DEAR ABBY: When my husband was a teenager, he had an ongoing affair with his mother's 20-plus-years-older friend "Nicolle." He would call her by a nickname to signal he wanted sex.

Fast-forward three decades. His family, unaware of their illicit and illegal relationship, regularly invites Nicolle to our family functions. They even call her by that pet nickname, unaware of the connotations.

Their affair ended years before I met my husband. But whenever she is around, she follows him like a lost puppy. How do I get over being uncomfortable and angry at her? I know the truth, but she doesn't know I know. And, of course, my husband doesn't want his family to know. What do I do? -- KNOWING TOO MUCH

DEAR KNOWING: Have you spoken to your husband about this? He should talk to Nicolle and say, "My wife knows about us, and she is bothered by it." He should also tell her to stop following him around or decline future invitations to the family gatherings.

DEAR ABBY: One of my dear friends is pregnant with her first child, and she couldn't be more excited. Even though she's only in her second trimester, her "baby bump" is conspicuous, and it seems people (friends, family and complete strangers) can't help but comment that she seems "ready to pop." When they learn she still has many weeks to go, invariably people ask if she's having twins (she's not). Her grandmother went so far as to ask for ultrasound photos to prove she's carrying only one baby.

It has made my friend very self-conscious. Even though she's in perfect health, the comments are really getting to her. Any advice on how to graciously deflect these unwanted comments? -- NO TWINS IN THE TWIN CITIES

DEAR NO TWINS: When someone volunteers that your friend is so big she must be carrying twins, she should say, "Nope! Only one healthy baby in there, according to my gynecologist."

She needs to remember that there is no end to the insensitive personal comments that people make, and that it's important to keep her sense of humor and keep in mind she'll have to hear them only for a few more months.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is in his mid-70s. We live in the Pacific Northwest. When the temperature is warm, my husband walks around the yard with his shirt off. He's not fat, but he's not thin either. He has gray hair on his chest. It looks awful and it's embarrassing. I think it's rude to the neighbor ladies who see him walk around like this. What do you think? -- AN EYEFUL IN WASHINGTON

DEAR EYEFUL: You may think an eyeful is awful, but unless your neighbor ladies complain, I'm advising you not to nag your husband about it. While you may find his gray chest hair unattractive, others may not find it offensive at all, and a man walking shirtless in his own yard is hardly shocking.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my soul mate for 25 years. We get along great -- she's my best friend and a good mother to our three kids. (She takes care of my mom who lives with us, too.) The only problem is, she loves to sleep.

She will do anything for us except wake up a few hours early without being mad at the world. She gets our kids off to school with no problem, but then returns to bed. I run a small construction company and need someone to answer the phones and do secretary stuff. Our books are a mess, the house is decent, but she won't let me hire a part-time secretary.

She gets up at noon and spends the rest of the day "catching up." It's driving a wedge in our marriage. My friends and their wives do things together on weekends, but not mine. She sleeps until 2 or 3 p.m. on the weekends.

I work a lot of Saturdays, and when I go to customers' homes and see the wife outside gardening, it breaks my heart. I have threatened to leave, and she works on it for a couple days and then falls back into the same old habits. Help! -- HURTING HUSBAND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HUSBAND: Not everyone requires the same amount of sleep in order to function. Some folks may be fine with five hours, but others need eight, nine or even 10. If your wife needs more than that, there may be an underlying problem of some kind that she should discuss with her doctor.

In marriage there needs to be compromise. If you are experiencing stress because you don't have enough help in your business, then you need to hire someone because your wife is already doing all she can taking care of three kids and your mother. And you shouldn't need her permission.

DEAR ABBY: At a pool party recently, I complimented another woman on her "good figure" (she was wearing a bikini and looked great in it), but I was told later by a different woman who had been there how "hurtful" my compliment had been to everyone else present because I complimented only the bikini-wearing woman. I felt coerced into apologizing to the second woman for not offering a compliment of some kind to everyone else at the party -- which seems artificial and unnecessary (actually stupid) to me.

The woman looking for the apology left me feeling steamed, and now I'm thinking that maybe I apologized for something I didn't need to. Is it true that you shouldn't compliment one person if you can't manage to do the same for everyone else present? -- POOL PARTY COMPLIMENT

DEAR P.P.C.: No, it's not. I have never heard of that rule of etiquette. Following her logic, you would be compelled to compliment every male at an event if you told one that the tie or shirt he was wearing was nice. I suspect the woman was less hurt than jealous, and I doubt the other women at the pool party were paying much attention to what you said.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired librarian who lives in Texas. I am what around here is called "Anglo," meaning white and not Hispanic. I speak four languages, with varying degrees of proficiency.

Recently, a friend who is Hispanic told me that if an Anglo speaks Spanish to a Hispanic person, it's considered an insult because it implies that the Hispanic person is "too stupid" to learn English. I had never heard of this before, so I asked a retired college-level Spanish teacher who is also Anglo. She informed me that Hispanic people use the language difference as a "boundary," and my speaking Spanish to them was a violation of their boundaries.

It came as a complete shock! This happened more than a month ago, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I spent a lifetime developing language skills. I always considered speaking another language to be a sign of respect and friendship. Now I'm being told that it's insulting and intrusive?

I can't believe all Hispanic people feel this way, but I don't know what to do with this information. My next-door neighbors are Spanish-speaking. I've always spoken to them in Spanish because it's what I heard from them when I first met them. Now I don't know if I've been insulting them. What should I do? -- IN SHOCK IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR IN SHOCK: After reading your letter, I polled a focus group of Spanish-speaking friends about it. Some said it didn't bother them, but the majority explained that the reaction may depend upon how long the family has been in this country. If it has been several generations, the people you are addressing might identify more as English speakers than Spanish speakers, and consider your addressing them in Spanish to be condescending because it implies that you don't think they have learned English.

So the rule of thumb would be: Assume that everyone speaks English; then if it turns out they don't, use their language.

P.S. If your relationship with your neighbors is a good one, tell them what you were told and ask if you may have offended them because if you have, you would like to apologize.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Jennifer," and I just finished a project and I am so peeved. We usually get along well. That is, until we work together. Then I go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.

I spent 25 years in heavy industrial construction. I have also taken classes in woodworking and metal crafts. My wife has no building skills and no knowledge of how to use power tools. Yet, only minutes after we start, she becomes an engineer and starts telling me how to do things. When it happens, I explode with cursing and throwing things. The thing I yell the most often is, "If you know how to do it, why do you need me?!" -- CAN'T WORK TOGETHER

DEAR CAN'T: Even though you're the expert, it appears your wife would like to offer some creative input. If you become so volatile that you lose control when working on projects with her, the obvious answer is to refrain from doing them together.