life

Woman's Disappearing Act Ends Four-Year Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 20th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was "ghosted" by a woman I had been in a long-distance relationship with. It lasted four years until one day she just never responded again.

We are both parents, both 30, so it's hard for me to understand how someone could do this to a person you've had a history with and claim to love. It seems like a child's reaction. I'm finding it hard to move past this, because I have no idea what happened.

I feel blindsided. Could she have been hurt or died? I have no one to contact and no way to know. My question is, how does one go about moving past this, since it wasn't a typical breakup? I would really appreciate your thoughts. -- CAN'T GO FORWARD

DEAR CAN'T GO: What the person did was cowardly, but I'm sorry to say it isn't that unusual these days. What is unusual is that during the four years you were in a relationship, you never met any of her friends or family, and have no idea how to contact her. Are you absolutely sure she is who she claimed to be and not a catfisher?

I agree that for someone to do what she did was childish. It was also brutal, and you may need counseling to help you get over it and learn to trust again.

Love & Dating
life

Banning Dog From New Wood Floors Mars Family Relations

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 20th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My question may seem odd, but your advice would be appreciated.

I have family who live in another city and have a medium-sized active dog. I have invited them to visit me in my newly built home, which has soft pine floors throughout. I mentioned to them that I would like to supply dog booties when they visit so their dog's claws -- and the grit that gets caught up between its toes -- would not scratch my brand-new floors. We are a family who has always removed our shoes when we enter a home.

I have tried inviting them numerous times over the past two years, but they always have an excuse why they can't visit. Another family member told me that a comment was made that, "If we have to put booties on our dog and they want a showcase home, then it will be empty of us." Am I being silly and too particular with my request and thereby causing ill feelings within the family? -- DOG BOOTIES IN CANADA

DEAR DOG BOOTIES: Your request is neither picky nor "silly." After paying top dollar for a new floor, I know I certainly wouldn't want somebody's pet scratching it up. A considerate guest would either comply or leave the dog at home. If they prefer not to accept your invitation, LET THEM.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics
life

Vegan Diet Doesn't Mesh With Grandmother's Home Cooking

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 20th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I love to cook for my family. My granddaughter has now become a vegan. It has taken away my enjoyment for the fun meals we used to have. I can no longer cook for her, and it has changed the family dynamics. How can I cope with this without being angry? -- SAD DOWN SOUTH

DEAR SAD: Allow me to offer two suggestions. Either have your granddaughter bring food with her that she can eat, or widen your repertoire by learning to prepare one vegan dish the entire family can enjoy along with her.

Family & ParentingHealth & Safety
life

Woman Wants Photographer Boyfriend to Focus on Her

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 19th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are mature adults who enjoy photography. He brings his camera when we go to the beach or sporting events -- even to the store. He's learning all the time about how to use light correctly and his zoom lens.

When we get back and I download the pics from his camera, the majority of shots are of women's chests, behinds and pretty faces. He has snapped many of them while they were standing right next to me. (There are very few shots of me -- ever.)

When I ask if he wants me to delete the photos, he says no. I don't understand why he would keep pictures of strangers. He says he's like any photographer -- he likes to review his photos. I tell him it hurts my feelings to think he enjoys looking at other women more than at me. It would be different if they were beautiful portraits, but they're not. It is painful that I'm not included. Am I wrong to feel unimportant and ignored? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE

DEAR OUT: You are entitled to your feelings, and they may be justified. Because you identify this man as your boyfriend, I assume you have an exclusive relationship. There will always be women around who are younger and prettier. That's life. Because you can't control his taste in subjects, my advice is to quit downloading his pictures for him if they make you uncomfortable.

Love & Dating
life

Man With Loving Nature Lacks High Libido

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 19th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have a loving relationship. He is affectionate -- hugging, kissing, etc. But he doesn't have a high libido, which I am concerned about because he's only 26.

He has confessed to me he's had relations with men in the past, and I'm thinking he may be bisexual. While that does not concern me whatsoever (after all, it's one thing to be attracted to someone and another thing entirely to cheat), I worry that he thinks he couldn't share this with me, and that it may lead to lies. I am also worried that if I confront him with this, he may be offended or think I think less of him. What should I do? -- LOVING RELATIONSHIP IN MICHIGAN

DEAR LOVING: You and your fiance are overdue for a frank talk. He has told you that he has had more than one same-sex relationship, so it's fair to consider him to be bisexual. That he didn't use that word doesn't mean he was dishonest. We communicate with our actions as well as verbally.

That you have continued your relationship after learning about his sexual history should indicate to him that you don't think less of him. As to the strength of his libido, no two individuals are alike. If he is able to provide you with what you need, I don't think you need to be concerned. If not -- as I said before, you have to talk with him about it.

Love & DatingSex & Gender
life

Direct Approach Is Best for Woman Seeking Financial Aid

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 19th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: How do you get a man to help you financially? -- ANONY-MISS IN BEVERLY HILLS

DEAR ANONY-MISS: Tell him you need his help and hope he's the type who likes rescuing women.

Money
life

Woman's Move to New State Doesn't Bring New Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I moved to a new state two years ago, mostly because I had a friend who lived here part-time. I have distanced myself from many of the people she has introduced me to because they all talk about each other behind their backs. They also don't work many hours and start drinking very early in the day.

The other night I had my friend and her husband over for dinner with my boyfriend and me. For most of the night she was on the phone Facebooking and texting pictures of my dinner table to people I don't bother with. There was absolutely no conversation between the two of us that night. When I said something about her being on the phone, her answer was that she was answering her Facebook messages. I found it extremely rude.

Because I have distanced myself from others around here, I'm not sure if I should say anything to her because if I do, it will mean I won't have any friends around at all. What do you think? -- AFTERTHOUGHT IN FLORIDA

DEAR AFTERTHOUGHT: Birds of a feather flock together. You made a huge mistake in giving up your old life to follow this "friend," who appears to not only lack basic manners, but also to be indifferent to your feelings. It's time to either start making new friends with people who think and act more like you do, or return where you came from so you can be with folks with whom you have more in common.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Distance Keeps Good Divorce on Friendly Footing

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a happily divorced mother of two and have a wonderful life. I have a great relationship with my ex. He's a wonderful father, and I'm grateful for that. We never fight and I always try to keep the peace.

He is remarried to a lovely woman and has another child with her, an adorable little boy. I consider him to be my children's brother and make sure to buy him birthday and holiday gifts. I ask my children which milestones he has conquered and Facetime with him, too.

I'm writing because my grandmother, whom I love dearly, thinks I am not being nice and that I should go inside when I pick up my children and visit with the baby. She constantly asks me what my ex and his wife are doing. I always tell her I have no idea, and that it's not my business.

I respect and want boundaries. I want to raise our children together and see them at our children's events, birthdays, etc. How can I get my grandma to understand that I'm in a good place and glad that my ex is, too? I'm not interested in knowing where he is every second. Grandma is a very tough, strong, wonderful lady who loves your column. -- MOVED ON IN THE SOUTH

DEAR MOVED ON: You seem like a healthy, well-adjusted woman. Point out to your grandmother that the good relationship you enjoy with your ex and his wife is based on the fact that you don't ask questions or meddle in their lives. Suggest that if Grandma wants to know how they are and what they're doing that she pick up a phone and ask them herself. That way, the person they will avoid will be her and not you. Repeat that message as needed.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting

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