DEAR ABBY: One of my relatives has become incontinent. She leaks badly. Most of the time her pants are wet. When she comes to visit, she doesn't hesitate to sit on my furniture, and when she stands up, she causes a spot on my carpet!

I'm worried my house will start to smell. After she leaves I have to go around spraying and mopping. I'm sure she wears adult diapers because after she leaves we find them in our trash. They are soaked, so I think she probably needs to change more often.

How do I ask her nicely not to sit on my furniture? I would love to suggest having her get medical help, but am afraid she would be insulted and I don't know how to address it. I love her, but not her messes! -- GRITTING MY TEETH

DEAR GRITTING: According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than half of seniors are plagued by incontinence. It happens to both sexes, but bladder incontinence happens more often to women. Many seniors find it so embarrassing that they are afraid to discuss it with their doctors.

Because your relative's incontinence is causing you a problem, you must discuss it with her. Say you love her, and encourage her to talk to her doctor by explaining that this is a common problem. A solution might be to buy a plastic slipcover for her favorite chair or have her sit in one that will cause you less of a problem.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single father of three, the youngest of whom finally left the nest last year. I have spent my adult life raising my sons, who are definitely the truest blessing any man could ever hope to have.

To my dismay, now that I am living alone and see my sons only on weekends, I feel lost. I had all these plans for just such a time, but now I find I have little motivation to do anything. It feels almost as if I have lost my purpose, as though my job is over and I can't find the me I was before I was a father. Please give me some advice. -- BARELY BREATHING

DEAR BARELY BREATHING: You appear to be experiencing classic empty nest syndrome. It happens to many parents when their last child leaves home. A way to cope with the emptiness and aimlessness you are feeling would be to talk about it with other family members, or the parents of other young adults who have moved out on their own. It's important that you fill your time with activities you enjoy, and socialize with others so you don't just sit around and brood.

However, because your feelings of sadness and aimlessness have persisted, I recommend you also discuss them with your doctor to make sure you are not suffering from depression. If it is depression, your doctor can help you.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please help resolve a question once and for all between my husband and me regarding the proper way to eat grapes? My husband will pick individual grapes from a bunch which, in my opinion, leaves the rest looking "moth-eaten" and unappetizing. I prefer to cut a small branch off the bunch, which leaves the grapes looking fresh instead of grazed upon. Who's right? -- CARRIE IN MILFORD, MICH.

DEAR CARRIE: You are. But if this is the worst conflict you have in your marriage, consider yourself lucky.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a young woman of 16 years and I'm in the second year of high school. Next year will be my last, and then I will have the pressure of relatives and friends wondering what I will do with my life.

When I was little, I said I was going to be a stylist. I liked that idea, but after I did some research about it, I realized it is not for me. I have also thought about journalism and specializing in fashion, but don't know if it's something I want for my life.

I would love to do medicine, perhaps pediatrics or oncology. They are very beautiful professions. Should I pursue the career I always wanted as a child, or a career that I think is beautiful and will give me a good life? Help! -- JULIA FROM BRAZIL

DEAR JULIA: The dreams people have as children usually change as they mature. It appears that yours are no different. The careers you are contemplating now can make a huge difference in the lives of others, and reward you well if you work hard and are successful. If you would love the practice of medicine and have the aptitude for it, that's the way I think you should go.

DEAR ABBY: I am terrified of driving on the interstate. It is keeping me from going places I want to go and doing things I want to do. I don't know anyone else with this phobia. Is there any help for someone like me? -- READY TO ROLL IN MONTANA

DEAR READY: Of course there is. Your first step should be to contact a driving school to find out if it offers courses for people with a fear of driving on the interstate. However, if you can't bring yourself to dip your toe in the water that way, ask your physician to put you in touch with a psychotherapist who specializes in relieving people of their phobias.

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what's wrong with me. I work in a school, so I have the summers off, but I can't relax and enjoy myself. Every day I constantly think about having to go back to work when summer is over, and I dread it. I also find myself dwelling on past mistakes I have made and regrets about things I did or didn't do. As a result, it prevents me from enjoying the present.

Do other people have this problem? Have you any advice to help me stop thinking about the past and the future and how I can enjoy the here and now? -- CAN'T RELAX IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CAN'T RELAX: Nothing lasts forever, including summer vacation. However, may I point out that if you have a job you "dread" returning to, it may be time to consider finding a new one?

As to past regrets spoiling your present, a way to stop dwelling on those negative thoughts would be to say aloud to yourself: "That was then. This is NOW. I'm wiser now." Then make a conscious effort to reorient yourself to the present. I'm not saying it won't take vigilance and practice, but hearing yourself speak the words may snap you back to where you belong.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a married man for 30 years. Our relationship started a few months after he got married. I know it was wrong to begin the relationship, but it started just as a way for me to get sexual experience. For him, I think he was infatuated with the idea that a younger woman found him attractive.

I asked him out knowing he was married, thus safe from expecting a commitment. I don't think either of us expected our so-called relationship to last this long. I have dated other men (who knew nothing of him) and gave birth to a child (not his), so it's not like he's the only man I see. (Of course, he knows I date other men.)

Many times I have thought about ending our affair because I feel guilty, and sad for his wife. My problem is our conversations are intoxicating, our kisses, touches and lovemaking are like no other. Must I stop seeing him? Or do you think what others don't know won't hurt them? -- CAN'T STOP SEEING HIM

DEAR CAN'T STOP: The problem with the rationale "what others don't know won't hurt them" is that, at some point, the truth usually comes out. And when it does, there are usually plenty of hurt feelings. Frankly, I'm surprised your lover has been able to keep you under wraps for 30 years without the two of you being spotted somewhere.

If you are truly sad for your lover's wife, you should end the affair. However, because it has taken you three decades to discover your conscience, I somehow doubt you will.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an asexual woman in my 20s, and I feel misunderstood. When I "come out" to people, they usually make a rude or vulgar comment. "Asexual" is the accepted term for people who are sex-repulsed or who don't experience sexual attraction. I fit both of those definitions.

People want to know what's wrong with me: Is it a hormonal imbalance? Was I molested? Am I secretly gay? One man even suggested that sleeping with him would "fix me"! If it comes up around family, they always suggest that someone will come around and change my mind.

Abby, is 25 years old too young to know for sure that I don't want to have sex? How can I respond to these rude comments? -- ACE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ACE: Twenty-five is definitely old enough to know for sure whether you have a sex drive -- or not. Because you are open about your lack of interest in sex, you should not become defensive if someone asks an ignorant question about it.

If the person asks if it's a hormonal imbalance, the result of having been molested or if you are gay, all you have to say is, "Nope, nope and nope!" As to the man who confused his member with a magic wand, "No, thanks!" would have been a polite response to an obviously deluded individual.

DEAR ABBY: I would love to see you refer to couples without children as "child-free" instead of "childless." Not every couple wants to have children. The term "childless" sounds like something is missing. -- FREE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FREE: You make a good point. But I usually couch my terminology according to what the writer has stated. If someone refers to her- or himself as childless, I feel it would be wrong to imply something the person didn't.