DEAR ABBY: Why is there so much angst today over raising children, especially in young mothers? I don't remember my mother or my friends' mothers being so concerned about whether or not they were doing a good job, and I certainly didn't gather with my daughters' friends' moms to bemoan whether I was a bad mother.

Now there are all these blogs and workshops, etc. on how to be the "best" mom, and all these lifestyle gurus who constantly tell them not to worry, they're doing a great job. It just seems like a bunch of nonsense to me.

I think it's because a generation or so back, moms began to elevate their children to top priority in the family over their husbands. What's your take? -- PUZZLED GRANDMA IN THE SOUTH

DEAR PUZZLED: The world is different today. Many women feel torn because they want or need to work, while at the same time feel pressured to help their children succeed in an increasingly competitive world. (Is the child academically prepared for kindergarten? Is the child able to work cooperatively with others? Is the school highly rated enough? What and how many extracurricular activities will boost their child's chances of excelling?)

While it may seem like nonsense to you, I assure you it does not seem like nonsense to them. Women of your generation didn't second-guess themselves because parenting a generation ago was simpler. If children seem to be the No. 1 priority these days it may be because both parents feel driven to succeed and are determined that their children will, too.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 11 years. We are financially and emotionally stable. We recently became friendly with another couple who are newly married and not as financially secure as we are. They spend frivolously.

When we go on vacation, they invite themselves along and assume they are staying in our travel trailer without asking (they have their own trailer they could bring). They don't offer to help pay for gas. The last trip we took, the wife cooked only one meal, while I prepared the rest for a three-day trip. This upcoming trip, they haven't offered to bring anything.

We don't mind sharing what we have and helping our friends out, but what we are starting to resent is the assumption that because we make more money, we'll pick up the tab for everything. Are we wrong to feel this way? My husband and I both see this the same way. -- STARTING TO RESENT THEM

DEAR STARTING TO RESENT THEM: It's not wrong to not want to be taken advantage of. This wouldn't be happening if you had established some rules in the beginning, but it isn't too late to do it now.

Call the wife. Tell her what you expect her and her husband to bring on the next trip, and what chores they will be expected to perform. It isn't fair that you are doing all the work and paying for everything while they are on your vacation.

They should provide -- or pay for -- half the groceries, half the gas, and share any housekeeping responsibilities. Ditto if you go to a restaurant. And the next time they tell you they are coming with you on your vacation, don't hesitate or feel guilty when you reply, "We'd like some privacy this time, so it will just be the two of us."

DEAR ABBY: A foreign friend used the "n" word while commenting about an employee at a hotel we were staying in. After he said it a second time, I slapped him and told him that word was never acceptable, regardless of the reason.

I feel bad about hitting him, but entirely justified in motive and intent. I really can't think of another, more effective way of registering how offended I am in a situation like this. Should I apologize? Should it be a qualified apology?

I tried to explain the complex racial history of the U.S. and why the word was so hurtful, but he seemed disinclined to understand. What is the right way to react in such a situation? -- ANONYMOUS IN THE USA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You should not have let the first remark go without speaking up. The right way to respond to the person's racist comment would have been to say that it offended you and you would prefer not to hear that kind of language from him again. Physical violence is not the correct way to get a point across.

If you must associate with this person, apologize for flying off the handle. Otherwise, avoid him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with two men. My husband, "Victor," and I have been together for nine years and were married last year. The other man in my life, "Wade," was my boss, and we've been seeing each other for two years.

They are polar opposites and make me happy in different ways. I was engaged and planning my wedding when Wade and I started our relationship. I chose to marry Victor for emotional stability and because we had built a life together. I can't imagine a life without him. At the same time, I can't imagine not being with Wade.

If I stop seeing Wade, I know I won't be happy and he'll always be on my mind. I will always wonder about what could have been. If I divorce my husband, I'll break his heart, and it won't be easy.

Last week Wade demanded that I decide between him and my husband. He wants an exclusive relationship with me. I'm in a panic because I can't decide, but I know I will lose Wade if I don't do it soon. I need advice because I don't know which way to go. -- STUCK AT A CROSSROADS IN FLORIDA

DEAR STUCK: You chose to marry Victor because you wanted emotional stability, and you had built a life together. Obviously, that isn't enough for you, or you wouldn't be cheating with Wade. If what you really want is a marriage filled with passion, tumult and the possibility of infidelity, by all means choose your former boss. That way, you won't be bored, and Victor will then be free to find a loving, faithful wife who appreciates what he has to offer.

DEAR ABBY: No matter what I do, I am never satisfied. I have a great wife and two great kids, and yet I always feel like I could have done better with my life. I go to work and no matter how hard I work, I feel like I never get recognition for it. When I go out with friends, we have a great time, but I never feel like I am really part of the group. I feel like the outcast who gets invited just so they won't feel bad.

I don't know why I feel this way. I do suffer from depression and have spoken to a specialist. People often tell me that I spread myself too thin and never relax enough to enjoy my success. But how can I relax when I always feel unsatisfied with my efforts? -- JUST NOT SATISFIED

DEAR NOT SATISFIED: A way to do that would be to start by examining why you are so hard on yourself. Whether it was caused by parents who didn't give you the validation you needed while growing up or a lack of self-esteem, until you understand why you are hurting yourself this way, your problem won't be resolved. You say you have spoken to "a specialist" about your depression. Perhaps it's time for another visit and a chat about what's really bothering you.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago when I was married, I bought a beautiful two-carat solitaire ring as a sign of my accomplishment at work. Now that I'm divorced, I continue to wear the ring on my wedding ring finger.

I love the ring, but my mother and friends say I am chasing away suitors who mistake it for an engagement ring. Do you agree with them? I don't want to wear this on any other finger and have no plans to give it up. -- STUBBORN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STUBBORN: I agree with your mother and your friends that what you're doing sends a wrong message. When a woman wears a diamond on the third finger of her left hand in this culture, it means that she's not available. Nowhere have I ever heard that it signifies that she's successful at work.

However, I am puzzled about one thing: Can you please explain, since you refuse to wear the ring on another finger or give it up, why you are asking me for advice?

DEAR ABBY: My husband talks out loud and carries on conversations with himself. Sometimes when I'm in another room, I hear him talking, and I think he must be on the phone or that someone is here.

One time he was outside and speaking so loudly I thought a neighbor had dropped by, so I asked him which one. He admitted he was only talking to himself.

Is this a brain disorder, and is there a name for it? -- CURIOUS IN THE EAST

DEAR CURIOUS: I don't think it's a brain disorder, so quit worrying. When I do this -- and I admit that I sometimes do -- and my husband mentions it, I tell him I'm talking to the person who understands me the best. (If it was something to worry about, I would probably have been certified long ago.)

P.S. If this bothers you, ask him to speak more softly.