DEAR ABBY: There is a topic I haven't seen addressed in your column, namely being sexually abused by a spouse. I ended my marriage because my husband was waking me at 2 a.m. demanding sex. He expected me to have sex only a week after I had our baby, although my doctor had said I should wait six weeks. If I thought something he wanted me to do was degrading, he insisted I do it anyway.

It amazes me that the subject of spousal abuse isn't mentioned in premarital counseling. No one seems willing to acknowledge this kind of abuse exists. Is there even a "survivors" network or support group to cope? I went to individual counseling, but it didn't help me.

I think it would be helpful if society would acknowledge this kind of thing does happen. I also think that those who offer premarital counseling should be required to discuss the warning signs of a sexual abuser. -- THE EX MRS. BROWN

DEAR EX MRS. BROWN: It is interesting that this topic isn't addressed more often, because domestic violence can happen to anyone and it shouldn't be overlooked. No one has the right to coerce a partner into doing something she or he doesn't want to do, whether it's done through physical violence or relentless verbal abuse.

When there is forced sex in a marriage, the name for it is marital or spousal rape. Like any other kind of rape, it is not an act of love but a way of asserting control and dominance. If you contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), it should be able to refer you to a support group for survivors. The toll-free number to call is 800-656-4673. (You can also find it online at rainn.org.)

DEAR ABBY: How do you handle an ex-son-in-law who "confides" in his 9-year-old and 7-year-old children? My granddaughter came to me yesterday and said her dad told her he's not going to pay child support and is going to quit his job. Now she is worried her daddy will become homeless and have to live on the street.

I know he is self-centered. He has started abusing narcotics and is moving in with a girl half his age. I told my granddaughter that no matter what happens, her mom and dad will always love her. There is court-ordered support, but none has been paid. Any advice would be appreciated. -- GRANDPA IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR GRANDPA: "Daddy" is not going to lose his apartment; he has chosen to move in with his girlfriend. That's a lot different than becoming homeless. Reassure your grandchildren, but do not lie. Your daughter should discuss with an attorney the fact that her ex isn't meeting his child support obligation, and contact the state agencies that help to collect it.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law has asked me to pay for repairs to the passenger seat of her car. She was picking up my 9-year-old to stay the night, and when he got inside, he moved the seat forward to better fit his stature. She got upset and said, "The seat was broken. We had it set just right for me when I'm the passenger."

Since he adjusted it she hasn't been able to reset it. When I asked if there was a note on the dash that read "Do not move seat," she said no. Then I asked, if this was her best friend's son, would she be requesting money to repair an already broken seat? Her response was, "No." Am I wrong to think she was out of line to ask? -- FUMING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR FUMING: You're not wrong. If your sister-in-law had warned your son not to touch the seat before he adjusted it, she might have a leg to stand on. However, if she's short of money and was baby-sitting your son as a favor, in the interest of keeping peace in the family, offer to contribute to the cost of the repair.

DEAR ABBY: What are the dangers of driving while on strong painkillers? Since codeine is a controlled substance that you have to sign for to receive the prescription, does it impair distance vision and reaction time?

My elderly dad says as long as he has taken the pill the night before, it's all right for him to drive. He takes about 12 different medications every day, and the pain medicine must stay in his system at all times to work effectively.

Are other drivers in danger when he drives under the influence of prescription drugs? Can he be arrested if he hits someone? His car is already dented because he hit something. It would be a shame for him to cause some innocent driver who encounters him on the highway to be crippled or die. What do you think? -- MEDICATED IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR MEDICATED: I am not an expert in pharmacology. I suggest you compile a list of all the drugs your father is taking -- both prescription drugs and the over-the-counter variety. Take the list to his pharmacist and ask these questions. He or she can give you the answers you need because some drugs can interact with each other.

DEAR ABBY: A friend and I had a falling-out over a manners thing. When three people eat out together and everyone orders their own dessert, is it rude to not allow someone to take a bite of yours?

This friend wanted to taste another one's dessert and the guy said no. The friend then claimed the refuser was rude because he didn't want to share. Was the person wrong to have declined? -- JUST ONE BITE

DEAR JUST ONE: Whether to share one's food is a matter of personal preference. No rule of etiquette demands that someone do so just because it has been requested, and it wasn't rude to refuse.

DEAR ABBY: I have been working for four years. I need to work to help my husband financially. However, over the last few months, I've felt torn about not being a stay-at-home mom.

My grandmother, who is in her 70s, has been taking care of my son full time while I work, but her health isn't the greatest now. I don't trust any of the day care in my area and can't afford one anyway.

I really want to be a stay-at-home mom, but still feel obligated to help bring in money. How do I get over my guilt for not wanting to work outside the home full time? -- STUCK IN DELAWARE

DEAR STUCK: You are not the only mother who feels this kind of ambivalence. Many others are as torn as you are.

Perhaps it would help if you focus harder on thinking about this rationally rather than emotionally. When your grandmother's health no longer allows her to care for your son, you may have to cut back on your schedule to be with him -- or your husband may need to take a second job. Also, some people manage to work from home, and you may want to explore those opportunities.

DEAR ABBY: My son is more than likely going to win a trip to the Dominican Republic through his employer. He's planning to take his wife with him. Their two children will stay with me or their other grandma.

With the way the world is now, I wouldn't go on a vacation with my husband, fly to another country and leave my children behind. I would let him go alone so that in case something happens, my kids would have at least one parent left.

I understand that we should not give in to fear and give up what we like to do, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't take logical precautions. My children would be more important to me than a vacation. What is your opinion on this? -- LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD

DEAR LIVING: My opinion is that you should stay out of it, and let your son and daughter-in-law enjoy that hard-earned vacation. If they were visiting a country where the threat level was high, I might think differently. However, to repeat what you said in your letter, "we should not give in to fear and give up what we like to do" because we are afraid of what "might" happen. That's not living; it is hiding.

DEAR ABBY: I love attending religious services on Sundays and the Communion during them. I quit drinking alcohol almost 18 months ago. Our church serves wine (not grape juice) during Communion, and I have been told not to drink ANYTHING alcoholic. How do I cope with this situation? -- SOBER AND PROUD OF IT

DEAR SOBER: Congratulations on your sobriety. This is something to discuss with your clergyperson. If you have been warned that tasting the Communion wine could sabotage your sobriety, perhaps you should consider partaking only of the bread.