DEAR ABBY: We visit my grandmother out of state once a year. After our visits, I usually leave feeling defeated. A few reasons why:

She leaves multiple notes around "reminding" us to clean up after ourselves. There's a note in the shower that says, "Please wipe down shower walls after use." She asks me to change the sheets or launder our towels before I leave. Although she has decorative paper hand towels in the bathrooms, she asks us not to use them because they are "too expensive." She complains about my son's handprints on her windows (he's 2). She badmouths nearly everyone she knows, has unsolicited advice on everything and is generally highly judgmental.

When we return home, she gushes about our visit for months, saying how "lonely" she is now that we're gone and how much she enjoyed our visit. I don't understand. Is this normal grandmother behavior, or does she take it too far? Must we continue spending big bucks to go out there every year, or can we just send pictures and call often? -- GRANDDAUGHTER IN A QUANDARY

DEAR GRANDDAUGHTER: If these annual visits are a "command performance," I can see why you might resent them. However, it's not unheard of for a hostess to leave a note asking that the shower be wiped down, or that the sheets and towels be laundered before a guest leaves -- particularly if the guests are family members. A gracious guest wouldn't mind doing those things, and would ask how her hostess wanted it handled before she left.

Rather than stew when she complained about your 2-year-old's handprints on her windows, the appropriate response would have been: "You know, you're right. I'll get the Windex!" And when she made a negative comment about someone, you should have found something nice to say about the person in response.

If these visits cause financial hardship, visit your grandmother every OTHER year, or consider inviting her to visit you, but don't cut her off completely. After all, she's family, and not all family members are "perfect."

DEAR ABBY: I'm a newly retired woman living alone. Today I received a phone call on my landline asking me to participate in a survey. The first question asked was how many people are in my household.

In the past, I didn't live alone and I didn't mind participating in surveys. But calling on my landline makes me worry that person has access to my physical address. And being asked by some stranger for information like my age, the number of people in my household, and whether I have guns in the house, etc. makes me feel very vulnerable.

I told the caller I was not interested in participating and wouldn't give a reason why. There has got to be a better way to conduct surveys. Please let researchers know. -- CAUTIOUS SENIOR

DEAR CAUTIOUS: I'm doing that. But while I'm doing it, I am also advising readers that they are under no obligation to respond to surveys of any type, and that all they have to do if they receive this kind of call is say, "Not interested," and hang up.

DEAR ABBY: I'm obsessed with having sex. I can't stop. Ever since I was 8 I've been having sex, and now I'm 18. I have a boyfriend I've been dating since I was 8, and we can't stop having sex. I want to stop, but he doesn't want to. I keep on doing it because he says if I don't he'll leave me. Please help. What do I do? -- OBSESSED IN MIAMI

DEAR OBSESSED: There are worse things than losing a boyfriend who threatens to dump you if you don't have sex with him. Chief among them is having sex with someone because you have been coerced. Because you feel you are "obsessed," you may have what is called a sex addiction.

Licensed psychotherapists treat people with sexual compulsive disorders, and self-help groups help individuals suffering because they can't control their sexual behavior. A 12-step program that has been mentioned before in my column is Sexaholics Anonymous, which originated in 1979 and is based on the same principles as Alcoholics Anonymous. Its website is sa.org. Visit it to find a local meeting.

DEAR ABBY: Within the last year, I met an amazing man who is head over heels for me. We were married five months later, partly because he was deploying. I had always dated "bad" boys with commitment issues, but now I have a wonderful husband.

Everything happened so fast. I'm now having to put the career I worked very hard for on hold. I love him very much, don't get me wrong, but all the drastic changes have me feeling confused and scared. I feel we may have rushed into marriage too soon. Regardless, this is where we are now. Any insight? -- NEWLYWED IN UTAH

DEAR NEWLYWED: To be honest, MOST people feel a degree of fear and confusion when they find themselves in unfamiliar territory. On the plus side, you have married a winner after dating a series of turkeys.

Because your husband is deployed, you now have a chance to start evaluating various ways to apply your talents and experience with an eye toward restarting your career or finding a new one. If your husband intends to make a career of the military, research jobs you can do regardless of where he may be posted.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has ongoing relationships with two of his exes' daughters. One girl's mother is deceased, and he has been divorced from the other for more than 20 years. He allows them to call him "Dad" even though they are adults and he has been married three times over.

I don't understand why he has allowed this to go on, but he blows me off when I bring it up. Am I being petty for having concerns, or should I just let them be? -- CONCERNED SPOUSE

DEAR CONCERNED: Yes, you are being petty. Your husband may have been the most stable and loving parental male figure in those women's lives, which is why they still call him "Dad." Their relationship should not diminish the one he has with you, unless you make them feel unwelcome because of your own insecurity. So put on a smile, set out the welcome mat and befriend them, and I predict you will reap big dividends.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an attractive 30-year-old woman just out of a five-year relationship. I am starting to date again, but I have a complication -- I cannot have children. I am wondering when the right time to bring this up with the men I meet would be. After a few dates seems too soon; however, the men usually reveal their desire for a family during this time. What is the rule of thumb here? -- SINGLE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SINGLE: The rule of thumb is: Honesty is the best policy. If someone tells you he wants a family, it would be dishonest not to tell him then that you won't be able to have children. However, if nothing is mentioned before, when you are becoming intimate and the subject of birth control is raised would be a logical time to speak up.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a city. Many of my friends live in the suburbs within commuting distance. Several of them commute daily, and there are many mass transit options running throughout the night. On a few occasions we have planned an outing in the city and, after the tickets are purchased, etc., one of them ("Carla") has casually stated, "I may need to spend the night at your house since it'll be late when we get back."

Abby, Carla knows the schedule of mass transit and knows what we've planned. How do I respond when she invites herself to spend the night? I have the room, but it's still a hassle having someone stay overnight. -- CITY GIRL WITH COUNTRY FRIENDS

DEAR CITY GIRL: Assuming this is becoming a pattern with Carla, the time to bring this up is before you buy the tickets. The words to use are: "I would prefer that you don't stay over because I'm really not comfortable having overnight guests." And if she continues to suggest she wants to stay with you, stop inviting her to nighttime events.

DEAR ABBY: I find that I get asked far too often why I haven't bought a house yet. I'm 42, single and have a master's degree, but like lots of other people I had to go into debt to get it.

I'm not complaining about that. What bugs me is the invasive question I don't feel I should have to answer, usually asked by people whose parents helped them to buy a house. I don't come from a rich family, and it feels like people are flaunting their privilege when they ask me. Duh, I don't have $20,000 for a down payment. But I shouldn't have to say that.

How can I respond to this question while not being rude or actually answering it? Better yet, how do I respond in such a way that people stop asking? -- IN DEBT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR IN DEBT: This reply should do the trick: "There are many reasons why, and it's complicated. When and if I do decide to buy, I'll let you know."

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and I disagree about whether it's all right to hold the door open when the air conditioning is running on high to keep the house cool. She'll hold the door open while standing in the doorway talking to her friends who drive up in a car. In the meantime, I am paying for the AC to run full blast. Please give us some guidance. -- ANONYMOUS MOM IN RALEIGH

DEAR MOM: I'll try. Rather than venture into the physics of how air conditioners work, may I suggest that because your daughter lives with you and you are paying the bills, she should have enough respect for you to do as you ask.