life

Mom Fights Feelings of Guilt Over Son Being an Only Child

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 29th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 13-year-old son, my only child. For the past 10 years I have been living with mounting guilt over the fact that he doesn't have a sibling. It's not because my husband and I haven't tried, we have. But fertility issues took us down an empty road, and adoption discussions were just that -- discussions.

I can't tell you how many times our son has said he wishes he had a sibling. Every time, it's like a knife in my heart and the guilt surges back. I think about the future and how he will have no brother or sister to share life with or lean on when something happens to my husband or me. Although I have always felt blessed to have him, I can't escape these feelings. Sometimes I feel like I have failed him horribly.

It's worth noting that my son is a happy, well-adjusted child. He has good peer relationships in school, is close to me and my husband and has hobbies and friends he enjoys spending time with. My love for him is endless, and I pray that he will forgive me someday for not being able to give him what he has so deserved. -- SAD MOM IN OHIO

DEAR SAD MOM: Take a step back, stop self-flagellating and ask yourself how many times your son may have also asked for a puppy. You say you have raised a happy, well-adjusted son. That's an accomplishment that should fill you with pride. Not being able to give birth to another child is not something you should feel guilty about or need forgiveness for, and neither is refraining from adopting "so your son would have a sibling." Not all siblings have the kind of relationship you fantasize about. While some do, many do not.

Please consider carefully what I have said and search your heart. And if you still think you are guilty of any sin of omission, discuss it with a licensed psychotherapist.

Mental HealthFamily & Parenting
life

Generosity to Co-Worker Could Cost Man His Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 29th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Last year I found out my husband borrowed $3,500 from our savings account and gave it to a female co-worker. When I asked where the money had gone, he lied to me.

It has been more than a year and the co-worker hasn't repaid the money. She comes up with cockamamie excuses, but has plenty of money to buy gifts for her grandkids and new clothes for herself. When I contacted her about it, she called human resources on my husband! He said no one at work likes her and she has a lot of personal problems.

Our marriage has been rocky, and we need this money back. What's really going on here? How do I get her to start paying back the money? I have reached the end of my rope and my husband is no help whatsoever. He gets mad whenever I ask about the money. Some advice, please? -- NEEDS THE MONEY

DEAR NEEDS THE MONEY: Stop asking your husband about the money. It should be clear by now that the woman he gave it to has no intention of repaying it. As to her not being liked at the office, HE must have liked her or he wouldn't have forked over all that dough.

Because your marriage is "rocky," I'm recommending that you seek couples counseling. Perhaps with the help of a mediator your husband will be able to be completely truthful with you. That's essential because good marriages are based on trust.

MoneyMarriage & Divorce
life

Sweet Man Sours Marriage by Calling His Wife Fat

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a large, overweight woman. I have been in the process of losing weight for more than five years. I got married three years ago to an amazing guy. He's the sweetest man I have ever met.

Something he said recently really bothers me. He said he thinks I'm fat. While I know I'm fat -- and admit it out loud -- I never thought it was appropriate for your significant other to say it to you.

I am at a loss as to what to do because he is right, but it hurts my feelings that he not only thinks it but says it. I have tried talking to him about how it makes me feel, but he just shrugs his shoulders. He sees nothing wrong with calling me fat. What do you think? -- BIG GIRL IN CHAMPAIGN, ILL.

DEAR BIG GIRL: If you call yourself fat, then it's possible your husband didn't think his doing so would hurt your feelings. Straighten him out. And when you do, tell him what other terms you would prefer he use (i.e., "big and beautiful," "bountiful and bodacious," etc.).

Point out that whether it is a large or small amount, getting weight off is difficult. Also, it's not unusual for people who are hurting to eat more in order to compensate. He married you when you were heavier, so he should be aware not only that you're making progress, but also that you need his support.

Health & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Girlfriend Is Invisible in Man's Social Media Universe

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 30 and have lived with my boyfriend, "Shane," for two years. We spend lots of time together, our families socialize and we have a good relationship. My problem is Shane's use of social media. He takes a lot of pictures and posts them online while we're together, but I am never in them and he never mentions that I'm there.

Example: We took trips to Las Vegas, New York and Jamaica. He posted dozens of pictures of himself, but none of us together. When we go to nice restaurants, he shoots pictures of the food and solo selfies, but never mentions that I'm there, too. He has female friends I have never met who comment on all his fabulous adventures.

It appears to me that Shane has created an online image as an exciting, jet-setting single guy. But when I say that, he tells me I am being "immature." I am considering ending the relationship because of this. What do you think? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: When a couple has been living together for two years and spends the majority of their time together, their friends usually know they are involved. That Shane has cultivated an image of himself online as fancy-free seems strange to me, too. It may be that he is self-centered, or that he's not as committed to your relationship as you would like him to be.

When you tell a person something bothers you, and that person not only doesn't do something about it but blames you, it's a red flag. But if everything else in the relationship is as fine as you say, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. I assume you have a social media presence of your own. I suggest that you fill it with lots of pictures of Shane, the two of you together and the places you're going together.

Love & Dating
life

Single Mom Craves Family's Embrace of Her Daughters

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of two biracial daughters ages 2 and 4. They fill my life with joy and I am thankful to be their mother. My problem is, I haven't been able to face my family members since the birth of my second child.

My family has strong Christian roots, and I know they were disappointed when they heard about another unplanned pregnancy. This isn't the first time I have disappointed them. I smoked a lot of marijuana as a teen and young adult. I straightened my life out during my late 20s.

I miss my family very much, and I also feel my children are missing out by not knowing them. My parents passed away many years ago. My children's father was beaten to death days before my youngest daughter was born. My aunts and uncles are all I have left, and it breaks my heart to think we have lost them, too. How should I handle this without getting my heart broken? -- MISSISSIPPI MOMMY

DEAR MOMMY: Did these aunts and uncles have children, or are they childless? If you have cousins, consider reaching out to them first, because their views may be less conservative than their parents'. If your family's Christian roots are as strong as you say they are, they should be both welcoming and forgiving, and embrace your children in their loving family circle.

However, if they are not, then it would be better for your little girls if they were not exposed to them. I have advised in the past that sometimes people have to live their own lives and create their own families. If your relatives are rejecting, that is what you will have to do, not only for your daughters' sake but also for your own.

Family & Parenting
life

Catty Comments Ruin Club's Bonhomie

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been getting together with a group of ladies for many years now. Husbands and boyfriends are welcome but rarely come. We enjoy meeting at each other's houses and at restaurants every few months.

We are having a problem with one member, "Gail," who is envious of "Rose," a still-beautiful former model. Gail has been making remarks that Rose "must have had work done" on her face to be able to retain her looks for so long. (I think it is a combination of good genes, sunscreen and incredible bone structure.)

What Rose has or hasn't done is none of Gail's business. Rose is aware of Gail's jealousy, and it puts a damper on our good times and our caring attitudes toward each other. We wish Gail would drop out. Her remarks need to stop. Have you any ideas on how we can deal with this problem? -- CLUB MEMBER IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR CLUB MEMBER: I sure do. The person closest to Gail needs to tell her, privately, that the catty comments make everyone uncomfortable, and if she doesn't stop she will no longer be welcome in the group.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors

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