life

'Love Child' Plans Approach to Half-Brother He Never Met

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 15th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Pete," is an only child. His mom, who was married, had an affair with a married man, which resulted in his birth. His mother's husband put his name on the birth certificate, but as a kid, Pete had contact from time to time with his biological father. Both dads have since passed away.

Pete has known for years that his biological father had an older son, but he doesn't know if the son knows he exists. Pete now thinks he may have found his half-brother online and wants to reach out to see if he wants a relationship.

How do we even begin to broach this with the half-brother? Is it worth it? Could it cause more damage than good? If you were my husband or his half-brother, would you want to pursue this? -- FAMILY MATTERS IN TEXAS

DEAR F.M.: The decision about whether to contact a long-lost relative is a very personal one. For some people, the experience is a happy one, but not for others.

Because your husband and his (possible) half-brother are both adults, I can't see how reaching out would be harmful to the man. A way to do it would be for Pete to send him an email or a letter, explain who his biological father was and ask if there is any interest in further contact.

Family & Parenting
life

Woman Asks How to Tell Her Ex She's Getting Married Again

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 15th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I divorced 10 years ago. There were no children involved. After the divorce, we would occasionally get together for a meal. It was during those times that we managed to work through our issues and move forward with our separate lives.

Since then, we have remained in contact occasionally to say happy birthday or update the other on work. We are also friends on Facebook, but our contact does not involve discussion of love interests, family, etc.

Eight years ago, I met a wonderful man who accepts me for who I am. He also understands and supports the type of contact I have with my ex. My beau and I have finally decided to take the plunge and be married. What is the etiquette for letting my ex-husband know that I am remarrying? I know there will be photos posted to Facebook by friends in common. -- SECOND TIME AROUND IN UTAH

DEAR SECOND: Convey that information personally. Because you are on speaking terms, call him and share the happy news. I think he will appreciate hearing it straight from you, just as you would if the situation were reversed.

Etiquette & EthicsMarriage & Divorce
life

New Technology Requires New Vocabulary

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 15th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: There's an ongoing debate among my group of friends about using the word "texted." When I used it, I was corrected, chastised and told that it is NOT a word. Five years ago, when my daughter was a teenager, I started hearing it used frequently.

I realize that "text" is not a verb, however, times have certainly changed, and many new words and expressions have been added to our vocabulary. Would it only be correct to say, "I sent a text"? Please settle this for us. -- BUSTED BY THE GRAMMAR POLICE

DEAR BUSTED: The English language is constantly evolving, and with the rapid advances in technology, words are added to the lexicon every year. According to Dictionary.com, "texted" is, indeed, a word and you have been using it correctly. However, because a picture is worth a thousand words, rather than tell your friends you got the information from me, consider sending them a descriptive emoji from the both of us.

life

Wedding Guests Are Perplexed by Toasts That Turn to Roasts

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 14th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: We have been attending the weddings of our friends' children and work colleagues. We enjoy them, but we have noticed a change in some of the traditions.

The best man's and maid of honor's toasts to the bride and groom seem to have devolved into telling stories about their past escapades. This includes tales of all-night partying, how drunk they were, other embarrassing incidents and "digs" at the bride and groom. Some of these speeches can go on for more than 10 minutes!

Abby, many guests attending these celebrations really don't care to hear these kinds of things. I'm sure the couple's new boss or their grandparents are quite shocked at some of the revelations they hear. Has this occasion turned into a roast? -- DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF IT

DEAR DON'T KNOW: It appears that some of the weddings you have attended have. There are occasions when sometimes the less said the better, if only to protect the guilty, and this is one of them.

Work & SchoolFriends & NeighborsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Ambitious Woman Ponders Split From Easygoing Boyfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 14th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old woman who enjoys achieving things in life. For example, I recently bought a house and paid for all the remodeling with my own money.

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years (on and off). He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, etc. and because of that, I have always felt a deep connection with him. My problem is he doesn't have goals for the future and just lives his life a day at a time. He's comfortable with his low-income job and doesn't plan on going to school.

He moved into my house six months ago, which makes our relationship that much more serious. Something I absolutely adore about him is his loving nature. He drops whatever he is doing to be there for me emotionally, and everyone who meets him tells me how lucky I am to have found such a great guy.

My question is, should I stay with my loving, caring boyfriend or is it time to find someone with the same goals I have? -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED: Ask yourself which is more important to you -- a loving and emotionally supportive spouse or a hard worker who may be less so. Only you can decide the answer to that question.

Love & Dating
life

Volunteer Work Would Teach Girls to Give as Well as Receive

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 14th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am the mom of three wonderful little girls, but as of late not so wonderful. My husband and I work hard to teach them manners and respect, but we can't seem to get across to them to be grateful for what they have.

We don't have a lot of money because we live on one income, and we don't spoil them often because we can't afford to. Twice now, one of my girls has been unhappy with a gift she received. The first one she threw away; the second she refused to even accept! This isn't how we raised her.

I thought about doing some volunteer work with them, but I fear they are too young for it (4, 7 and 9). I want to raise kind, caring and giving girls. Your thoughts on this matter would be great. -- GRATEFUL MOM IN COLORADO

DEAR GRATEFUL MOM: Your 7- and 9-year-olds are NOT too young to learn that many children have far less than they do. Sometimes people need to see with their own eyes the challenges that others have to cope with in order to appreciate how fortunate they are. I think your idea of having them do some volunteer work with you is an excellent one, and it is not too early to start.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Sex Education Should Begin Before Kids Start to Experiment

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 13th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I know you provide a booklet to help teens with questions about sex. But when should I talk to my son or give him a copy? He will turn 9 soon. I know that is young, but kids today are exposed to so much so early. -- KRISTEN IN MARYLAND

DEAR KRISTEN: You're absolutely right; they are. They also mature earlier than children of previous generations. That's why it is so important for parents -- and guardians -- to begin discussing subjects like alcohol, drugs, sex and family values well before their children start experimenting. So talk to your son now. Do not be shocked if he tells you he has already heard it all from contemporaries. If he has, ask him to tell you what he knows, because what he heard may be inaccurate, and it will give you a chance to correct any misinformation.

My booklet "What Every Teen Should Know" can help to start the conversation. It has been distributed in doctors' offices and by educators and religious leaders, as well as parents like you who may find it uncomfortable to discuss these topics with their children. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Before giving your son the booklet, first read it yourself. The more information you can provide, the better prepared your son will be to make informed choices in the future.

Family & ParentingSex & GenderTeens
life

Anonymous Tip May Not Be the Best Way to Out a Cheating Spouse

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 13th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have observed (and experienced) that people won't tell you about a husband's or wife's infidelity while you and your spouse are together. However, they WILL reveal it after the divorce or death. What purpose does that serve?

If people don't want to get involved, then allow me to make a suggestion: Send an unsigned letter in the mail with no return address. There are also phone features that let a person place an anonymous call. Call the workplace of the cheated-on spouse if you don't have his or her cellphone number. However you can, give the person as much information as you know. If you do, maybe a marriage can be saved, or a spouse won't have to deal with an STD. Do you have an opinion, Abby? -- STRICTLY ANONYMOUS

DEAR STRICTLY ANONYMOUS: People who feel compelled to tell others something "for their own good" should closely examine their motives before doing it. Unsigned letters with no return address are usually sent by cranks trying to target someone they want to hurt, or to destroy a marriage. If someone takes it upon him- or herself to notify a spouse about a mate's cheating, that person should be honest enough to state who he/she is. If people can't do that, they should mind their own business.

While some wives -- or husbands -- may be ignorant about their spouse's infidelity, the truth is that many already do know something is wrong, but are not yet ready to deal with it.

Friends & NeighborsMarriage & Divorce

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