DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I have been together for three years and have a 1-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, our fights have become more frequent now. She suggested counseling, which I agree with. However, she insists I'm the one who is causing the problem and I should go first.

Sometimes we fight about finances, since I work to support our family while she looks after our daughter. We are a mixed-race couple and sometimes race comes into play. She accuses me of making demands on her because of my ethnicity (e.g., "You want an obedient partner because you're Chinese"). To me, that's racist, and I have told her so. Of course she disagrees.

Needless to say, that's my version of the story. Where can I find a good therapist? -- ROBERT IN NEW YORK

DEAR ROBERT: I agree you and your girlfriend could use some counseling, but you should get it together. That your girlfriend drags race into your financial disagreements is unfair to you.

Ask your physician if he or she knows a good counselor, check with your health insurance company for a referral, or visit the New York State Psychological Association website (nyspa.org) to find someone who is licensed to practice in your state.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about all the letters you've printed that assume every relationship must end in marriage -- or at least living together -- in order to work. It isn't so. Robert Parker, noted author of the Spenser novels, and his wife lived on separate floors of a duplex for decades. I have been with my significant other for 20 years, and the only thing that keeps us together is living apart.

In our case, we aren't married and we live in the same condo complex, a minute's walk apart. After we had spent about 10 years as a couple, the neighbors stopped asking me when we would be married.

I'm a 59-year-old woman; he's a 64-year-old man. He needs absolute minimalism in his home, as opposed to my need to have things out so I don't forget them. In short, we have different living styles.

I have met many other women who envy my living situation. They love their husbands, but find living together to be too stressful. Comments, Abby? -- CINDY IN NAPLES, FLA.

DEAR CINDY: My only comment would be that I'm glad you and your significant other have found a lifestyle that works for you and fosters your relationship. I hope you have many happy years together and apart.

DEAR ABBY: If I take my wife out for a nice dinner, is it rude for her to excuse herself a couple of times during dinner to go outside and smoke a cigarette? -- DINNER FOR TWO

DEAR D.F.T.: This isn't a question of rudeness. Your wife is severely addicted to nicotine. If she could make it through the meal without a fix, I'm sure she would. How sad!

DEAR ABBY: I share a large house with two other women. The homeowner, "Mary," works from a home office during the day. "Sue" is her baby sister. She has two small children and doesn't work. She lives here rent-free thanks to Mary's generosity. I pay rent. We keep all our food separate and eat our meals separately. We each have our assigned shelves in the refrigerator and cupboards.

Today I mentioned to Sue that I was making meatloaf tonight, and before I could say I'll save you a slice, she invited herself to help me eat it. I was so flabbergasted I couldn't think of a response. She also told both of her kids and a girlfriend of hers who came over to visit that "we" were all having meatloaf for dinner. I didn't realize it until the last minute.

I don't mind sharing once in a while, but I live on a fixed income. I had planned for the meatloaf to last the rest of the week for my dinners and sandwiches for lunch. I finally told her, just as the meatloaf was done, that I had made it for myself and not to share with everyone.

Now I feel like a heel, but I'm realizing that whenever I make a large amount of food, Sue seems to think it's to share. Why am I feeling bad about this when it was she who put me on the spot? How can I avoid this in the future? This isn't the first time it has happened. -- PUZZLED IN THE WEST

DEAR PUZZLED: You may feel guilty because you are not used to standing up for yourself, but if you don't speak up, this person will not respect your boundaries. Sue should not assume she's entitled to any of your food regardless of the amount you prepare. To prevent this from happening again, schedule a house meeting -- without the children -- and say it loud and clear.

DEAR ABBY: My family is colorful, to say the least. Many co­workers, neighbors, friends and in-laws have asked me why I haven't written a book about my life because of the stories I have told them over the years about my family. I have always wanted to, and feel there are enough stories to not only fill one book but several. Some of them are so funny, scary, sad and outrageous that I see a miniseries or a movie being possible.

My dilemma is how my brothers and sisters will react to my putting it all on paper and the world seeing it in print. I kept telling myself, "Just wait till Mom (many stories start with her) passes away, so she won't be hurt." Well, now she's gone.

What do you think? Should I write it all down or not? If the answer is yes, how do I tell my brothers and sisters? Or should I not tell them at all? -- FAMILY SECRETS

DEAR FAMILY SECRETS: If you would like to write the stories down, that's your privilege. However, if there is anything in them that could be hurtful or embarrassing to your relatives, I recommend you change all the names and locations, and publish it under a pen name. Some of the greatest writers of the past have done that with great success.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received a very competitive internship in New York. I'm excited and can't wait to go. I have never been to New York, and my mom is driving me crazy over it.

She's using my internship as an excuse to go on vacation to "see me," even though I have told her multiple times that I won't be able to do anything with her because I'll be working full time. She doesn't have a car and expects to use mine, and she's constantly sending me information about stuff "we" can do in New York. It is overwhelming, and I'm getting very stressed out.

I just want to go by myself and have my own experience. We don't have that good a relationship. Would it be bad if I asked her not to come? -- STRESSED OUT NEW INTERN

DEAR INTERN: You have already told your mother -- with whom you do not have a good relationship -- that you will be busy. Repeat that message often. When she sends you literature about things you can do together, point out that your time must be devoted to one thing -- your internship. If she makes reservations to come to New York, tell her you would prefer that she not come until your internship is finished, unless she's prepared to do all of the activities she's planning on her own.

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 and still a virgin. For the past 10 years I have had a vaginal infection. I'm scared that I can't have children. Because of this I have never allowed myself to date.

I'm terrified of going to a doctor. My father died of cancer when I was 17, and the thought of being diagnosed with cancer prevents me from going to get this looked at. I am very depressed about this and the stress is causing my hair to fall out. I need help, but I'm scared. What should I do? -- ANONYMOUS IN SANTA BARBARA, CALIF.

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You MUST see a doctor. If you need moral support, ask a trusted friend or relative to come with you. The only thing worse than dying of cancer would be to die of a disease that could have been cured had it been diagnosed early enough.

Although I am not licensed to practice medicine, allow me to suggest that if what you have is cancer, you would have known by now. That's why I'm urging you to act like the adult you are and talk to a gynecologist.

If you don't know of one or can't afford one, contact Planned Parenthood. It has clinics that provide the help you need. The caring people at Planned Parenthood will help you as they have helped many others, and they'll do it on a sliding payment scale, if necessary. Please let me hear from you again so I'll know you're OK.

DEAR ABBY: What's up with this beard trend? I am sick and tired of looking at unshaven men. It makes them look shaggy and not clean. I think that hairless faces should be the new trend. Let's clean up, please. Do you agree, Abby? -- JOAN IN FLORIDA

DEAR JOAN: As a woman who is married to a man with a beard, I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.