DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three children. Before we were married, we discussed that I wanted a big family. He said he didn't want kids at all. This didn't bother me because I had been told I would never be able to have children. We ended up not only having one "surprise" baby, but three.

My dilemma is I desperately want to have more children. My husband has not only said no -- he's said HELL no, over his dead body. Then he got a vasectomy. I feel I'm between a rock and a hard place. I am considering going through a sperm bank. What is your advice? -- MOM OF SURPRISE BABIES

DEAR MOM: You knew before you married your husband how he felt about having a family. You thought you would never have children, but have been blessed with three. Be grateful and quit winners, because if you follow through with what you're considering, you could wind up raising your children alone.

DEAR ABBY: My mom once said that her younger sister had an unwed pregnancy in the early 1940s and gave up a baby girl for adoption. Mom told no one else but me about this. She later said her sister had confessed it to her husband late in life and that he had reacted violently.

I recently attended a family funeral and had a conversation with my cousin, who said he was concerned about possible dementia in his mother because -- among other things -- she had asked him about his older sister. (He doesn't know he had one.) I didn't say otherwise, but I'm debating with myself if I should say anything or just keep quiet. My aunt died last week, after being a widow for several years. -- KEEPER OF A FAMILY SECRET

DEAR KEEPER: If there were anything positive to be gained by revealing this secret, I would advise you to tell your cousin. But there isn't. So keep your mouth shut.

DEAR ABBY: During our many years of married life, we have lived in six neighborhoods. In two of them, there was a married couple comprised of a housewife and what I would call a "garaged husband." These husbands spent all their spare time working and puttering in their garages. One of them worked on his motorcycle and truck; the other rebuilt an antique truck from the ground up. Both created excessive noise with their projects.

One of the men eventually moved his bed into the garage and, not surprisingly, the marriage ended in divorce. The second man spends more time with his youngest son (who also stays in the garage most of the time) than with his wife.

Have your other readers made similar observations? Is this a version of the "man cave" syndrome where men like to hang out? -- ANOTHER HUSBAND IN OREGON

DEAR HUSBAND: I will leave your question open to readers, but I think variations of "garaged husbands" might be ones who render their spouses "sports widows."

DEAR ABBY: One of my relatives has become incontinent. She leaks badly. Most of the time her pants are wet. When she comes to visit, she doesn't hesitate to sit on my furniture, and when she stands up, she causes a spot on my carpet!

I'm worried my house will start to smell. After she leaves I have to go around spraying and mopping. I'm sure she wears adult diapers because after she leaves we find them in our trash. They are soaked, so I think she probably needs to change more often.

How do I ask her nicely not to sit on my furniture? I would love to suggest having her get medical help, but am afraid she would be insulted and I don't know how to address it. I love her, but not her messes! -- GRITTING MY TEETH

DEAR GRITTING: According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than half of seniors are plagued by incontinence. It happens to both sexes, but bladder incontinence happens more often to women. Many seniors find it so embarrassing that they are afraid to discuss it with their doctors.

Because your relative's incontinence is causing you a problem, you must discuss it with her. Say you love her, and encourage her to talk to her doctor by explaining that this is a common problem. A solution might be to buy a plastic slipcover for her favorite chair or have her sit in one that will cause you less of a problem.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single father of three, the youngest of whom finally left the nest last year. I have spent my adult life raising my sons, who are definitely the truest blessing any man could ever hope to have.

To my dismay, now that I am living alone and see my sons only on weekends, I feel lost. I had all these plans for just such a time, but now I find I have little motivation to do anything. It feels almost as if I have lost my purpose, as though my job is over and I can't find the me I was before I was a father. Please give me some advice. -- BARELY BREATHING

DEAR BARELY BREATHING: You appear to be experiencing classic empty nest syndrome. It happens to many parents when their last child leaves home. A way to cope with the emptiness and aimlessness you are feeling would be to talk about it with other family members, or the parents of other young adults who have moved out on their own. It's important that you fill your time with activities you enjoy, and socialize with others so you don't just sit around and brood.

However, because your feelings of sadness and aimlessness have persisted, I recommend you also discuss them with your doctor to make sure you are not suffering from depression. If it is depression, your doctor can help you.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please help resolve a question once and for all between my husband and me regarding the proper way to eat grapes? My husband will pick individual grapes from a bunch which, in my opinion, leaves the rest looking "moth-eaten" and unappetizing. I prefer to cut a small branch off the bunch, which leaves the grapes looking fresh instead of grazed upon. Who's right? -- CARRIE IN MILFORD, MICH.

DEAR CARRIE: You are. But if this is the worst conflict you have in your marriage, consider yourself lucky.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a young woman of 16 years and I'm in the second year of high school. Next year will be my last, and then I will have the pressure of relatives and friends wondering what I will do with my life.

When I was little, I said I was going to be a stylist. I liked that idea, but after I did some research about it, I realized it is not for me. I have also thought about journalism and specializing in fashion, but don't know if it's something I want for my life.

I would love to do medicine, perhaps pediatrics or oncology. They are very beautiful professions. Should I pursue the career I always wanted as a child, or a career that I think is beautiful and will give me a good life? Help! -- JULIA FROM BRAZIL

DEAR JULIA: The dreams people have as children usually change as they mature. It appears that yours are no different. The careers you are contemplating now can make a huge difference in the lives of others, and reward you well if you work hard and are successful. If you would love the practice of medicine and have the aptitude for it, that's the way I think you should go.

DEAR ABBY: I am terrified of driving on the interstate. It is keeping me from going places I want to go and doing things I want to do. I don't know anyone else with this phobia. Is there any help for someone like me? -- READY TO ROLL IN MONTANA

DEAR READY: Of course there is. Your first step should be to contact a driving school to find out if it offers courses for people with a fear of driving on the interstate. However, if you can't bring yourself to dip your toe in the water that way, ask your physician to put you in touch with a psychotherapist who specializes in relieving people of their phobias.

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what's wrong with me. I work in a school, so I have the summers off, but I can't relax and enjoy myself. Every day I constantly think about having to go back to work when summer is over, and I dread it. I also find myself dwelling on past mistakes I have made and regrets about things I did or didn't do. As a result, it prevents me from enjoying the present.

Do other people have this problem? Have you any advice to help me stop thinking about the past and the future and how I can enjoy the here and now? -- CAN'T RELAX IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CAN'T RELAX: Nothing lasts forever, including summer vacation. However, may I point out that if you have a job you "dread" returning to, it may be time to consider finding a new one?

As to past regrets spoiling your present, a way to stop dwelling on those negative thoughts would be to say aloud to yourself: "That was then. This is NOW. I'm wiser now." Then make a conscious effort to reorient yourself to the present. I'm not saying it won't take vigilance and practice, but hearing yourself speak the words may snap you back to where you belong.