life

Depressed Pregnant Wife Is Confined by Abusive Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 1st, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 39 and seven months' pregnant with my husband's only child. Since becoming pregnant, I have become somewhat withdrawn due to depression. My doctor prescribed Paxil, but my husband won't allow me to take it. I don't leave the house unless I absolutely need to because he accuses me of cheating on him daily.

Two nights ago he took a single female friend out to dinner and they were gone for five hours. It hurt my feelings because in my view it was disrespectful on both their parts. When they got back, I was sitting outside and she wouldn't even come to say goodbye to me. When I asked my husband why I hadn't been invited, he said, "Neither of us wanted you there."

In his eyes he has done nothing wrong. He tells me I'm crazy and I need mental help. Am I wrong for being so upset? -- NOT CRAZY IN TEXAS

DEAR NOT CRAZY: Not at all. It appears you are married to a controlling, emotionally abusive man who may be cheating on you. One of the hallmarks of philanderers is that they will accuse the innocent partner of cheating. Feeling depressed during a pregnancy under these circumstances isn't surprising. (If you felt any other way, you wouldn't be normal.)

That your doctor would prescribe an antidepressant and your husband would "not allow" you to take it is alarming. If you have close friends and family, I urge you to tell them what's going on. And while you're at it, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) -- the phone number is 1-800-799-7233 -- because you may need help to get safely away.

AbuseHealth & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Sister Lets It All Hang Out in Overcrowded Family Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 1st, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I currently live in a situation where my husband, our two kids and I share a home with my parents, two sisters and younger brother. Sometimes it seems crowded because there is no privacy and a lack of respect.

Lately I am having a problem with my sister. Despite the fact that she and my family share the upstairs level of the home, she continues to walk around nude or in her undergarments throughout the day because she "hates" wearing clothes. At various times my family members and I have had uncomfortable encounters with her over this. I have talked to her about it repeatedly, but she refuses to cooperate.

I think it's rude, inconsiderate and inappropriate, not to mention a completely avoidable problem. What do you think? Am I wrong for being upset that her behavior doesn't change and the message doesn't seem to get through to her? -- CLOTHES-MINDED

DEAR CLOTHES-MINDED: I agree that your sister's behavior is inappropriate. She should not be parading around in a state of undress in front of your husband and children. Because she has chosen to ignore your requests, enlist the help of your parents to get the message across to her. It's their roof she's under, and perhaps they will have better luck.

life

Wife Can't Get Past Anger at Husband Who Cheated

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 29th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband cheated on me and told me to find somebody else. He moved in with the other woman and spread lies about me, telling my in-laws that I had cheated on him. He was on probation, so I reported to his probation officer that he was lying about where he was living. He was arrested for it.

He is now incarcerated and facing a two-year prison sentence. We're trying to work on our marriage, but I haven't told him that I'm the person who reported him to his probation officer. I'm still angry at him for cheating on me. When I write him, I tend to bring up what he did when he was out. I have told him I forgave him, but lately, I don't even take time to respond to his letters. What should I do? -- JUST PLAIN ANGRY

DEAR ANGRY: You're not writing to your husband because you are still angry with him, and this is another way of punishing him for leaving you. What you should do is ask yourself, honestly and rationally, if it's worth it to try and get past the fact that he not only cheated, but tried to damage your reputation as well. What you should NOT do, for your own safety, is tell him that the person who turned him in for a parole violation was you.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Wedding Album Is Bittersweet Reminder of Short-Lived Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 29th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do with my parents' wedding album. My mother gave it to me as a gift when I was a teen, and I assume it was a coming-of-age consideration. I'm now in my 30s with a career that has me moving around frequently. I have moved once a year for at least the last five years, and I have had to pack up this album and box it every time.

I think that when my mother gave it to me, she figured I would pass it on to grandchildren, but I have chosen to not reproduce. My parents' marriage was anything but storybook. What little I remember was abusive and chaotic, and my parents split up before I reached kindergarten.

While these photos are fantastic imagery of a certain era, I do not want to move them around anymore. My father has since passed, and my mother lives in a small apartment on limited means, so I don't want to return it to her. She is also quite sentimental, and I'm afraid that handing this heirloom back to her will be disruptive.

I'm getting ready to move again and don't want to schlep this unwanted item to yet another location. Any advice? -- BREAKING WITH THE PAST

DEAR BREAKING: I see no reason why you should feel compelled to hang onto a memento of your parents' failed, unhappy marriage. However, I do not think you should get rid of it without first offering it back to your mother. Although her apartment is small, she might want to make room for it not only because she's sentimental, but also because it is a part of her history -- like any other family album.

If she doesn't want it back, consider offering it to another relative -- aunt, uncle, etc. -- or your state historical society before disposing of it.

Family & Parenting
life

Service With a Smile Is Hard to Deliver With Bad Teeth

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 28th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem of my own making. When I was a young child/teenager, I never brushed my teeth. Because of it, the enamel on my teeth eroded and I have cavities, really bad ones. Add to that a desperate fear of dentists, and my teeth are in horrible shape now. When I smile, my front teeth are mostly black. I work in customer service. I'm too young to have awful teeth, and I'm ashamed.

I saw a dentist recently and I have made appointments to have my dental issues addressed, but it's expensive and it won't be for a few months. I have never been so aware of how bad my teeth are as I am now, and I consciously keep myself from smiling. It makes working in customer service really hard because I'm constantly thinking, "Don't let them see your teeth." But even when I'm just talking, I know people can see them.

It's impossible to say, "I know my teeth are disgusting, but I'm getting them fixed, so please don't judge me" to every person I meet, but I very much feel like doing so. I'm a socially anxious person anyway and this is killing my already poor social skills. I need advice. -- HIDING MY SMILE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HIDING: I have addressed the importance of good oral hygiene in this column before, so I won't belabor it. For the sake of your overall physical health, I'm very glad you have finally decided to deal with your dental problem. It will pay big dividends in the future.

For the time being, having set up appointments to get your dental work -- and possibly periodontal work -- done, you are doing all you can. If you weren't good at your job, you wouldn't have lasted at it for as long as you have. When customers come to you for help, they are less interested in your teeth than in what you can do to solve their problems, so you shouldn't let yourself be sidetracked by what they "might" think about them. Do your job, keep those dental appointments religiously, and your problems will solve themselves.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Woman Is Surprised at Her Reluctance to Share Her First Apartment

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 28th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Over the past month or so, I find myself being super territorial about my home and the things that are in it. This is my first apartment on my own after having had a roommate for three years.

Recently, my significant other got sick, and he was constantly here because I had to take care of him. Also, my family was here over the holidays. I didn't want anyone in my room or using my bathroom -- not even my sick boyfriend.

Part of the reason was he was sick and, secondly, he was keeping me up at night using my master bath every five minutes. Working long hours, then having to come home and take care of a man who was hardheaded about his health was exhausting. I needed my space and to rest.

Could this be why I don't want anyone in my home? I feel bad about being this way, especially toward my own family and boyfriend. -- SUPER TERRITORIAL

DEAR TERRITORIAL: By now you should have been able to get some rest, so I hesitate to blame fatigue for your feelings. I suspect they may have more to do with the fact that this is the first home in which you are living independently, and you want to keep it pristine. People often feel the same way when they buy a new car.

Love & DatingMental Health

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