life

Sweet Man Sours Marriage by Calling His Wife Fat

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a large, overweight woman. I have been in the process of losing weight for more than five years. I got married three years ago to an amazing guy. He's the sweetest man I have ever met.

Something he said recently really bothers me. He said he thinks I'm fat. While I know I'm fat -- and admit it out loud -- I never thought it was appropriate for your significant other to say it to you.

I am at a loss as to what to do because he is right, but it hurts my feelings that he not only thinks it but says it. I have tried talking to him about how it makes me feel, but he just shrugs his shoulders. He sees nothing wrong with calling me fat. What do you think? -- BIG GIRL IN CHAMPAIGN, ILL.

DEAR BIG GIRL: If you call yourself fat, then it's possible your husband didn't think his doing so would hurt your feelings. Straighten him out. And when you do, tell him what other terms you would prefer he use (i.e., "big and beautiful," "bountiful and bodacious," etc.).

Point out that whether it is a large or small amount, getting weight off is difficult. Also, it's not unusual for people who are hurting to eat more in order to compensate. He married you when you were heavier, so he should be aware not only that you're making progress, but also that you need his support.

Marriage & DivorceHealth & Safety
life

Girlfriend Is Invisible in Man's Social Media Universe

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 30 and have lived with my boyfriend, "Shane," for two years. We spend lots of time together, our families socialize and we have a good relationship. My problem is Shane's use of social media. He takes a lot of pictures and posts them online while we're together, but I am never in them and he never mentions that I'm there.

Example: We took trips to Las Vegas, New York and Jamaica. He posted dozens of pictures of himself, but none of us together. When we go to nice restaurants, he shoots pictures of the food and solo selfies, but never mentions that I'm there, too. He has female friends I have never met who comment on all his fabulous adventures.

It appears to me that Shane has created an online image as an exciting, jet-setting single guy. But when I say that, he tells me I am being "immature." I am considering ending the relationship because of this. What do you think? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: When a couple has been living together for two years and spends the majority of their time together, their friends usually know they are involved. That Shane has cultivated an image of himself online as fancy-free seems strange to me, too. It may be that he is self-centered, or that he's not as committed to your relationship as you would like him to be.

When you tell a person something bothers you, and that person not only doesn't do something about it but blames you, it's a red flag. But if everything else in the relationship is as fine as you say, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. I assume you have a social media presence of your own. I suggest that you fill it with lots of pictures of Shane, the two of you together and the places you're going together.

Love & Dating
life

Single Mom Craves Family's Embrace of Her Daughters

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of two biracial daughters ages 2 and 4. They fill my life with joy and I am thankful to be their mother. My problem is, I haven't been able to face my family members since the birth of my second child.

My family has strong Christian roots, and I know they were disappointed when they heard about another unplanned pregnancy. This isn't the first time I have disappointed them. I smoked a lot of marijuana as a teen and young adult. I straightened my life out during my late 20s.

I miss my family very much, and I also feel my children are missing out by not knowing them. My parents passed away many years ago. My children's father was beaten to death days before my youngest daughter was born. My aunts and uncles are all I have left, and it breaks my heart to think we have lost them, too. How should I handle this without getting my heart broken? -- MISSISSIPPI MOMMY

DEAR MOMMY: Did these aunts and uncles have children, or are they childless? If you have cousins, consider reaching out to them first, because their views may be less conservative than their parents'. If your family's Christian roots are as strong as you say they are, they should be both welcoming and forgiving, and embrace your children in their loving family circle.

However, if they are not, then it would be better for your little girls if they were not exposed to them. I have advised in the past that sometimes people have to live their own lives and create their own families. If your relatives are rejecting, that is what you will have to do, not only for your daughters' sake but also for your own.

Family & Parenting
life

Catty Comments Ruin Club's Bonhomie

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been getting together with a group of ladies for many years now. Husbands and boyfriends are welcome but rarely come. We enjoy meeting at each other's houses and at restaurants every few months.

We are having a problem with one member, "Gail," who is envious of "Rose," a still-beautiful former model. Gail has been making remarks that Rose "must have had work done" on her face to be able to retain her looks for so long. (I think it is a combination of good genes, sunscreen and incredible bone structure.)

What Rose has or hasn't done is none of Gail's business. Rose is aware of Gail's jealousy, and it puts a damper on our good times and our caring attitudes toward each other. We wish Gail would drop out. Her remarks need to stop. Have you any ideas on how we can deal with this problem? -- CLUB MEMBER IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR CLUB MEMBER: I sure do. The person closest to Gail needs to tell her, privately, that the catty comments make everyone uncomfortable, and if she doesn't stop she will no longer be welcome in the group.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Counseling Can't Save Marriage Lacking Intimacy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for almost three years to a woman who refuses to share the same bed with me. It started on our honeymoon when, after having sex, she chose to sleep in a different bed whenever there were two beds in the room.

She's in her late 40s and had never been married before. We have been intimate only twice in the last year. Moreover, she doesn't let me sit next to her while we watch TV, and there is no kissing, no touching, no affection of any kind, physical or verbal.

I have wracked my brain trying to figure out why she treats me like this, and I have a few suspicions. She's applying for permanent residence status and may have married me only for that, although she denies it. She can no longer bear children, so she may think there is no point in having sex or being intimate. She may have an aversion to being touched, although she doesn't show that when we're out in public. She likes to hug her female friends. (And no, I don't think she's a lesbian.)

Any love that existed between us is nearly gone at this point, so am I justified in getting a separation? We have been to counseling, and that is what the therapist recommended. -- FEELING UNLOVED IN UTAH

DEAR FEELING UNLOVED: Assuming you brush your teeth, use deodorant and shower regularly, I'm as mystified about your wife's behavior as you are. I know people who treat their dogs and cats better than this woman has been treating you. That you have tolerated it this long is surprising.

Your therapist has advised a separation, but I would go further than that. Because you don't have a marriage, I think you should make it official.

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender
life

No-Call List Pulls the Plug on Telemarketers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I receive at least two or three telemarketing calls a day -- and sometimes even more on Sundays. Can you please tell me what to do to put a stop to this?

I have written once before to an address to curb this situation, but no luck. These calls come as late as 9 p.m. Thank you for any advice. -- STRESSED OUT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STRESSED OUT: I agree that telemarketing calls are invasive when they come in multiples. The USA.gov Consumer Action Handbook includes a number you can call to restrict telemarketing calls permanently by registering your phone number. It is 888-382-1222. This can also be done online at www.donotcall.gov.

If you receive telemarketing calls after your number has been in the national registry for 31 days, you can file a complaint using the same web page and toll-free number.

This will cut back on some of the calls you receive, but not all of them. Political organizations, charities and telephone surveyors with which you have a relationship can still get through. However, if you still find yourself being inundated, contact your phone provider and inquire about call-blocking 800 numbers. Good luck!

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