life

Wife Can't Get Past Anger at Husband Who Cheated

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 29th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband cheated on me and told me to find somebody else. He moved in with the other woman and spread lies about me, telling my in-laws that I had cheated on him. He was on probation, so I reported to his probation officer that he was lying about where he was living. He was arrested for it.

He is now incarcerated and facing a two-year prison sentence. We're trying to work on our marriage, but I haven't told him that I'm the person who reported him to his probation officer. I'm still angry at him for cheating on me. When I write him, I tend to bring up what he did when he was out. I have told him I forgave him, but lately, I don't even take time to respond to his letters. What should I do? -- JUST PLAIN ANGRY

DEAR ANGRY: You're not writing to your husband because you are still angry with him, and this is another way of punishing him for leaving you. What you should do is ask yourself, honestly and rationally, if it's worth it to try and get past the fact that he not only cheated, but tried to damage your reputation as well. What you should NOT do, for your own safety, is tell him that the person who turned him in for a parole violation was you.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Wedding Album Is Bittersweet Reminder of Short-Lived Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 29th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do with my parents' wedding album. My mother gave it to me as a gift when I was a teen, and I assume it was a coming-of-age consideration. I'm now in my 30s with a career that has me moving around frequently. I have moved once a year for at least the last five years, and I have had to pack up this album and box it every time.

I think that when my mother gave it to me, she figured I would pass it on to grandchildren, but I have chosen to not reproduce. My parents' marriage was anything but storybook. What little I remember was abusive and chaotic, and my parents split up before I reached kindergarten.

While these photos are fantastic imagery of a certain era, I do not want to move them around anymore. My father has since passed, and my mother lives in a small apartment on limited means, so I don't want to return it to her. She is also quite sentimental, and I'm afraid that handing this heirloom back to her will be disruptive.

I'm getting ready to move again and don't want to schlep this unwanted item to yet another location. Any advice? -- BREAKING WITH THE PAST

DEAR BREAKING: I see no reason why you should feel compelled to hang onto a memento of your parents' failed, unhappy marriage. However, I do not think you should get rid of it without first offering it back to your mother. Although her apartment is small, she might want to make room for it not only because she's sentimental, but also because it is a part of her history -- like any other family album.

If she doesn't want it back, consider offering it to another relative -- aunt, uncle, etc. -- or your state historical society before disposing of it.

Family & Parenting
life

Service With a Smile Is Hard to Deliver With Bad Teeth

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 28th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem of my own making. When I was a young child/teenager, I never brushed my teeth. Because of it, the enamel on my teeth eroded and I have cavities, really bad ones. Add to that a desperate fear of dentists, and my teeth are in horrible shape now. When I smile, my front teeth are mostly black. I work in customer service. I'm too young to have awful teeth, and I'm ashamed.

I saw a dentist recently and I have made appointments to have my dental issues addressed, but it's expensive and it won't be for a few months. I have never been so aware of how bad my teeth are as I am now, and I consciously keep myself from smiling. It makes working in customer service really hard because I'm constantly thinking, "Don't let them see your teeth." But even when I'm just talking, I know people can see them.

It's impossible to say, "I know my teeth are disgusting, but I'm getting them fixed, so please don't judge me" to every person I meet, but I very much feel like doing so. I'm a socially anxious person anyway and this is killing my already poor social skills. I need advice. -- HIDING MY SMILE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HIDING: I have addressed the importance of good oral hygiene in this column before, so I won't belabor it. For the sake of your overall physical health, I'm very glad you have finally decided to deal with your dental problem. It will pay big dividends in the future.

For the time being, having set up appointments to get your dental work -- and possibly periodontal work -- done, you are doing all you can. If you weren't good at your job, you wouldn't have lasted at it for as long as you have. When customers come to you for help, they are less interested in your teeth than in what you can do to solve their problems, so you shouldn't let yourself be sidetracked by what they "might" think about them. Do your job, keep those dental appointments religiously, and your problems will solve themselves.

Health & SafetyWork & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Woman Is Surprised at Her Reluctance to Share Her First Apartment

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 28th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Over the past month or so, I find myself being super territorial about my home and the things that are in it. This is my first apartment on my own after having had a roommate for three years.

Recently, my significant other got sick, and he was constantly here because I had to take care of him. Also, my family was here over the holidays. I didn't want anyone in my room or using my bathroom -- not even my sick boyfriend.

Part of the reason was he was sick and, secondly, he was keeping me up at night using my master bath every five minutes. Working long hours, then having to come home and take care of a man who was hardheaded about his health was exhausting. I needed my space and to rest.

Could this be why I don't want anyone in my home? I feel bad about being this way, especially toward my own family and boyfriend. -- SUPER TERRITORIAL

DEAR TERRITORIAL: By now you should have been able to get some rest, so I hesitate to blame fatigue for your feelings. I suspect they may have more to do with the fact that this is the first home in which you are living independently, and you want to keep it pristine. People often feel the same way when they buy a new car.

Mental HealthLove & Dating
life

Mom Happily Sent 'Difficult Daughter' Far, Far Away

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a poor family on a farm in the South. I worked very hard during my childhood. Throughout my childhood, I was told I was a "bad girl" who always did the wrong things or who would never stop talking. When I was 16, I moved more than 1,000 miles away. My mother happily drove me to the airport to go and live with my 21-year-old boyfriend.

I am 29 now and still live more than 1,000 miles away. To this day, when I try to discuss (with my mother) why she sent me away so young, she tells me I was "too difficult of a child" and that was what I wanted, so she signed me over at the end of 10th grade before summer break. I will never forget how happy she was to drop me off at the airport.

I wasn't the greatest child, I know. I know I was bad. Can 16-year-olds choose where and with whom they live? Or should the parents make those decisions? Please help me. -- LOST AND LONELY

DEAR LOST AND LONELY: It's a shame that when babies emerge they don't bring with them a set of detailed instructions. You appear to be the daughter of a woman who didn't know how to be a good mother.

Children who receive positive reinforcement for good behavior are usually better behaved than those who have it drilled into them from a young age that they are "bad." When that happens, a child begins to believe what the parent is saying and act on it.

While some 16-year-olds are mature enough to decide where and with whom they want to live, it is usually with a relative or qualified guardian and not a boyfriend. However, from reading your letter, I can't escape the feeling that what's really bothering you is the idea that, by giving in to your wishes, your mother rejected you. To work that through, you may need the help of a licensed therapist.

Family & Parenting
life

Girl Tires of High School Boyfriend's Grade School Sense of Humor

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a girl in my junior year of high school. My boyfriend of three years is very good to me, affectionate, attentive and very good looking. I don't think he cheats on me, but he does have serious flatulence. He thinks it's hilarious and does it in public just to embarrass me to death. He also does it at the end of lovemaking, which I think is gross and he thinks is the funniest thing in the world.

Abby, he's the only serious boyfriend I have ever had. Are all guys this gross and inappropriate? It's putting a serious damper on how I feel about him. Please help me to save our relationship. -- TIRED OF NATURAL GAS IN FLORIDA

DEAR TIRED: Your boyfriend's problem isn't his flatulence; it's his immaturity. Young children think flatulence is fall-down funny, but they usually outgrow the kind of humor you describe by the time they reach his age.

Tell him what he's doing isn't funny to you, that it is making you think less of him and will be a deal-breaker if he doesn't stop. If you do, it may save the relationship -- unless you want to continue being the girlfriend of the class clown. (Or should I say, "NO-class clown"?)

TeensLove & Dating

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