able to say that. Do you have a good comeback that he could use without offending his friends? -- FRAZZLED WIFE

DEAR FRAZZLED: You, not your husband, appear to be the person with the problem. Nowhere in your letter did you mention that HE thinks he has one. If he resents what these friends are doing, a solution might be for him to tell them to talk to YOU about borrowing the equipment, so you can refuse for him.

A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: If your little ones will be out trick-or-treating tonight, please be sure they are supervised to assure their safety.