DEAR ABBY: I have a hard time differentiating between enabling and just helping out my sister. Throughout her adult life, even while she was married, she has never been able to make ends meet.

She's single now and in her 50s, a hardworking but underemployed, depressed individual. I have a good job and I feel guilty if I don't help her each month. (She doesn't ask, but drops enough hints that I know things aren't going well.)

I have suggested repeatedly that she needs to find a better job. I even send her job leads, but I'm not sure she actually ever applies. My friends and relatives say I should use tough love and stop helping her. But I hate to see her struggle, and I don't want her kicked out of her apartment.

I will be retiring soon and won't be able to continue giving her money. What should I do? -- SYMPATHETIC IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: Have a frank talk with your sister NOW. Ask her how many of the leads you gave her were followed up on. Because you say she is chronically depressed, encourage her to see a doctor and find out what kind of help there is for her. It may be the reason for her divorce and for her inability to seek other work and improve her financial situation.

That you will no longer be able to continue assisting her financially is something your sister needs to know ASAP, so she won't be cut off abruptly. This isn't tough love; that you will be on a fixed income is a fact of life. You have been a wonderful sister. You have done more than many people would, so do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself.

DEAR ABBY: It has been eight years since my first love, "Oliver," and I broke up. It was amicable and we both had closure. I have been in my current relationship for six years. We love each other very much and have two beautiful kids together.

I don't often think about Oliver and we haven't spoken since our split. But the crazy thing is, I dream about him constantly. The dreams are pretty tame and they don't make sense. I don't understand why this is happening. I know myself and I know I don't miss Oliver. I'm happy in my current relationship. So what gives, Abby? -- TROUBLED OUT WEST

DEAR TROUBLED: I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. I was taught years ago that the things we see in our dreams are manifestations of our subconscious and are not meant to be taken literally. What you are dreaming about may not actually be Oliver at all, but something he symbolizes. Perhaps it's freedom, or youth -- who knows? But if the dreams persist and they bother you, I'm sure a couple of sessions with a licensed mental health professional would ease your mind.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who is a bed-wetter. It's obvious because he's constantly doing laundry and his home smells bad at times. We once shared a hotel room, and I was awakened in the middle of the night by a strong smell of urine.

He tries to hide his problem, but seems to be doing little if anything to find a solution for it. I want to persuade him to get some help, but I don't feel comfortable saying anything, and I don't want to embarrass him. What can I do? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: What would you want your friend to do if the situation were reversed, and you were the person with the bed-wetting problem? Friends communicate with each other. Talk privately with this person. Say you think there "may" be a problem and urge him to discuss it with a urologist.

There is help for bed-wetters -- medications, as well as mechanical devices -- that in many cases can fix the problem. But only if the sufferers -- and bed-wetters do suffer -- know help is available and are willing to ask for it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are good drivers and enjoy driving. But we get into arguments during road trips about who should drive. He feels he should drive because "he's the man." I feel we should take turns. We both hate being the passenger. Can you give us some good advice? -- DRIVING IT HOME IN ARIZONA

DEAR DRIVING IT HOME: Yes. Instead of spoiling your road trip by arguing while you're on the road, have an agreement before you leave about how the driving duties will be shared. Because sitting in the passenger seat can become boring after a while, some couples split their trips into equal shifts. Others agree that one spouse will drive to the destination and the other will drive on the trip home. It has less to do with "who's the man" than with fairness.

DEAR ABBY: I am 54. My daughter is 25 and married with two kids. Her dad and I have been divorced for almost 10 years. Three years ago, I met a wonderful man. After dating for about a year, we were married. It's been heavenly; I love my life.

My problem is my daughter. She's angry that I remarried. She told me she should be first in my life. She no longer calls me Mom and now calls me by my first name when she talks to me, which isn't often. I am no longer allowed to be around her or my grandchildren.

I am heartbroken. I feel like she expects me to choose between my husband and her. Abby, she is married and has her own family. I was very lonely until I finally found happiness. I don't want to be cut out of her life and I have no intention of leaving my husband. Please tell me what to do. -- HEARTBROKEN IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: For your own emotional well-being, accept that you have an immature, selfish, resentful daughter who is determined to punish you for going on with your life. Much as you might wish to, you can't change another person. You can, however, change yourself by looking straight ahead and toughening up your hide.

That your daughter would punish her children by depriving them of a grandmother who loves them for the reason she has is disgraceful. My advice is to move on, and if you're "stuck," talk about it with a licensed mental health counselor.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are board members of a local club. Yesterday we attended a special board meeting intended to resolve an issue within the club. Prior to the meeting, my wife and I agreed that we were against the proposed action. After much discussion, a voice vote was taken and I ended up casting the only "no" vote.

I feel betrayed because my wife told me one thing and then did the exact opposite. How do I move past this resentment? It's difficult to have a rational discussion with her because she easily becomes angry and emotional. -- DAVID IN FLORIDA

DEAR DAVID: Calmly ask your wife why she changed her vote after having agreed she would vote in sync with you. Then let her explain. And in the future, be prepared ahead of time to vote your conscience without support from her.

DEAR ABBY: I had to pick up two women and the first one was younger. When I picked her up, she got in the back seat so the older woman could sit in front. I thought she should have gotten in the front with me and then, when we got to the other house, got out and let the older woman in front.

Was I wrong to feel uncomfortable that she got in the back seat like I was some kind of chauffeur? It's a petty annoyance, but my husband says what she did was OK. Just curious to see what you think. -- JUDY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR JUDY: I agree with your husband. By getting in the back seat, your passenger avoided the hassle of trading seats with the second person you were picking up. Logistically, what she did made sense.