life

Divorce Stories Cause Woman to Pause on Path to Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 6th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years, although we have known each other for almost seven years now. He is sweet, compassionate, always puts me first and is the best friend and romantic partner I could ever wish for.

My question is, is two years too soon to know that I want to spend my life with him? We have discussed getting married and we would both like to, but I have heard countless stories about couples divorcing because they didn't wait long enough before getting married, and I don't want to be one of those people. Please help. -- LOVING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LOVING: In many cases, two years is long enough for a couple to meet, know they are compatible, become engaged and marry. Having known this man for a total of seven years, I would like to think that you have had a chance to observe him in many situations and possibly in other relationships. I would hope that you have both dated others and gained some experience.

What concerns me is that you felt the need to write and ask me this question, because it makes me wonder if you are completely convinced that your marriage would last forever. Premarital counseling might put your mind at ease, and that's what I recommend.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Wife Hides the Truth Behind Tattoo's Origin

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 6th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years. He keeps asking about a tattoo I have on my ankle and making fun of it. The tattoo is small and has my initials, or so I tell him. I think he knows I'm lying. A guy I dated had the same initials and we got matching tattoos, but I have never admitted it to my husband. Am I lying? Should I tell him whose initials those really are? -- INITIALLY CONFUSED

DEAR INITIALLY CONFUSED: Many people today have tattoos, and some of them include the names or initials of former boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses. You should have fessed up at the time you were being married. The problem with lying about something as trivial as this is that it makes one wonder what else you would lie about.

I see several possible solutions: First, tell your husband the truth. The second would be to have the tattoo removed. The third would be to add your married initial to the ones already on your ankle, at which point they WILL be your initials and yours alone -- unless you're still using your maiden name.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Agnostics in Need of Help Should Seek Out Secular Counseling

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 6th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have noticed that you often tell people to talk to a spiritual adviser. As an agnostic, I am curious whom you would recommend I speak to. -- RICK IN DENVER

DEAR RICK: In a case like yours, talk to someone who is not personally or emotionally involved with you, such as a licensed counselor.

Mental Health
life

To Tell or Not to Tell: Man's Co-Workers Cheat on Wives

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 5th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband travels frequently with a work crew. It is not unusual for them to be gone for months at a time. During these absences, some of the married men on this crew cheat on their wives, who are at home with their children.

I feel guilty knowing they are cheating. I don't want them bringing home any sexually transmitted diseases to their unsuspecting spouses. My husband says I should stay out of it because it's not my business, but I feel bad saying nothing.

Should I speak to the wives? I have seen the cheating firsthand, so I'm certain it is happening. I would want to know if it were me. -- TORN IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR TORN: You have a moral dilemma, one that I can't decide for you. It is extremely important that you talk further with your husband about this. While I respect your motivation to disclose what you have seen to the wives, before doing anything you must carefully consider what the consequences could be. If you do what you are contemplating, your husband is sure to be ostracized by his co-workers. He could lose his job, and you your marriage.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & EthicsWork & SchoolMarriage & Divorce
life

Dad Is One-Sided Referee in Sons' Brotherly Disputes

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 5th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl with two younger brothers. They fight all the time, which I understand is normal. The problem is, my dad favors my youngest brother. If there's a conflict between my brothers, he always punishes the oldest whether he deserves it or not. I have come to realize this is because of my dad's own bad relationship with his older brother and that this is his way of getting revenge.

It's taking a toll on my brother emotionally because he already struggles with school and sports. I'm afraid he will become depressed. My mom will never speak up about it, and when I do, despite my good relationship with my dad, he punishes me. Sometimes I'm afraid he'll become violent. I feel boxed in, Abby. Please help. -- STUCK SISTER

DEAR SISTER: You're a brave girl, and I'm glad you wrote. Regardless of how dysfunctional your father's relationship may have been with his older brother, it does not give him the right to abuse your brother. Your mother may be afraid of your father or she would have put a stop to it years ago.

You say you are afraid your father will become violent with you, which suggests that you have seen it happen to other family members. If you try to discuss this further with your dad, you might be at risk for violence.

It's important that you find an adult you trust who can intervene on your brother's behalf -- a teacher, a relative or even a neighbor. Another strong male may be what it takes to protect your brother.

P.S. If this doesn't solve the problem, please write to me again and let me know.

Mental HealthTeensFamily & Parenting
life

Baby Clothes Inheritance Plan Is Spoiled by Sibling Rivalry

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 4th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have a brother and a sister. I'm the oldest. My husband and I have a 3-year-old child and no plans for more children.

We have been blessed to be able to afford nice things for our daughter, and I have saved them in the hope of giving them to my brother and his fiancee, who are being married this year. My brother and I are very close, and I love his fiancee. They are not financially well off, so I know it would mean a lot to them.

Now something unexpected has happened. My sister -- the youngest -- just announced that she's engaged and is being married in three months. She plans on having children ASAP, whereas my brother and his fiancee want to wait a year or two after the wedding.

My mom and my sister say whoever has a baby girl first is entitled to all my stuff, but I don't want to give all my "treasures" to my sister. We have never gotten along, and she wouldn't appreciate them like my brother would. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? What should I do? -- FEELING COERCED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FEELING COERCED: Cross your fingers and hope your sister's production line produces all boys. (Just kidding.) Your baby items belong to you, not your mother and not your sister. No one is "entitled" to them. If you prefer to give them to your brother's wife, that's your privilege. Your reasons seem valid to me.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Adults Give Teen Couple Low Odds of Staying Together

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 4th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and have been in a relationship with "Zane" for three years. We get along beautifully, but of course we have our issues to work through. What upsets me is adults who think our relationship isn't real because I'm under 18. No, Zane and I don't have bills to pay or children to raise, but we talk to each other. That's what I have always thought is the most important thing between two people.

We have fun together, go to church and have meaningful discussions about almost everything. The only thing my divorced parents agree on is that they both love Zane. We know our relationship isn't perfect, but we're committed to working on it, becoming closer and understanding each other.

But I keep getting comments from teachers, my friends' parents, strangers and even Zane's grandma about how we should be prepared for our romance not to last because we're so young. It's annoying and disheartening. How can I prove to these "non-believers" that teens feel love and can have stable relationships, too? -- SERIOUSLY IN LOVE IN MAINE

DEAR SERIOUSLY IN LOVE: I don't blame you for feeling frustrated, because being patronized is annoying. The way to prove to "non-believers" that they are wrong is simply to continue successfully in your relationship. You appear to be mature, grounded and treat each other well. I don't know what your plans are for after high school, but if you keep the lines of communication open, I see no reason why this couldn't lead to marriage one day -- and a good one, based on mutual respect and compromise.

TeensLove & Dating

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