life

Man's House Isn't Big Enough for Wife's Many Grandchildren

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 28th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my wife for 16 years. She has a grown daughter who's the mother of eight kids, but she only has five with her at this time.

My problem is, the daughter got evicted, and all of a sudden she brought her belongings to the house. She didn't ask or anything, she just showed up with the five kids and they are driving me up the wall. I already have two adolescent kids, so seven ain't heaven.

I have tried to talk with my wife, but she doesn't listen. I'm fed up, Abby, and I'm looking for other accommodations. They have been here for two weeks and -- by the way -- my sons are now in school while her five are running wild in the house. Am I wrong for leaving? -- NEEDS MY OWN SPACE

DEAR NEEDS: Not in my book. Your mistake was in letting your wife's daughter's eviction become your problem. I don't know whose name is on the lease or title to your place, but it's time to discuss this with an attorney. If you don't, you may have more trouble getting the woman and her brood out of there in the future.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Old Friend's New Drinking Habits Become Embarrassment in Public

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 28th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My friend whom I have known since we were 8-year-olds (we're now in our 50s) is driving me bonkers. She has started drinking a lot and hanging out with younger people and dating younger guys. I have loaned her quite a bit of money because she can barely get by. I don't drink, and I hate seeing what she's doing to herself. I think she is having trouble with the aging process.

She has now started to embarrass me when she drinks in public. She doesn't handle it well and relies on me to get her out of sticky situations. I'm really tired of all this. I have told her how I feel, but she knows I'll come to her rescue. -- TIRED GUARDIAN ANGEL

DEAR TIRED: Draw the line. Tell her you are her friend, but not her chaperone, and you will socialize with her only if she limits her intake to nonalcoholic beverages. One of the signs of alcoholism is when the drinking interferes with the drinker's relationships -- and clearly, this is what's happening. Do not allow her to continue making her drinking your problem because you cannot control it. Only she can do that.

MoneyHealth & SafetyFriends & Neighbors
life

Participation Is Restricted in Family's Holiday Photo

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 28th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: At holiday time, my husband's family takes a photo of all the brothers and sisters and insists that the spouses not be included in the photo. The first time it happened, I thought it was rude, but after 40 years, I have gotten used to it. However, my daughter-in-law, who is new to the family, was hurt by it. Am I wrong in thinking this is rude? -- IN OR OUT OF THE PICTURE

DEAR IN OR OUT: I don't think you're wrong. When people are excluded, they don't feel accepted as part of the family -- and they're right. Are more photos taken that include all family members including husbands, wives and children? And if not, why would the spouses tolerate it for 40 years without speaking up?

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Learning Disability Could Be Root of Dropout's Problems

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 18 and a freshman in college. My 16-year-old brother is supposed to be a junior in high school, but he's still taking freshman classes. He has gone to school maybe twice this year. He just gave up and dropped out.

All he does is stay home, sleep and text all day. It makes me angry because I don't work right now, but I clean, cook, do laundry and take care of my younger siblings while he does absolutely nothing.

Mom has given up on him. She begs him to go to school and get an education, but he yells at her and tells her he doesn't care and he'll just become a hobo. I don't know what to say to him to get it through his head that he needs to finish high school. What would you do? -- BIG SISTER IN NEW YORK

DEAR BIG SISTER: If your brother is a junior and still taking freshman classes, he belongs back in school. He may be lazy, but he may also have learning disabilities. If he doesn't get the help he needs to earn a diploma, he'll be virtually unemployable by the time he's 18. Your mother should visit his school and talk to his teachers and the principal about this. As it stands, your brother may be considered "truant," which is against the law.

Work & SchoolFamily & ParentingTeens
life

Man's Attraction to Younger Women Is More Physical Than Emotional

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am 47 years old and date younger, usually very attractive women. I live in New York City, so they tend to be models. I haven't been married because I feel like I haven't met "the one." I have been with one or two women who could have been the one, only to find out my feelings weren't reciprocated. But more often I don't feel an emotional/intellectual connection, so I end the relationship.

While I might be able to resolve that issue by dating women in their late 30s and 40s, I'm more physically attracted to younger women. Because I don't look my age, I have yet to reach the point where I look "too old" for women in their 20s to be attracted.

Do I continue to follow my male instincts and date younger women, or should I date women closer to my age to whom I may not be as physically attracted, knowing there's still no guarantee I'll meet someone with whom I'll find a stronger connection? -- LIKES 'EM YOUNGER

DEAR LIKES: Forgive me for answering your question with a question, but what do you really want in a relationship? The problem with youth is that it doesn't last. As the years go by, we get older -- if we're lucky. That's why it's time to start listing your priorities, with the help of a licensed mental health professional, if necessary. (There are many well-qualified ones in your city.) I urge you to do it soon, before you start looking like your date's rich uncle. While marriage may not be for everyone, it's a known fact that married men live longer.

Love & Dating
life

Girlfriend Still in Closet Is Taking Her Time to Come Out

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 26th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a lesbian currently dating a woman who is still in the closet. She now identifies as bisexual. We have been dating for about a year.

The issue is that she is still in contact with a lot of her ex-boyfriends. I don't expect her to come out of the closet on my time. However, I do have a problem with her talking to ex-boyfriends when they don't know she's in a relationship. She thinks I'm overreacting. However, she has admitted that she'd have a problem with me talking to exes and not bringing up the fact I'm in a relationship.

She has finally admitted that I am a friend and introduced me to her family and one other friend. It took a lot of work to get that far. I am demanding that she acknowledge -- at the very least -- that she is in a relationship. I'm not demanding she tell them it's with a girl. I don't want to date someone who is ashamed of me.

Most of the time when she talks to an ex, new romantic interests don't seem to come up. I would prefer that she tell them right away, although she argues it isn't the right time to randomly bring it up in a conversation. I no longer trust her to care more about my feelings than her interests. Should I say goodbye to this one? -- DATING IN SILENCE

DEAR DATING IN SILENCE: Yes. If, after a year of dating, your girlfriend is still hiding your relationship, I think that's exactly what you should do. LGBT people come out in their own way, in their own time. If this difference in where the two of you are is a deal-breaker, you should move on and find someone more compatible.

Sex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Tattoo of Boyfriend's Name Earns Mixed Review

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 26th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: For the last seven years I have been in a long-distance relationship. I see him every three months. He is divorced and a workaholic. I love him very much, and he says he also loves me.

I had put a tattoo of his name on my hip. This time when he visited, I showed it to him. When I did, he was shocked. He said he was flattered, but thought it was "a bit much." Then he said he would never tattoo someone's name on himself unless he first asked permission.

I told him that I really love him, and even if something happened and we broke up for some reason that it was all right. I said I am 60 years old, and it was my body and my decision, and that I did it for myself because I will never love another man the way I love him.

Abby, do you think I should have asked him first? Do you think maybe he doesn't love me as much as he says he does? Please help me understand this. -- TATTOO IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR TATTOO: You are an adult, and at age 60 you should not have to ask anyone's permission to get a tattoo. If, after seven years, you see this man only every three months, it should be plain by now that he's not interested in a closer relationship.

Most men would be flattered that you got the tattoo, unless they were afraid it might somehow reveal that you are lovers. Are you absolutely sure this man is divorced? Your situation is so peculiar that it's time you did some double-checking. Better late than never.

Love & Dating

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