life

Dad Resists Coming Clean About His Youthful Nose Job

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 29th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a male in my early 50s. As a shy 21-year-old, I had minor surgery to straighten a small (but at the time, to me, ginormous) hump on my nose. I didn't tell many people and it boosted my confidence, and although I can't say I regret it, looking back I don't think it was really needed. I met my wife a few years later and didn't think it was important enough to mention, which doesn't bother me.

What does bother me is my daughter, 23 and happily married, is complaining about the small hump on her nose and seriously contemplating surgery to fix it. She says she's the only one in the family with such a nose. Her husband and my wife, neither one of whom are fans of minor cosmetic surgery, are urging her to not do it. I have kept my mouth shut so far.

I hate bringing something up I've kept from my wife all these years, yet I have this nagging feeling I'm betraying my daughter by not telling her she has the nose I was born with. I also worry that she'll find out and feel betrayed if I say nothing. Am I obligated to tell her? Am I a jerk if I don't? Does she have a right to know about her father's true nose? -- INDECISIVE DAD IN THE USA

DEAR INDECISIVE: You are behaving as though a rhinoplasty is something to be ashamed of. It's not! Speak up and tell your wife your daughter inherited your nose and that fixing yours gave you self-confidence. Then be honest with your daughter. She's an adult. What she chooses to do with the nose on her face should be her decision and no one else's because no one else will be wearing it.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Boyfriend Calls It Quits After First Argument

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 29th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my boyfriend of two years and I broke up. We had never had an argument. Then one night we did, and we both said things we shouldn't have. Since that day, he hasn't spoken to me again. He has ignored all my phone calls and my attempts to work things out. I have tried to move on, but I can't seem to. I have been devastated ever since because I truly loved him.

I recently started seeing a guy I like, but when it comes down to it, I can't let go of my ex-boyfriend. I am paralyzed by my emotions. Mostly I feel betrayed. He has destroyed every perception I had about relationships, like being there for each other through the good and bad. How can I help myself heal? -- MOTIONLESS IN GEORGIA

DEAR MOTIONLESS: Not all romances are meant to lead to marriage. Intelligent adults don't necessarily agree on everything, but they should be mature enough to discuss their differences without resorting to vitriol. If your ex-boyfriend's reaction to a disagreement was to run for the hills, better that you learned it after two years rather than, say, five.

I subscribe to the philosophy that our relationships -- whether successful or failed -- teach us important lessons about life. Sometimes we must accept life as it is rather than our fantasy of what we would like it to be. Because you haven't been able to progress beyond the romance you had with your ex, you will save yourself additional pain and wasted time if you discuss it with a licensed mental health professional.

Love & Dating
life

Long Marriage Is Left in Limbo by Wife's Attraction to Women

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 28th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After 27 years of marriage, my wife told me she is attracted to other women. To my knowledge, she has acted on this only once.

Every day I wonder where our relationship stands. One day she can't see herself without me; the next, she says we should divorce. I don't know if I should end this or wait to see where it goes.

I will need counseling if we divorce, but currently I can't afford it. Yes, I love her, but what matters most to me is that she is happy. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Any suggestions? -- MR. D. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MR. D.: After 27 years of marriage I can only imagine how shocking your wife's revelation must have been for you. That she is ambivalent about your marriage must be deeply painful because you are being treated like a yo-yo.

The book "The Other Side of the Closet," by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., has been mentioned before in my column and has proven helpful to others in your situation. There is also a support group called the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org), which offers emotional support after a wife or a husband comes out as yours did. Please don't wait to read the book and visit the website. I think you will find them comforting.

Sex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Family Photos Are a Forest of Tongues, to Grandma's Dismay

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 28th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a large family consisting of many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Looking through my photo albums, I can't complain that I don't have enough photos of my children, but it's a parade of tongues.

Their mothers all post photos on social media with their tongues hanging out. The children then mimic their moms and their photos are disgusting as well. I would love to have photos of my children minus the slimy organ.

Is this accepted behavior in our society now? Please, can someone enlighten me as to the inspiration of this repulsive action? -- CLOSED-MOUTHED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CLOSED-MOUTHED: I suspect it originated back in the 1970s when Gene Simmons of Kiss licked his way to the top of the music charts. Lately, Miley Cyrus took up the torch and is keeping it burning brightly. Children often stick out their tongues when they are forced to have their picture taken or are trying to be funny, but I don't think Gene and Miley fall into that category. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Tagalong Lunch Guests Leave Bad Taste in Friend's Mouth

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 28th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes I'll call a close friend or business associate for lunch with the goal of having a quality one-on-one conversation on a wide range of topics. After the lunch is set, more than one of them has then invited other people I know, but with whom I do not have the same quality relationship. It is not a pleasant surprise.

I find it irritating, because it invariably changes the dynamic of the conversation. I never say anything about it, but it bothers me. Is my reaction reasonable, or should I just roll with this? -- THWARTED IN DALLAS

DEAR THWARTED: Your reaction is perfectly reasonable. The first time it happened, you should have shared your feelings with the person who did it. It has happened again because you didn't speak up. Now you will have to warn the person you're inviting in advance.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Divorcing Husband Wary of Wife's Online Deception

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. Four years ago, while waiting for our divorce to be finalized, I decided I'd start dating online and suggested she do the same. We were still friends, so I didn't think it was crossing any boundaries.

My online dating efforts were met with peculiar results. All of the six women I connected with either stood me up or made excuses why they couldn't or wouldn't meet me in person. Out of frustration I began dating my wife again and we canceled the divorce proceedings.

About a year after we got back together, my wife confessed that the women I had reached out to online were all fictitious personae that she had constructed with the intent of exhausting my search efforts. It worked.

We are now filing for divorce again, and I'm worried she may do the same thing. What can I do? -- SOUTHERN GUY

DEAR SOUTHERN GUY: Because you think your wife might pull that stunt again, stop sharing any details of your online dating pursuits with her. Definitely refrain from telling her which sites you're using. (Use different ones than before.)

Or, hearken back to the good old days and try meeting people in person. The worst that could happen might be that you encounter your soon-to-be ex in various disguises -- but you know her well enough by now that you should be able to see through them.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Relationship With Meddling Mom Comes to a Head Before Overnight Visit

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man, and we will be married soon. We have been together two years and get along well. His parents live 35 minutes away and his mom doesn't drive.

The other day he commented that she wanted us to invite her over, as she hadn't been over in a year. I told him his mother is always welcome and should just call to make sure we are home. He then proceeded to tell me he wanted her to spend the night. He said that in his previous relationship, his mother would stay over occasionally.

I didn't know what to say, but at the age of 40, should he really be wanting sleepovers? It struck me as odd. I'm a private person and I'm not sure how to resolve this. I don't want him to feel I'm rejecting his mom, but I don't see why she needs to spend the night. I don't want to walk on eggshells with her, because she called and scolded me about how I spoke to her son several months ago. Advice? -- LADY OF THE HOUSE

DEAR LADY: Is there something you haven't mentioned? Why has it been a year since your fiance's mother has been invited to visit? Certainly in all this time you could have picked her up. A blanket "come anytime, just call first" isn't a proper invitation -- particularly if the person doesn't drive.

If you prefer she not be an overnight guest, I don't think your fiance should force it. And if you prefer that she not meddle in your relationship with her son, I hope you made it clear to her when she "scolded" you. Of course, it wouldn't have happened if her son hadn't tattled to her -- which should be a glimpse of what marriage to him may be like if you don't get this straightened out now.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting

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