DEAR ABBY: I've been with my fiance for three years and I'm very much in love. A few months ago I asked to use his phone to look up something on the Internet because my battery had died. It opened up to a gay porn site! I was shocked and asked him if it was something he was looking at. He admitted that it was.

Nothing like this has happened to me before, so I began asking if that's what he likes and is into. He assured me the answer was no. He said he looked because he was simply curious about it. He told me he loves women and doesn't want to be with men. He said he was just looking.

I believe him, but is this normal behavior? -- WEIRDED OUT IN THE WEST

DEAR WEIRDED OUT: I took your question to an expert on the subject of adult entertainment viewing, Larry Flynt. He said that while CURIOSITY is normal, not many heterosexual men make a habit of viewing gay male porn sites. He added that if your fiance is a regular consumer of this kind of entertainment, he may have latent homosexual tendencies.

I then consulted Jack Drescher, M.D., a psychoanalyst and expert on gender and sexuality, who told me that some people fantasize about people of the same sex, but never act on it. According to Dr. Drescher, what is important is that you and your fiance are able to talk about sex honestly and openly. If you need more assurances, continue this discussion so that you both will know what you're getting if your betrothal leads to marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 40 years is a smoker. I am not, but have learned to live with the smell, etc. Most of the time he smokes outside, except in winter, when he opens the bathroom window, smokes his cigarette, puts it out in the toilet and disposes of the butt in the trash can.

He has begun a new behavior that is really bothering me. When he wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, he'll light up a cigarette, take a few puffs and then put it out and return to bed. When he gets back in our bed, he stinks! And he coughs and coughs.

I try not to nag him about his smoking, but I'd really like to bring this up. Any suggestions on how? -- IN A STINK IN ALASKA

DEAR IN A STINK: If your husband can't sleep through the night without smoking, it should be obvious to you that your husband is seriously addicted to nicotine. How sad for him. Suggest that he keep a pack of nicotine gum in the medicine cabinet and chew it rather than light up before he returns to bed. That may solve your problem.

DEAR ABBY: We rented a house for my companion's sibling reunion. During a conversation over breakfast, one sister became extremely upset with another sister for inserting herself into the conversation. I tried to make light of the situation and remarked to the offended sister that in a social gathering at a table, conversations are not private, but open and shared with others. She disagreed and insisted I was wrong. Have I been rude all of my life? Please settle this for us. -- CURIOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CURIOUS: You have not been rude all your life. However, in this case you were foolish to put yourself in the middle of a sibling conflict -- one that has probably been going on since the sisters were children. The next time it happens -- and it will -- pretend that you are Switzerland and remain neutral.

DEAR ABBY: I need some relationship advice. How do you handle household expenses with a partner?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 10 years. In all this time, he has never once split any of the expenses with me. I pay for everything. He does buy groceries, although not all of them. He also helps around the house and with my daughter.

If I bring up the issue of sharing expenses, it turns into a fight. He says he's "sorry" he doesn't make enough money. Then he says all that matters to me is money and threatens to move out.

I feel completely taken advantage of because he DOES have the money to make $300-plus monthly payments for his new boat that's sitting in my garage. To me it's all about priorities. I would like a new car, but I have other monthly bills to pay.

Is it just me, or is this unfair? -- UP TO HERE WITH IT IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR UP TO HERE: It's not just you. You have been carrying the lion's share of the load. But unless you are finally ready to insist upon a new arrangement with this man -- who has had it pretty good for the last 10 YEARS -- nothing will change.

It's time to ask yourself whether what he does contribute -- on every level -- is enough to satisfy you. If it isn't, be prepared to tell him you need to find an equal partner, and if he's unwilling to be that person, he should move.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago I had major affection for a man. We talked every chance we could. We arranged times we could sit together and just talk. There was lots of flirting, eye contact, and this overwhelming feeling of bliss -- butterflies in the stomach -- all of that.

The problem was he was married. Once I realized it, I was devastated because I understood what I wanted could never be. I feel so lost. I'm now considering going to counseling.

I still hear from others that he mentions me or says he misses me, but this is old news. Now there's someone else, and it's the same problem -- just a different setting.

I feel so guilty for crushing on unattainable men. What's wrong with me? Why can't I like someone who is available? I've liked guys my own age before, and ones who were single, but there's something exciting about older unavailable men.

I don't want to feel this way, but I know that when I try to fight these feelings they just become stronger. I won't act on them, but I wish I could change them. How can I? -- FEELING GUILTY IN OHIO

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: The quickest way to do that would be to talk about these feelings with a licensed mental health professional. When you do, be prepared to touch on all of your relationships with men, including your father -- who is usually the first "unattainable" man with whom a little girl falls in love. I am pretty sure you will find that conversation illuminating.

Once you understand your feelings, it may be easier for you to find a man who is truly available -- if a relationship beyond a mad flirtation is what you really want, that is.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 12 years and I have few common interests. I am earthy, nature-loving, people-loving and crave a rural lifestyle. He's an introvert, loves everything Western, enjoys his downtime and watches a lot of television. He dislikes animals and is a sports fanatic.

I don't criticize his interests. I allow him his hobbies. My problem is, our dreams of the future can't be combined. My off-the-grid homestead and his 70-inch TV don't exactly fit.

It's depressing that we don't appreciate each other's interests, and doing all of our hobbies separately is lonely. How can I experience my dreams when they are not my husband's dreams? -- HIPPIE JANE IN PROVO, UTAH

DEAR HIPPIE JANE: Try doing that by remembering what you had in common with your husband 13 years ago. Is the core of your relationship still a good one? Couples don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7. Can't each of you enjoy your hobbies and interests separately? Many couples do.

However, if the answer is that you have grown increasingly apart in the last 12 years, the only way you can each experience your dreams may be to do it alone or with other like-minded people.

DEAR ABBY: I am deathly afraid of snakes! My daughter, who lives in Canada, recently informed me that they had acquired one through a teacher at my grandsons' school. Of course, the three boys are thrilled.

My problem is, we are going to visit my daughter and her family in a few weeks. I am terrified to the point of losing sleep and breaking down crying just thinking about it. What should I do? I want to see my family, but there is no house big enough for me AND a snake. Please help. --TERRIFIED IN CYPRESS, TEXAS

DEAR TERRIFIED: If you were planning to stay at your daughter's, scale back your plans and reserve a room at a nearby hotel or motel. This will give you eight or 10 hours a day nowhere near the reptile. If your daughter is unaware of your phobia, put her on notice that the snake is to be confined to its cage in a room with a firmly closed door while you are in the house -- and further, you do not wish to make its acquaintance.

Talk to your doctor before you go and ask for enough anti-anxiety medication to calm your nerves while you are there. Then go and have a good time.

DEAR ABBY: We took my wealthy daughter, husband and their four children to dinner at a very nice restaurant. We insisted on paying. In fact, we even restricted what we ordered so they could each have an expensive dish that they only picked at.

When it was over and it was obvious that they weren't taking home any leftovers, I started to motion to our waitress to ask for take-home boxes so my wife and I could take all of their uneaten food. My wife shot me the "don't you dare!" look, so all of it wound up in a dumpster. Needless to say, it became an issue. Was I wrong to want to take home their uneaten meals? -- PEEVED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PEEVED: Not as far as I'm concerned. Because your daughter and her family didn't like what they ordered -- and you were footing the bill -- there was no breach of etiquette in asking for a box for the leftovers.